| Feb 4, '11 4:02 AM for everyone |
Just a quick reminder for me - a point I realized within me that I want to look at:
I want to be understood and trusted so when I communicate myself I will not have to fear judgment. So, if I'm not understood = I'm getting reactions from someone, I don't communicate.
fucked - have to investigate
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| Feb 7, '11 8:18 AM for everyone |
I'm taking up the point of communication again, because, just today, my daughter called and told me of results of her eye test in connection to another diagnosis she got from the hospital. She had been suffering from severe attacks of headache similar to cluster headaches, but it turned out to be coming from her liquor fluid not being resorbed sufficiently and exerting pressure within her head. The doctors in the hospital called it 'ideopathic intracranial hypertension' and extracted some of the fluid. Well, on the phone she told me of the resulting complications with her eyes and that she was a bit shocked. She wanted to inform me of the results, she said. But I jumped into trying to find solutions, giving advice, analyzing the whole situation for her. She started to cry.
She wanted to be seen for what she was experiencing within herself. She wanted to share herself. And I lounged into 'I would try not to put yourself under so much pressure to succeed', 'you should not take... (the teacher of a subject she'd been ranting about) personally' and so on, to make her see what she was doing to herself and how she was causing the hypertension in her head.
When she started to cry I noticed what i had actually done, what my starting point had been. I wanted her validate me within my experience and analysis of her situation, instead of being Here as me with her sharing of herself.
Well, I was able to tell her that I understand her and say sorry for reacting as I did, but at the time it only helped very little.
I checked my emails and saw she had written that she was sorry and explained what she would have needed and why she had called in the first place. I wrote back what I saw that 'went wrong' on my part.
So, this gave me the impulse to pick up the note I had jotted down as my last entry here, which already holds relevant points that were shown to me within the phone call :
"I want to be understood and trusted so when I communicate of myself I will not have to fear judgment. So, if I'm not understood = I'm getting reactions from someone, I don't communicate."
So I'll take this apart and look at it and what I'm doing when I 'communicate'. The shutting down of communication is something I do with my husband, because with him I encounter the 'most intense' reactions - lol.
I make communication conditional, and I go into spite when I shut down communication. I’m giving up myself as self-direction in and as self-expression due to how I-as-mind interpret reactions that I encounter and within this don’t see that the reactions I encounter reflect back what is Here as me.
So when I realize that I’m holding myself back in communicating, in sharing myself, I must realize that I’ve been allowing the thought of ‘not being understood’ to direct me.
Within this there is a point of judgment:
I’m judging that I’m not being understood. = projecting ‘them not understanding’
I’m judging myself as ‘not being understood’ = comparing the present state with an ideal of being understood as a desired reaction of others towards me when I say something and grading the present state according to a reaction: How well am I understood? Do they resonate back how I feel about what I am sharing to make me feel good? Or more than the information I’m imparting – more than the feeling the information gives me.
So here I have the reason / starting point within which I’ve shared the information: I want to feel ‘more’, a starting point within energy.
And I’m not sharing myself actually in self-expression, but as information with a certain feeling quality.
This is no communication. This is manipulation.
Sharing myself in actuality as myself is and must be unconditional to be self-expression.
The point of fearing judgment is: I want positive feedback = <’positive energy’, BUT I fear getting ‘negative energy’.
So most of my communication is/was based in the starting point of energy: the content of what I share, why I share, with whom I share
To be acknowledged within the energy I am as, within the information I am sharing myself as, to be seen, realized as ‘knowledgeable’ in some way, instead of simply Here as me expressing what and how I’m experiencing myself at the moment.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be understood and trusted as a condition for communicating.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place the desire of being understood and trusted above myself as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of others when I communicate
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stop communicating with someone if I fear being judged by him, instead of seeing that I am limiting myself within and as expressing what is here as the experience of me and seeing and correcting my starting point to be that of Here instead of wanting acknowledgment.
I stop myself as ‘fear of judgment’ and thus limitation within sharing and focus on communicating the experience of myself from the starting point of Here.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into spite and stop communicating when a person i shared myself with doesn’t react according to my ‘wish’ and goes into judgment and opposition.
I stop myself as spite as a reaction of stopping to communicate when the response is not as desired.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reaction of ‘judgment and fear’ of another to what I share reflects my own fear of judgment and my starting point within energy.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my starting point within listening to another is often within and as judgment and opposition, and also the wish to be ‘seen’ within my standpoints when answering.
I allow myself to listen and communicate from the starting point of being Here and acknowledging what is Here as my experience of myself and the other’s experience as it is communicated.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up self-direction within myself as communication and allow fear of reactions toward what I say to direct me into stopping to communicate.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was taking reactions to what I say personally, instead of seeing that when I react to reactions it’s telling me that my starting point was based in energy.
I allow myself to communicate from the starting point of being in and as breath – Here – and communicate of my experience of me with respect to and as a point thereby actually sharing me and not simply information given to manipulate the other to see me in a certain way to get energy.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project onto others as ‘them not understanding’ and so judge myself as ‘not being understood’, wherein I compare the present state, as perceived, with an ‘ideal’ of ‘being understood’ as a desired reaction of others towards me.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to want others to ‘resonate back’ a positive feeling as the feeling I have within myself toward the point of information I’m sharing, instead of sharing unconditionally of who-I-am as the experience of me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a means to manipulate someone for energy.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I wasn’t communicating, but manipulating.
I allow myself to share myself in actuality, unconditionally, as and within self-expression.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that fearing judgment was the fear of getting the ‘wrong’ reaction.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to share certain things / points with certain people only, due to the desire for a certain ‘feedback’ within and as energy, instead of sharing myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to abuse the experience of myself, when shared, as something to get an energetic feedback with.
I allow myself to share myself unconditionally and thus respect and honour myself and the other within this sharing of the experience of me.
I allow myself to share the experience of others unconditionally in listening and being Here as me with them, and breathing when reactions of 'wanting to help' come up because I can't stand to hear of their suffering.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't bear to hear of the suffering of another and thinking I have to help and deal with the problem for them, thus placing myself above them.
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| Feb 21, '11 6:01 AM for barbara's network |
Today I checked my emails and opened a mail from a friend from whom I was more or less expecting an answer on my last note. The topic read 'It's urgent - please respond' and her name as the sender. It said: 'It’s me.... I don't mean to inconvenience you right now, I made a trip to UK and I misplaced my luggage that contains my passport and credit cards. I know this may sound odd but it all happened very fast. I need to get a new passport and a ticket, but I'm short of funds. Please, can you lend me some funds to get a ticket? I shall pay you back.' and a 'hotel' number. My first reaction was - oh, that's why I haven't heard from her! And the urgent tone let me rush up, grab a pen, jot down the number and jump to the phone. I wondered what she was doing in the UK. Then I looked at the phone number and realized that I didn't have the international telephone code for the UK. I was still in a hectic mode. I judged myself for not knowing the countries codes and for not being efficient in these things. I went back to the computer considering getting the code from the internet, but then reread the mail. This was the first time after having read the line 'it's urgent' that I allowed myself to breathe! Only then the realization opened up that this is a scam. The email addresses were very similar to each other, there was only one letter that differed in the provider name.
I decided to test what would happen, if I wrote back, if the mail had come from her and I used the address I always use - I didn't use the reply function. A mail response was made almost immediately:
"I'm delighted you responded. I'm sorry I couldn't call because I misplaced my luggage that contains my valuables and documents. Could you please lend me £1,200 to add up with what I have, in order to get a ticket home and pay bills over here? I promise to pay back whatever you can assist me with, as soon as I get home. Let me know so that I can forward you my information to send funds via western union money transfer." Well that was clear enough! The sum (!), she doesn't have my phone number, nor would she write like this. - LOL!
So I wrote her a pm and did a virus scan.
This event was indeed very revealing, particularly to see that:
- Only once I allowed myself to actually breathe, i.e. looking at the whole thing 'unrushed' / in breath, I was able to see the deceptive intent.
- I react to the words 'it's urgent' in connection with someone I like.
- I go into patterns of rushing when I believe 'it's urgent'
- Within this pattern I don't use common sense
- I even judge myself for not having all the information in order to comply with this 'demand for urgency'
- If I have the expectation toward something I will not see what is actually Here (I expected to hear from her)
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the belief of something 'being urgent' just because it is written in connection to someone I like.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect an answer to something I write thus not being Here, but in mind when I go through my mails.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I should rush to help immediately as soon as someone declares it to be urgent, without considering the information at hand first.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rush to get more information without considering what I have here in front of me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe and be Here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the idea of something being urgent above me and thus separate myself from what is Here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having certain information ready at all times.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the urgency of something, and thus forget to breathe and be Here to see what is going on.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the person (s) writing this mail as impertinent, instead of seeing I was judging myself for not having realized the intent of this mail immediately.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously believe that it's urgent for me to act when someone says it's urgent for him/her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up my self-direction when I hear 'it's urgent!'.
When someone says it's urgent I allow myself to breathe first and be Here.
I stop expecting answers to mails. (lol)
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| Feb 21, '11 8:23 AM for everyone |
A thought flashed through my head while in the bathroom as I breathed in: I've done this, this and this and then I have enough time for the next point on my schedule and then I breathed out. Within that I realized that this was giving me a sense of stability. This thought of having everything placed at it's allotted time in a schedule gave me the sense of having everything under control, this in turn giving me a sense of stability - false stability obviously. If anything were to kick me out of this schedule, where would the sense of stability go? Down the drain!
I will stop the thought of having everything under control and thus placing control above me.
I'll investigate further... a bit later.
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| Feb 23, '11 5:48 PM for everyone |
Working on the current mind construct I'm doing, I found that there was a whole 'era' in my life that played into the construct, which I hadn't given any thought to when doing the 'gathering of information part' or even some 'stages' later. It really opened my eyes to how I had actually unknowingly set the stage for the events to play out by not 'owning' my thoughts = participating in thoughts and feelings and also suppressing them, not wanting them to be true, not wanting to even look at them to see where they were coming from, and what they had to do with me / why I was participating.
It was cool to see several points being drawn back to self that way. Also it was shocking how we as mind isolate certain memories in such a way so we don't see that we are the creators of our reality! We don't want to be, because it seems to be easier to find someone else at fault. So we don't have to be re-spons-able. We limit ourselves on purpose. Strange.
This is one (of very many) constructs to be worked through with self-forgiveness. Actually, I'm looking forward to it, despite its extensiveness. There are still the individual elements to look at and define first.
I'm realizing more and more how much every thought I participate in can add up to blow up into my face!
Time to stop and be responsible for what is going on in my secret mind. To change the experience of me and how I create my world.
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| Feb 25, '11 4:16 PM for everyone |
Should be working on my mind construct. I had wanted it to be finished by tonight, at least the part of naming the components, but I am here browsing the blog posts. And well, at least posting some lines...
I know I'm avoiding going into it again. I let myself participate in some thoughts suggesting that I'm not naming the components 'correctly' and 'I should start over and have a closer look'. And that 'I should interrupt my work and write down some questions and send to my buddy' and wait for her answer first. Then I decided to read up on the material on the respective lessons and made some notes. Then the usual routine of the day: work, cooking, cleaning up etc., and now again the resistance. Just because I bought into these few thoughts.
Before going into this part of the mc I was actually looking forward to doing it. I felt confident. How come did these thoughts manage to 'pursuade' me to react to them? The thought that the list of components I had in front of me isn't complete? What other components could possibly fit into this line of information? I might be missing one. I'm not seeing all the dimensions within this - DOUBT building up into SELF-DOUBT.
Stop!
I'm going to get this done. line by line, breath by breath!
ha - 'I felt confident' ---> polarity set-up --> self-doubt
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| 'it's good for me' - consequences of overindulgence - self-abuse | Feb 28, '11 2:43 AM for everyone |
Since I found out that i needed to change my diet, I have been eating meat more often, though I had to push myself initially. With respect to my additction to bread, however, I have allowed myself to enter self-deception. I read that with blood type 0 the only type of grain one can metabolize is rye and then only when it has been allowed to germinate for 2-3 days before processing. Well, I was rather enthusiastic about giving my diet some 'positve' direction = changing it to support the body and thus me, however, within this I overindulged in baking Essene bread myself, loving it and eating it. It had become a symbol for 'having changed my diet to support blood type 0'. I had entered a routine of eating 2 rolls of this type of bread every morning. I did this inspite of having tested out that it was ok to eat only about 3-4 of these per week.
Initially I was interested in this diet, because my facial skin showed eruptions of lymph fluids, or something like that, some clear fluid that didn't fester. I also had this on parts of my neck. These had gotten better at first. Then the enthusiasm set in with the bread and I got carried away. Now the skin is really acting up to a degree that I finally looked at the matter again.
So yesterday I muscle-tested some points and found out that this condition was connected to the large intestines and on asking about the bread and how many rolls were supportive - none! Since I am also doing a detoxification with olive leaf extract and klinopure (zeolith = something volcanic) I also checked whether that was at the right dosage, which it wasn't.
It was once again interesting to see how the body has its own language for showing me what it/I need(s). And how I-as-mind get carried away by the idea that 'it's good for me' as a justification to indulge. I've allowed it to become a pattern of 'I am supporting my body' = doing something good/positive, thus keeping myself busy = procrastinating essential things, and feeding my ego/personality = making more of substance/reality than is actually real.
I packed the remaining rolls into the freezer and today I'll get some fruit as a substitute.
As I'm writing this the realization entered my awareness that I had been judging the condition of my skin when looking into the mirror and allowing frustration. Then and there I should have investigated using the tools I have (muscle communication, writing), but instead I believed the thought 'I need to drink more water' and 'I can still cover it up' thus pushing away the frustration and actually doing nothing about the cause of it.
Ok, now I have just tested the state of my large intestines w/r/t optimal/limited functioning on a scale from 1-10, 10 being very limited functioning and I got a 6. I really need to take care of this!
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea of supporting myself as the body as an idea of the mind and getting carried away within it, thus giving up self-direction.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up self-direction and place the idea of 'supporting myself'/'it is good for me' above me and use it as a justification for overindulgence, procrastination and ego.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to overindulge in eating bread and justifying this with 'it is good for me'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify overindulgence in eating bread by participating in the thought 'I don't know what else to eat'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think about eating and what to eat, instead of being one and equal with the body and self-directing me within and as breath here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as ideas, instead of realizing that within this I am not Here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as the body specifically the large intestines by overindulging in eating bread.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated over the state of my skin instead of realizing that the body is communicating what is Here, and to listen, and not engage in the emotion.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my skin is showing me how much I'm abusing myself as the body.
I stop overindulgence.
I direct myself as and within breath thus allowing my body as me to point out it's needs.
I stop judging myself as and within the condition of my skin.
I realize the skin is showing me how much I'm abusing my body and so I stop this.
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