| writing instead of fighting - fighting a feud instead of honouring life | Mar 2, '11 2:10 AM for everyone |
When I was 17 we had an American exchange stundent with us for some weeks and we "fell in love with each other'. It was our first time for both of us. Then he had to go back and I was 'heart-broken'. I wrote him letters and sent him chocolate, because he had loved Milka chocolate. (lol)
And I added pictures of our trips and time together.
The first letter he sent back was one of longing. The second - the one after my chocolate 'care packet' - I had to wait for for several weeks. During this time I had kept myself in the state of projecting myself to him, to where and how I believed he lived according to photos I had and what he had told me. Pictures, fantasies, projection, ideas of how great it would be to be together in New Haven - my 'new heaven' - walking down the beach with him, sailing, touching, feeling his embrace from behind, smelling the soap he used (he even left me the one he had used for me to remember him!) .... longing.
Then came his second letter. The statement of '"we (a girl he had met, stated in a short sentence in the beginning) had chocolate coming out of our ears!" promptly catapulted me from the lofty clouds of my 'new heaven'.
Strangely, after the shock and disappointment and the bursting of my plans to go visit him after my graduation, I didn't want to be seen as the 'victim', as someone having been left or nott regarded/loved/appreciated any more. So I decided to write back that regardless of anything, I would still be there for him. I wanted to be noble and be a good sport about it and get acknowledgment at least within this projection of me.
I've never heard anything from him again.
This projection of myself of 'being noble'/'a good sport' about something despite the fact that I was disappointed is a cover-up for the actual experience within me of feeling victimized. The experience that someone had 'treated me badly' 'made' me place myself onto a polarity point of self-perceived 'nobility'/'being honorable', so I didn't have to perceive myself as 'discarded'/''unloved'.
This reminds me of the pistol duels of feudal times when they fought for their honour to settle the demands of the ego by feuds.Wow - I resorted to a middle-aged way to reinstate my 'honour'! - well at least by automatically placing myself onto that point of re-established honour by writing him how I wished to be perceived - as 'honorable' in 'still being there for him' - writing instead of fighting (!) - But, what a self-deception!
So I actually felt my honour was taken from me by him having a new girl-friend. I'm seeing this for the first time! I hadn't taken responsibility for the original experience of feeling victimized/dishonoured.
Interesting also that facets of this are being reflected back to me by my partner within him saying he is 'standing by me' and trying to make me see 'what I've gotten into with Desteni' and my 'seemingly having turned against him'.
It's time to step out of this state of polarity I have placed myself into of honor and victimization and honor myself as life -> change the fighting of internal feuds into pushing myself to honour myself as life.
It was cool to write this out for myself, coz now I can see this a lot more clearly. I can again see that I'm the cause for my experience within my world. The feud has always been only within me/as me. This is the reality I've allowed that has it's roots in the experience within which/as which I wasn't actually Here.
I'll write out some sf on this in the next days (hopefully - coz the mc I'm working on currently leaves little time).
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| using breath to stop the experience instead of allowing it within me | Mar 4, '11 7:16 AM for everyone |
I have just noticed that I have sometimes been using the word 'stop' and then allowing myself to breathe from the starting point of wanting to stop the experience I was having,instead of allowing me within it to give the points that are here direction. This is a another form of running away! Time to trust myself in handling what is here within self-direction.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use 'stop' and breath to stop the experience within and as me, instead of allowing myself within and as me here within and as self-trust and self-direction.
I stop, breathe in and allow myself within the experience of me and direct the points that come up within the next out-breath.
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| Mar 5, '11 5:20 AM for everyone |
Working on the first timeline from my mind construct in defining the components and doing sf I saw the following:
Trigger point was my reaction my to husband's judgment of the practitioner I went to. The reaction came due to projecting my self-judgment onto my husband in the point judged by him of ‘he can’t even plug in a computer’ and of my projections onto it of it meaning 'he didn't have the basics' (will get clearer in the following).
Within this, I found I had the word association of 'computer' with 'work', because at the time I didn’t have a computer and was rather unknowledgeable pertaining to computers, so there was a self-identification point with the word ‘basics’ and ‘computer’ and ‘work’ and within that self-responsibility as connected to working as to support myself – being able to work to support myself, which I judged myself not being able to, because the ‘basics’ had been missing at the time for the computer work for translating.
I have created myself within and as the pattern of ‘wanting to make him see his responsibility as being the source/cause of his experience’
- so he would stop judging,
- so I didn’t have to experience myself within his judgment,
- so I didn’t feel 'made responsible' for his experience –
though subconsciously fearing him actually being responsible and stopping,
- because my self-definition of being ‘in contrast to him’ wouldn’t hold true as one of superiority,
- so I would have to see that this is not true/valid and I would be catapulted back within and as the experience of myself as the point of judgment within me as source,
- so I judge and define him ‘as reacting toward me when I turn to people who he defines himself in contrast to’,
- and manipulate myself to be the victim within it,
- so my judgment of him is justified and I don’t have to experience myself within self-judgment of not being fully self-responsible and
- can hide within that projection and judgment and
- hope for some lenience from others who can be drawn into seeing/experiencing the judgment manifest outwardly
- and so wouldn’t expect self-responsibility w/r/t work or judge me for not having the 'basics' and going to work (at the time)
- when I was actually fearing my own self-judgment for this and trying to hide this from me
This pattern is being played out in several shades and variations using mind to hide from the actual experience within and as me. The outcome of one TL is already extensive and very valuable to begin stepping out of year-long patterns that can be seen within the respective mind constructs and begin to live self-responsibly and within and as actual self-direction.
There is still work to be done on this TL even, which is keeping me pretty busy.
1 TL down and about 60 more to go within this mc!!
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| Mar 12, '11 3:05 AM for everyone |
Most of the time it starts with a self-judgment or 'bad conscience' issue. For example, I'm drinking a brand of oolong tea that is rather expensive. I had already bought it with a 'bad conscience', but the description sounded great: 'charcoal-roasted tung ting light smoky, sweet, round etc'. I convinced myself that I could give it a try, I had worked a lot, bla bla. So here I was pouring the hot water over it to steep and the bad conscience reported back: It's expensive, I shouldn't drink so much at once, I should be taking more time to really enjoy it, one cup of this costs about 1 euro when I think of the price per cup...I blocked and immediately from out of nowhere my friend who also loves tea was there as the illusional opponent within a discussion I suddenly found myself in! I was 'making her aware' of the fact that she had bought these expensive tea bags, and they had cost even more per cup! Having said that, I could now go ahead and enjoy my tea without any sign of bad conscience!
It has been very helpful when I've been making myself feel bad, when I have an attitude toward something - it seems to be everywhere within my experience of my world, EXCEPT - it's not who I am as Life, as self-expression, as allowing myself Here. It's me as self-judgment, relieved by condemning someone else.
Shit to see this pattern of justifying what I do by saying there is this other person who 'is even worse than me', 'who doesn't do anything', or does something even more to the extreme, who I can blame for making me the victim, just to make me feel better, so I don't have to change anything being a very basic component within me / my mind-as-me - it's totally unworthy of life-as-me.
I was very shocked to realize what I've been doing and how simple this pattern actually is. And how often I've been allowing it within and as me, instead of - for example - enjoying the tea as it is without the emotional tactics of defense and aggression - I mean, this is just about a cup of tea I wanted to enjoy. Period.
It's got to stop. This is not how I want to experience myself!
I stop. No more 'bad conscience' - instead responsible self-direction as starting point within/as breath. No more self-judgment. I do the common sense things in life and stop making me the victim of my criticism and emotions and thus stop trying to turn the situation around in finding someone 'lesser' to attack within my secret mind, just to get my own mind-attacks against myself off my back.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within the pattern of finding someone who is 'worse' than me, who I can attack or blame in my mind to justify what I'm doing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attack someone in my secret mind and make myself the victim so I don't have to look at the resistance against doing something within me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm the aggressor within my mind making me the victim = self-victimization.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to feel better about something and thus find someone who I judge as 'deplorable' and within that make me 'superior' so I don't have to look at what I'm actually doing or allowing and accepting.
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| Mar 11, '11 2:36 AM for everyone |
Wiping the kitchen counter I suddenly stared out of the window and noticed that I was searching for a thought of something I could hold onto in that moment: What could i eat, or a flash of a word pertaining to 'holiday' / going away to some place came up. I said stop, realizing that my mind was looking for something to present to me as 'something to hold on to', something appealing, something more than 'just being here'. After saying stop there was a hint of 'dire emptiness' that was my mind's idea of not-having anything to enjoy, to divert myself from simply being here.I don't like not 'creating myself into the idea of eating something nice', I reacted with an energetic movement of 'dire emptiness' when stopping mind's suggestions to project myself into a nice idea.
I breathe.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to find myself within thoughts of what to eat or some nice idea of what to do as something to hold onto while doing a 'boring' chore.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label just-being-here as 'dire emptiness'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want something to hold on to in form of a projection into a nice idea of doing something.
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| Mar 12, '11 4:02 PM for barbara's network |
I have just found this idea was still dormant within me which I allowed
myself to use as justification for stopping communication
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have this idea
that if I am loved understanding is automatic. Within this, I forgive
myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I didn’t even
have to communicate anything and be understood.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify not
communicating with the disappointment that this isn't true.
Strange ideas...
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