Did some spring cleaning. There are so many things that have accumulated over the years, even decades. Dust everywhere, spider webs. Lots of stuff that has piled up in the house everywhere. Things that were needed at the various stages of the children's lives. Things of which I thought we might need some other time and which would be wasteful to just throw out. Meanwhile it seems we're living in a storage container.
I used to like to have plants inside the house, which I am reconsidering at the moment. Since our cat Lily had a bladder infection she started peeing into the plant pots and our other cat copied her. So every time I water the plants the odor of pee permeates the rooms. Some of the plants couldn't take it and have started to throw off leaves. I found myself hoping they wouldn't make it so I had a reason to throw them out. Then I had a bad conscience.
Every little thing I would just have liked to throw out brought up the picture of it lying in land fills and earth having a hard time to decompose it. I started to really regret having allowed all the things to be bought spontaneously which were used for some time and then discarded. Or even the stuff that was planned. Each and every item has to be taken care of - like my own thoughts and feelings. Once I'm accepting a thought/feeling to be here and participating, I gotta do something about it, I'm responsible. If I don't, they accumulate. They gather dust and spider webs, they start to stink and I can't just throw them out because I'm responsible. The growing anger at the other family members not taking responsibility or not even seeing what needs to be done didn't help me. I admonished myself to breathe while placing the plants 1m higher and wiping the dust off, throwing out old baskets and cushions and aquarium backgrounds and package boxes and a remainder of a tent… and it was strange how 'something in me' was trying to hold onto the anger and the feeling of 'the consequence of everything' as if to sustain that 'this is not ok that I have to do this' as if then it could be seen by the others that 'this feeling is what consequence looks like' - the consequence of buying/using/wanting. And how I was using the anger to propel myself forward to get this done. Even victimizing myself telling myself that I don't know how to handle all of this responsibly.
Well, enough. Here I am now releasing the thoughts, feelings and the anger at the consequence I've allowed.
Breathing again!
