| Sep 3, '10 4:32 PM for everyone |
What stayed with me after writing out sf - on the German forum - on the point of the polarity of 'Trümmerfrau' can actually be summed up with one very important sentence:
I allow and accept myself in and as self-expression in and as the simplicity of life.
This means:
I don't have to make it complicated
(which I had done, in order to get validation)
- no self-definition as woman only in relationship to a man - only me-as-life
- no self-definition as woman - I'm a being. (period) :)
- no emotions such as discouragement, degradation, dejection - only breath
- no idea of possessing 'Trümmerfrau' 'qualities' - only 'Here'ness
- no dis-assembling and re-assembling / analysis and synthesis - only self-expression
- no seeking validation - only being Here in and as breath
- no irritability, no self-definition that needs validation - no movement, but breath
- no simple solution to protect - simplicity is Here
- no anger, coz I know there is nothing to protect/validate - life Is
- no wrecking of others' ideas to validate my own - life is not an idea, it just Is
- no 'bigger picture' - just Here
All this is obvious....actually - -
where was I?
mind makes everything complicated
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/12/simplicity>
| Sep 6, '10 8:02 AM for everyone |
I translated 'Trümmer' with 'rubble', 'wreckage', when actually 'fragments', 'fragmentation', 'fragmented' is totally more fitting.
And the fact is that I projected 'fragmentation' onto 'science' when in fact I should have seen myself as 'fragmented' within and as thoughts/mind - taking life (me) and fragmenting it. I have projected 'the way science works' onto my Dad and husband - thus the point of fragmentation in all its implications and outflow, instead of seeing myself fragmenting into bits and pieces - inwardly and outwardly.
fragmenting woman
fragmented woman
fragmentation woman
being who is fragmented into a woman - lol
woman with fragments
woman who identifies herself with fragments
woman who uses fragments and is proud of it
woman not-having-realized she was building her 'life' on fragments
woman who didn't realize she wasn't building a 'life'
woman believing fragments could be used to build something real using ideas and energy
woman who believed her perceptions were real and weren't just a representation / a fragmentation of the whole, of what-is
--> de-fragmentation time!
I allow myself to live as and within everything that is Here as equal and one.
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/13/13>
| Sep 15, '10 3:07 AM for everyone |
I found out that behind my self-definition of being able to 'use fragments', thus also to 'find fragments' and saying that in doing so I was being 'analytical', was a cover-up for 'fault-finding'. I am often taking the starting point of 'dissecting' a presentation and wanting to find a fault in the reasoning behind it. I tell myself I want to point things out, to help.
There is judgment, criticism, covered-up sadness. I guess I resorted to copying my dad's behavior as a way to be the 'aggressor' and not feel the sadness of 'nof feeling accepted' the way I am. So I don't accept the presentation of others and consequently not my own.
This is also being revealed by the circumstance that I pick at my facial skin a lot - finding a fault with every spot and wanting to remove it. No wonder these spots and pimples constantly grow and pop up all over, because deep inside there is the 'plea' and 'challenge' to be accepted as I am ('bad' skin and all).
Ok, so I decided to do a session on the point/pattern of fault finding to release this starting point I habitually position myself as.
What I also realized is that I often avoid being direct when stating something I've noticed as a possible 'fault', 'defective reasoning', an 'incoherence' or 'a point overlooked', because I fear being judged as 'finding fault in everything'. I avoid being direct when I don't want to endanger being seen 'positively'. When this factor is not at stake I might go into competition and be 'too direct' and then I might want to tear the whole 'construct of reasoning' down (--> fragment, wreck).
Within that there is also the point of manipulation. Manipulating someone to see the 'flaw', 'fault', 'the point overlooked' by being indirect, working with implications, to not-hurt or to not be seen as judgmental for fear of revealing this starting point of basically having allowed myself to 'tear everything down' and 'wreck everything' 'cold-handedly'. As my dad said: 'she's harsh' and with being 'indirect' I avoid the accepted self-judgment of being harsh when direct.
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/14/fault_finding_presenting_itself_as_being_analytical>
| Sep 23, '10 6:01 AM for everyone |
As the session on fault-finding was a bit long (again) I'm not placing it here. Besides it's on the forum. I'll just place the self-corrective action steps here:
1. When replying to a post I place my starting point as me within and as self-honesty and thus I am making sure that I'm not subjecting myself to considerations of 'right' and 'wrong'.
2. When 'wanting to help', 'wanting to make a reply', 'wanting to participate' etc.and start reading with that intention, I breathe, place myself within and as self-honesty and realize that thus I am stopping myself from 'looking for faults' which has been tying me to the pattern's core emotion of 'moritified' of faulty thinking. Within this I also realize that this is not a test situation.
3. I stop thoughts of self-judgment of 'harshness' when allowing myself to be direct. Furthermore, I stop fear of 'being off-topic', because I realize it comes frrom only wanting to participate and not reading carefully and so I stop the 'want' and breathe and direct myself accordingly.
4. I stop thoughts of 'placing it carefully or not-direct' and allow and accept myself in and as self-expression, in and as the moment, in and as breath.
5. When reading a post and I start looking at details in a 'dissective mode' I stop, I breathe and trust that I'm getting the essence of what is being communicated.
6. I place myself in and as breath when writing and trust myself in and as what I write as this is me-here in the moment.
7. Self-expression and unconditional communication is not subject to acceptance.
8. I understand coherent reasoning is a criterion of the mind, common sense is what is Here.
It was an interesting session for me, because mc revealed that I had been accessing a memory experience I had at the age of 13 when I had to take a physics exam that had been re-scheduled for me, alone, and I thought I was 'missing a point', 'wasn't getting it' and 'not-seeing the way to solve the problem'. That was when the core emotion of being 'mortified' came up and it turned out that it was still 'reverberating' in me when being confronted with an 'enumerated format' of text, like the exercises to be done in an exam.
So that was cool to see how this was playing out.
Another memory with 10 also came up where the label of 'harshness' in connection with 'directness' was rooted.
Again it was really interesting to see how seemingly 'minor' considerations like 'how to place' something when replying to a post are interconnected with mind constructs and memory networks.
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/16/action_steps_on_fault_finding>
| Sep 28, '10 3:23 AM for everyone |
I tend to trust 'what is logical' more than me-as-breath and so I cross-reference what comes up as i.e. results from muscle communication immediately, often without noticing, with 'what is logical'. I realize that this is very limiting.
I notice that I'm 'having a hard time' escaping the 'idea of me' and allowing myself as 'little units' of breath. This 'picture' I'm holding of myself, which I also cross-reference with what I do and 'how I see myself at the moment' is hard for me to challenge.And in that I project onto others of how they would react to me, if I changed anything. I know I 'have to' let go of pictures.
I was looking for something a couple of days ago and was searching for an 'inner picture' in my mind of where I had placed it, the immediate surroundings of it, the action-as-picture, my movement-as-picture-memory, in order to find the object again - to remember... And I wasn't able to access the actual memory of the 'immediate surroundings' and spent lots of time looking for it with another idea-in-mind/picture-of-the-immediate-surroundings that hadn't been valid any more. Some time later I allowed myself to drop that 'picture' and look again, and there it was! So that was quite revealing - seeing how limiting pictures are. This is showing that I definitely have to let go of the pictures/ideas of myself. There are many points here to let go of...
I'm realizing this as a self-trust issue, which is deeply rooted. The aspect of identity based on certain feelings I associate as self due to memories as inner pictures and seeking continuity in these, as these, which is ridiculous actually. Then I allow thoughts of 'where to start' wanting to 'map it out' to be able to see it as a full picture and let go of it. Believing it is necessary to see the full picture first. It's always just breath, trusting myself as breath.
Breath seems such a 'small unit', whereas a picture/idea is more complex and (I-as-) mind feels more at-home in it, more stable -- of course.
I need to trust myself as and in breath, get to know myself as and within breath, be self-intimate as and within breath.
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/17/some_points>
