| Jan 5, '11 6:52 AM for barbara's network |
I noticed when my husband says something to me, before I start to
respond I consider whether what he said reflects back something that I
haven't realized about me, about what I do, how I 'operate'. By doing
this I don't stand as him in a conversation, but automatically place him
as separate from me and allow mind to interpret and consequently direct
me within the choice of words. Because if I think 'it' is 'his point'
I'm addressing, 'his point' I want to reveal to him, I decide to place
myself as 'not having this point' and 'knowing him better than he does'
and thus separate from him and so also I separate myself within me by
not placing myself as equal and one. Then I speak and while speaking I
listen to my words and also reflect on whether what I'm saying might
hold words that I'm actually sounding out for myself to hear, which is
in a way 'good' for me to be aware in this way, but it prevents me from
expressing myself unconditionally, simply as who-I-am in that moment.
There is a continuous checking of the mind whether and in what way this
(what I'm addressing and how I say it) has something to do with me. When
in fact it is all me. The whole situation is me. The words are me. The
points I see are me. The relationship with my husband is me. His
resistance is my resistance, it's in 'my world', it's me. So when I see
a point to be addressed, it is not important whether it is 'his point'
or 'my point' - it is simply to be addressed and directed,
unconditionally. And so I can allow myself here in self-expression
without mind as an interpreter that rewinds and reverberates everything
within a feedback-loop while I speak.
It was cool to see that yesterday night. I started sf on that, but will
have to elaborate.
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| Jan 6, '11 11:36 AM for barbara's network |
Taking the last post on communication sentence by sentence:
"I noticed when my husband says something to me, before I start to
respond I consider whether what he said reflects back something that I
haven't realized about me, about what I do, how I 'operate'."
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be Here
within and as self-expression unconditionally, and instead separate
myself within the idea of something being reflected back, something I’m
‘unaware of’ about myself, thus making me separate from what I hear.
So what I hear is what is Here as me and I direct it as me, not as a
statement of ‘you are doing this or that’ wherein I am placing myself as
the one that is aware (of what he is doing) and creating the polarity as
‘unaware’ which I allow mind to interpret while speaking in separation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself
as and within the polarity poles of ‘awareness’ when communicating with
my husband.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘switch’ into
the mind mode of ‘what is he reflecting back’ as a filter thru which I
hear him, instead of being Here unconditionally, simply hearing him as me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate what
I hear according to ‘his points’ and ‘my points’, instead of being Here
within and as unconditional Listening to the Sounded out Points of what
is Here, and then direct what is Here accordingly.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize
that the reaction to a point that comes up in a communication is how I
see that something is being reflected back to me, thus making the mind
frame of actively listening to points being reflected back superfluous.
This allows me to be Here as myself within my experience of me without a
‘mind overlay’ that holds me back from communicating unconditionally.
I allow myself to be Here unconditionally when listening and
communicating which allows me to be aware of reactions within me.
When the thought arises that this is ‘his point’ when listening I stop
participation as I know this brings up the urge to point this out to him
and that within this I separate myself into aware/unaware,
superior/inferior and am not Here as the experience of me.
"By doing this I don't stand as him in a conversation, but automatically
place him as separate from me and allow mind to interpret and
consequently direct me within the choice of words."
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by
mind within the choice of words when communicating, due to allowing
myself to judge what I hear as ‘his points’ and listening within a frame
of mind of ‘observing’ me within the communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself
as the observer and analyzer in a conversation, instead of being Here
unconditionally and using sf when reactions come up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to analyze the
conversation with regards to ‘what is reflected back’, filtering what I
hear with a filter based on self-definition and personality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to communicate on
the basis of personality and self-definitions of ‘having superceded this
point and thus defining it as ‘his point’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that a
point is ‘superceded’ when in fact it is still Here in my relationship.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize
that it’s standing one and equal to what is Here and not ‘superceding’
points and distinguishing between ‘his points’ and mine.
I stand one and equal to what is Here. I realize ‘his’ and ‘my’ points
is of mind. I direct myself within and as self-expression
unconditionally as and within being Here. I realize that concurrent
analyzation while communicating separates me from me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resort to
analyzation instead of trusting myself as-me-Here unconditionally within
and as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place
analyzation above myself, instead of being within and as self-direction within
and as what is Here-as-me as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust
myself unconditionally and instead observe myself within expression and
communication in separation.
"Because if I think 'it' is 'his point' I'm addressing, 'his point' I
want to reveal to him, I decide to place myself as 'not having this
point' and 'knowing him better than he does' and thus separate from him
and so also I separate myself within me by not placing myself as equal
and one"
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to reveal
to my husband what I believe he is not aware of, instead of seeing that
this is projection.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project onto
my husband that he isn’t realizing what ‘his point is’, instead of
seeing that I’m placing mind above what is Here, placing myself above
him and taking part in energy that I get from ‘knowing better’ that adds
to the self-defined personality picture of me working on ‘these points’
in contrast to him.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place mind
over what is Here.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place myself
over my husband within and as ‘knowing better’, instead of realizing
that the only ‘true knowledge’ can be found in self-honesty.
I allow myself to self-honestly listen to what is communicated and
direct it as me as Self-expression within and as breath, thus taking
care that I am not within and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to add energy to
personality constructs and ideas of ‘I am more able to see what is going
on in the other as he himself is’ because ‘I look at these things’, as
this is coming from concepts of the mind, instead of the actuality of
simply being Here as Self-expression.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself
‘in contrast to’ the idea I have of my husband.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create ideas
about my husband, instead of realizing that is mind and not real.
"Then I speak and while speaking I listen to my words and also reflect
on whether what I'm saying might hold words that I'm actually sounding
out for myself to hear, which is in a way 'good' for me to be aware in
this way, but it prevents me from expressing myself unconditionally,
simply as who-I-am in that moment"
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘listen to my
words’ as if they were separate from myself, instead of speaking
directly from within me as me unconditionally, from a point within me
that encompasses all of me Here, which is when Here within and as breath.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I just
had to ‘get rid of’ ‘his points’ and everything would be ‘ok’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘get
rid of’, ‘tear apart’, ‘destroy’ ‘his points’ to ‘feel better’ and be
‘ok’ with him and our relationship.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to feel
better, taking this as an energetic impulse to ‘make him change or at
least realize’, instead of realizing that he is simply adding energy to
what is Here by participating in it and so am I by ‘wanting it gone’ and
thus ‘feel better’.
I realize that I’m adding energy to points that are here by ‘wanting
them gone’ by ‘making him realize’. I stop my participation, breathe, do
sf on any reactions, writing the points out to see the experience of me
within them, as them, more clearly. Then I can stand as the respective
points and direct them as me.
I realize that I can only direct a point effectively when there is no
energetic charge towards it within me and so it is to look at it in
total self-honesty first, sf and stand as it.
"There is a continuous checking of the mind whether and in what way this
(what I'm addressing and how I say it) has something to do with me."
I stop allowing mind to control what I say, I communicate within and as
breath and address any energetic reactions within sf.
I stop participating within and as the feeling of superiority that I
allow when checking myself within what I say and how I say it that is a
result of defining myself as ‘aware’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself
within and as the polarity of ‘superiority’ and ‘fear’ coming from not
trusting myself within and as self-expression. Within this, I forgive
myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the
believed superiority of ‘checking what I say and how I say it’ to avoid
the fear of actually seeing what is Here as me when I allow myself to
express myself unconditionally. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve
accepted and allowed myself to fear myself within and as reactions
coming up and wanting to control these by resorting to the ‘analyzing
and controlling features’ of mind.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to fear being
Here within and as communication, due to fearing reactions that show me
my Self.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to give my power
away to fear of reactions.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to give my power
away to fear of what is Here, which would consequently mean giving up
self-definitions and pictures, ideas of myself as being ‘above’ the
points I want to eradicate in the other by wanting him to ‘see’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rather have
the whole person ‘gone from my world’ than face the energy that is
presented within and as the points that are communicated.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I
have no reactions to a point when I want the point ‘gone’ by wanting him
to ‘see’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place
energetically charged points above me-as-life and my partner-as-life,
wanting to throw it all away, ‘eradicating’ him and everything that goes
with it, wanting to give up.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe
what-is-Here could in any way be changed by someone else, or by giving
up, as Here is the experience of me – I am the experience of me-Here.
I realize that I can only change the experience of me by actually being
Here in self-honesty and thus equal and one to what is communicated.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize
that by judging him as unable to ‘see’ a point that I had defined as
‘his point’ I am diverting myself from experiencing myself within what
is here, from standing equal and one with it, taking self-responsibility
for this experience within and as myself.
When judgment comes up that ‘he isn’t able to see the point’, I allow
myself as and within the experience of me and remain Here by stopping
the judgment and breathing. This allows me to see my participation, to
see me. It ‘opens me up’ for me to see.
"When in fact it is all me. The whole situation is me. The words are me.
The points I see are me. The relationship with my husband is me. His
resistance is my resistance, it's in 'my world', it's me. So when I see
a point to be addressed, it is not important whether it is 'his point'
or 'my point' - it is simply to be addressed and directed,
unconditionally. And so I can allow myself here in self-expression
without mind as an interpreter that rewinds and reverberates everything
within a feedback-loop while I speak."
Yes.
Now the ‘walking it’ part!
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| Jan 15, '11 4:25 PM for barbara's network |
I had a recent conversation with an acquaintance whom I went to for some
spiritual / energetic healing and shamanistic support some years ago.
She kept on talking of her new 'methods' of conversing with the 'blue
folk' and other people in the dimensional world and how she knows whom
she is talking to by the feeling quality she has within her body. I
noticed her retaining anger within herself when I said how she could be
sure of it not being her mind causing the feeling and why she was
placing her power into the hands of someone seemingly outside of
herself, the energy of whom she 'wanted to control' etc. And when I said
we were one and equal to 'them' and by saying that, when she was channelling
their energy, she was separating herself from what is Here, she said she
wasn't that conceited and arrogant as to believe she was on such a high
level as the 'blue folk'. Then I said we are one on the 'level of Life'
and not energy-wise and that this was critical to see, but she didn't
actually understand and said this would be like saying we are so evolved
and enlightened as if we were one with god. One of my last sentences to
her was that we were one with everything as life but we have separated
ourselves into mind - but that was such a 'counter perspective' to how
she had set up her experiences as dictated by the mind, so that was that.
Pfft...
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| Jan 22, '11 7:47 AM for barbara's network |
There was this instance when my daughter told me about a discussion on equal chances in her ethics class. She stated that equal chances in life were not provided in part also due to the fact that some people inherit a lot and others nothing at all. She said there that this should be changed and that her opinion had met with quite some disagreement in the class. And also the point of winning in a lottery, for instance, was unfair, coz one person got all that money at once for himself and others got nothing. (I added ‘beside it also building on the bad luck of all those other people who participated’, the starting point of wanting more than one’s fair share etc.) This point also met with no agreement at all because they said that everybody has the same chance of winning. Obviously no one except K. was able to see that the result of the lottery was one person getting a multiple of what he put into the system on the cost of everyone else, that the whole starting point of lotteries was off, because everybody
participates within the desire of wanting more than their fair
share and idea of being ‘lucky’ and ‘fortunate’ is connected with
money. The opinion of most students held its ground that the odds are known and thus it was based in equality. K. said it was
strange that no one was able to see her points.
Anyway, it was interesting for me to see my
experience within this. On the one hand it was revealing to hear
of the different perspectives w/r/t ‘equal chances’ and how
little the lottery and inheritance systems are challenged, on
the other hand I hardly noticed that I was reacting to this. I
had talked to K. about my perspective, but I still wasn’t able
to let go of secret mind activities of judging the standpoints
of the class. After about the third time I had caught myself
pondering on this, I realized that I should be writing this out
and placing it here in front of me to let it go, but then I
dismissed it by thinking it isn’t ‘worth it’.
Now I realize that I didn’t actually want to
see and experience Me within this and so dealt with it by
stating perspectives and, in fact, judging the students for
their inability to see the unfairness in these systems. I
allowed myself to believe the thought that the instance of what
was said in that class was not ‘worth ‘ writing and so I
manipulated myself into feeling ok with not going into this
further without realizing I was stating I was not worth being
seen within and as this. I also realized that I dealt with the
points by using an idea based on ‘Desteni standpoints’ of
equality, instead of standing Here within and as breath and
giving my perspective as Me Here, or else I would have been able to let go of the whole instance in one breath then and there.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to condemn opinions of others and place myself in a starting point of mind as and within a ‘Desteni standpoint’,
instead of facing myself within the reaction to the opinions as
and within breath.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to believe the thought of the matter not being
‘worth writing’, thus allowing thought to direct me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to separate myself into a ‘Desteni standpoint’ as
a construct of ideas within mind of how the presented
perspectives as retold by K. go conform with the D. message,
instead of allowing myself here within and as breath and thus
immediately see the reactions that had come.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to use ‘Desteni standpoints’ as a gauge against
which I measure in which way a perspective is ‘off’ w/r/t the
principle of equality and oneness, instead of realizing this is
based in mind and makes way for judgment and superiority
thinking.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to place myself above others by participating in
judgment and secretly condemning the opinions towards lotteries and inheritance and allowing myself to assess in which way and to which extent the opinions deviated from ‘D. standpoints’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to avoid facing myself within and as reactions
towards the arguments by focusing on the contents and comparing these against ‘the idea of equality’ thus placing value on a mind stance of looking at the opinions analytically, critically
seeing in which way they do not go conform with ‘D.
standpoints’, instead of standing Here as and within breath and
facing me within them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to avoid being self-directive and instead ‘being
content’ with a standpoint that has been accepted as ‘better’ /
‘fair’ that was in separation of me as mind.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to go into opposition to the opinions and place
‘D. standpoints’ as a polarity, instead of being Here without
judgment and directing the situation from the starting point of
breath, i.e. seeing the reaction, stopping, breathing, and
expressing what is Here as and within me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to accept it to be sufficient to see ‘that this
is unfair’ and take a standpoint that is deemed ‘fairer’, not
seeing that I was feeding a polarity system by placing me above
the judged points.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to think it is sufficient to place myself within
and as a standpoint of mind instead of writing it out to
actually see what I’m facing and who-I-am within it, thus giving
me permission to change me Here as the point in actuality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to create myself within energy by using the
principle of equality as an idea and placing myself as and
within this idea to judge opinions as
‘wrong and unfair and not based in equality’ to be able to
‘observe’ me within adhering to what I accept as fair and
equality-based ‘standards of D.’, thus I
forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to be self-righteous,
instead of facing myself by standing within breath here and
writing it out and so allowing myself to actually realize what
is here to be able to see the ‘mind’s I’ in this.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and
allowed myself to place laziness above me instead of writing ME
out thus stating unconditionality and accountability in my
process of facing me.
I allow myself as self-expression.
I allow myself as and within breath.
I allow myself to be Here as and within
breath when communicating.
I unconditionally allow myself the time and
breath to write myself out.
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| Jan 24, '11 5:04 AM for everyone |
I'm frustrated within the situation of trying to get students to remember how to apply for instance the helping verb in questions or negations. Especially students in the so-called 'Hauptschule' seemingly have reduced their learning capacity to a minimum. It's already seen as a big effort to have to learn 8 - 10 new words a week! Everything seems to be too much to ask of them. I have to repeat it over and over and let them write it again and again. Other methods seem to be just for my entertainment, and theirs (?), but I can't say it's speeding anything up.
Why do I want to speed things up anyway? There is a lot of judgment causing this frustration. I want to be effective. I want them to apply what I tell them and what they need to understand for the next lesson and from the past lessons. I want them to be able to look past the 'rim of their plates'. I want...I want...
I guess that's where I have to start: What do they want? I have to clarify my starting point again. But then, can I curb my expectations and hold back my experience in life and accept the basis of 'what the student wants to achieve'? Or should I? Should I be 'content' only with what he wants and not push, push, push?
Indeed, what is my starting point? Yes, in part getting the money. But also giving them a chance to understand themselves, how they function w/r/t learning and studying, maybe also seeing facets of myself in them, and guiding an aspect of myself to the point where 'it' = I as a child, I as the one that has separated myself from the material, can help myself, that is, showing myself how to get from 'not understanding', 'not wanting to confront myself with s.th. that is too much', 'that is too complicated and difficult or boring' to the point of opening it up for me.
So, not-pushing and continuously applying would be to say it's not worth 'facing myself in this' and 'placing the material/the grammar/the vocabulary above me-as-the-student' and thus giving up on me in that respect.
So I continue to push...
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| Jan 30, '11 9:24 AM for everyone |
In der Früh kommt es vor, dass ich auf Gedanken und Gefühle reagiere, die ein Gefühl von Ärger in mir hervorrufen, das ich kenne. Es fängt damit an, dass ich aufwache und die warme Bettdecke spüre und das eigentlich noch genieße. Fast gleichzeitig merke ich, dass es schon hell ist und ich mir erlaubt habe lange zu schlafen. Das an sich ist ja egal, aber ich mag den Zustand nicht, der sich dadurch in mir ausbreitet: eine Vagheit, ein Gefühlsbrei, eine Richtungslosigkeit, Traumfetzen, eine vage Auflehnung gegen alles, was ich als lästig und fordernd empfinde, Projektionen dieses Gefühls auf andere: dem Kater, der so krächzend miaut, meinem Mann, der in einer vergangenen Situation auf bestimmte Weise reagiert hat und ein Urteil darüber auf einmal hochkommt, eine generelle Abneigung. Dann taucht ein Satzfetzen oder Wort von meinem Vater in mir auf: ‚woaßt“, den er in einer Situation benutzt, in der er meint es mit einer Zumutung zu tun zu haben.
Wenn ich also so aufwache, brauche ich länger an den Punkt in mir zu kommen selbst-gerichtet zu sein, stopp zu sagen und zu atmen um wieder hier zu sein und nicht ferngesteuert von diesem Gefühls- und Gedankenbrei. Es erfordert schon mehr Willen auszusteigen aus diesem Zustand, wenn ich länger geschlafen hab.
In letzter Zeit kommen auch öfter alte Zustände in mir hoch, von denen ich gemeint habe, dass sie abgehakt waren, dass ich sie ‚transzendiert‘ habe, indem ich mir andere Verhaltensweisen aneignet hab und mich damit identifiziert habe – nämlich, dass ich über diese Zustände drüber hinweg bin. Da bin ich wohl auf Mind reingefallen und hab mir was vorgemacht, hab bloß vermieden Gefühle wahrzunehmen und sie dadurch unterdrückt, bin nicht eingestiegen, aber sie waren nicht ‚entlassen‘, nicht vergeben, und dadurch waren sie / sind sie noch ein Teil von mir. Nun sind sie gelegentlich wieder da.
Ich werde sie demnächst anschauen und sie niederschreiben, um sie mal in aller Deutlichkeit und Klarheit vor mir zu haben, um mich in und als dieser Zustand zu sehen und ‚aufzuräumen‘, Richtung reinzubringen.
Ein Thema ist auf jeden Fall schwelender Ärger. Erwartungen von Verhaltensweisen, die eine ‚Zumutung‘ darstellen, bzw. auch Verhaltensweisen von anderen, die ich als ‚Zumutung‘ beurteile. Das beinhaltet z.B. auch das Gefühl, das auf den Gedanken folgt ich müsse den anderen immer hinterherräumen, wenn ich was wegräume, das ich nicht hergeräumt/benutzt habe, und wenn ‚wieder einmal nur halbscharig aufgeräumt‘ wurde: ‚Klar, dass ich das wieder bin, die das sieht und wegräumt!‘ Das basiert schon mal auf der von mir akzeptierten ‚Grundwahrnehmung‘, auf die ich beim Aufräumen Bezug nehme: „Die anderen ‚leben‘ hier und im Hintergrund waltet die ‚tücht’ge Hausfrau‘“ - fast eine Hotelsituation – für die anderen. Durch diesen einmal etablierten Wahrnehmungsfilter sehe ich mich, beurteile ich mein Tun / so manche Bewegung in der Küche, im Bad, beim Aufheben von achtlos Fallen- und Liegengelassenem.
Eigentlich ist das ja auch Ärger darüber, dass ich mal so war, dass ich früher einfach alles Mögliche herumliegen hab lassen und dann von meinem Vater in Ärger darauf aufmerksam gemacht wurde. Weil es ihn gestört hat. Ich hätte es irgendwann schon aufgeräumt, weil es ja meins ist, weil mich das selbst schon mal gestört hätte, wenn ich wieder draufgestoßen wäre. Der Ärger ist deswegen da, weil er meint es muss jetzt sein, es muss sein, weil er sich jetzt dran stört, weil das nicht geht. Weil das eine ‚Zumutung‘ ist. Der Kreis schließt sich. Ich kann mich erinnern, dass ich ganz schön wütend war, aber ich hab’s runtergeschluckt.
Und jetzt der Ärger darüber, dass ich denke die anderen dürfen das, was mir damals nicht erlaubt war. Doch ab und zu lasse ich diesen Ärger hochkommen und geb ihm Ausdruck. Ich übergeb diesem Ärger in gewisser Weise die Herrschaft über mich darin wie ich mich ausdrücke, es schwingt beim Hinweis darauf, was ich als ‚Zumutung‘ mir gegenüber erachte (ich benutze dabei wohl die Worte, die mein Vater schon benutzt hat) dieser ganze damalige unterdrückte Ärger mit, plus immer wieder neu aufgeladene und unterdrückte ‚Auflagen‘/‘Schichten‘ dieser Emotion. Das muss doch an die Substanz gehen. Und das erlaub ich nicht mehr. Das ist die eigentliche Zumutung, die ich mir antue: Dass ich diesen Ärger schlucke, mich überhaupt in diesem Ärger erlaube, anstatt zu atmen und ihn mit Selbstvergebung zu entlassen und mir dadurch ermögliche anders mit dem, was hier ist, umzugehen.
Ok, ich merke gerade, dass ich mir sage, dass es nicht möglich sein wird aus dem ‚Hinterherräumen‘ rauszukommen. Darauf kommt es momentan auch nicht an. Es geht um die Erfahrung, die ich dabei hab. Was ich mir auch antue durch die Erfahrung in und als ich, wenn ich ‚hinterherräume‘, wer ich darin bin.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe an der Emotion von Ärger teilzunehmen als mein Vater in einem Wut-Zustand von ‚das ist eine Zumutung‘ gesagt oder angedeutet hat ich solle aufräumen, anstatt zu atmen und zu erkennen, dass ich das nicht bin und stopp zu sagen. Darin vergebe ich mir, dass ich erlaubt und akzeptiert habe den Ärger über seine Reaktion meinerseits als Zumutung mir gegenüber zu beurteilen und diese Emotion zu unterdrücken, anstatt zu erkennen, dass ich sie nur scheinbar von mir getrennt halte und dadurch nicht als sie stehe und mir darin Richtung gebe.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu erkennen, dass ich dem Ärger Macht über meine Erfahrung von mir Hier überlasse, wenn ich ihn beiseiteschiebe und ihn unterdrücke, anstatt mich in und als ihn zu konfrontieren und mir selbst-gerichtete Handlungsfähigkeit erlaube, und mich darin.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe Ängst vor diesen Zustand des Ärgers in mir zu haben, weil ich mir als ihn keine Richtung gegeben habe.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe die Angst vor diesem Ärger in mir zu unterdrücken und nicht zu erkennen. Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe darin den Ärger auf meinen Mann zu projizieren, wobei ich dann diesen Ärger reflektiert durch ihn erlebe, wie er gegen mich gerichtet ist, anstatt mich direkt eins-und-gleich wahrzunehmen.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu glauben ich müsse hinter anderen herräumen, anstatt zu erkennen, dass ich diesen Gedanken von meinem Vater übernommen habe und für mich als real akzeptiert habe indem ich an diesem Gedanken teilnehme.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu glauben, dass Unordnung eine Zumutung ist und dass sie gleich aufgeräumt werden muss, und dass ich die einzige bin, die das so sieht und handeln muss.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu erkennen, dass ich mich in einer Zeitschleife gefangen halte, indem ich mich in und als Gedanken lebe von ‚Immer muss ich aufräumen, weil ich die einzige bin, die das sieht. Das ist eine Zumutung.‘, wobei der Anfangspunkt und Endpunkt dieser Zeitschleife die Situation mit meinem Vater ist, in der ich an Ärger und dessen Unterdrückung teilgenommen habe.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu erkennen, dass ‚Unordnung‘ mir aufzeigt, dass ich nicht in jedem Moment für das, was ich mache, Verantwortung übernehmen will, sondern aufschiebe etwas gleich zu tun und auf einen energetischen Impuls warte, das Liegengebliebene zu erledigen.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu erkennen, dass mir mein Vater meine mangelnde Selbstverantwortung für meine Sachen vorgehalten hat und ich das nicht sehen wollte und stattdessen mit Wut auf ihn reagiert habe und diese sodann unterdrückt habe.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich erlaubt und akzeptiert habe nur immer in anderen mangelnde Selbstverantwortung zu erkennen und mit Wut und Ärger darauf zu reagieren und zu meinen ich sei dafür verantwortlich, anstatt meine Selbstverantwortung wahrzunehmen für das, was in jedem Augenblick Hier ist, als ich, und es nicht als ‚Unordnung‘ zusammenkommen zu lassen und mich in weiteren Zeitschleifen zu verlieren.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe mit Ärger darauf zu reagieren, wenn mir meine (Selbst-) Verantwortungslosigkeit vorgeführt wird. Darin vergebe ich mir, dass ich erlaubt und akzeptiert habe es persönlich zu nehmen, wenn mir reflektiert wird, dass ich nicht selbst-verantwortlich gehandelt habe und etwas tun sollte, anstatt zu sehen, was zu tun ist und zu handeln.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe den eigentlichen Auslöser der zeitlichen Gedankenschleife zu erkennen, nämlich die Tatsache, dass ich etwas, das mir von meinem Vater reflektiert wurde, persönlich genommen habe und es dadurch von mir gewiesen habe / es von mir getrennt gehalten habe, anstatt zu erkennen, das ich mich in dem Reflektierten wahrnehmen hätte können, mich selbst zu sehen; nämlich mich zu fragen, was ist da dran, wodurch beteilige ich mich an Energie und stelle sie über mich, und bin dadurch nicht Hier als ich selbst, als Atem.
Ich sage stopp zu Gedanken von ‚Immer muss ich aufräumen, weil ich die einzige bin, die das sieht. Das ist eine Zumutung. Woaßt…‘, weil ich weiß, dass ich ein Gedankenmuster nähre, das seinen Ursprung in etwas hat, das ich persönlich genommen habe anstatt mir zu erlauben mich zu sehen.
Ich erlaube mich nicht in der Emotion von Ärger, wenn’s um Aufräumen von Unordnung geht, von der ich glaube sie ist von anderen verursacht, denn er trennt mich von mir Hier und bindet mich an vergangene Erfahrungen. Ich sage stopp und atme. Wenn ich nicht im Atem handeln kann, verlasse ich den ‚Schauplatz‘ und schreibe auf was hier ist.
Ich erkenne, dass der Ärger sich von dem Punkt in mir nährt die Unordnung als Verantwortungslosigkeit des anderen zu beurteilen, die ich jetzt tragen soll und die mir zugemutet wird.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe mich in der Position des Opfers zu sehen, indem ich glaube ich muss für die Faulheit und Verantwortungslosigkeit anderer geradestehen, anstatt zu erkennen, dass ich das erledige was in jedem Augenblick Hier ist, wegräume was mir in meiner Handlungsfähigkeit im Weg ist.
Ich erlaube mich nicht in und als Urteil über und von Unordnung, weil ich weiß dass ich mich darin schon in mir trenne.
Ich erkenne, dass es keine Verantwortung des anderen gibt, sondern nur Selbst-Verantwortung.
Ich atme und handle selbst-gerichtet und selbstverantwortlich.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe die Notwendigkeit des Handelns davon abhängig zu machen, wer die Notwendigkeit verursacht hat.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe Dinge als das wahrzunehmen, was sie sind und wo sie gerade sind, sondern Konnotationen an sie zu knüpfen und sie zu bewerten gemäß wer was mit ihnen gemacht hat („hat er wieder stehen lassen“) oder nicht, um dann einen Schluss daraus zu ziehen, der entscheidet ob ich es persönlich nehme und einen Widerstand aufbaue, mich ärgere, einen aburteilenden Gedanke gegenüber demjenigen erlaube, und dann aufräume oder die Dinge stehen lasse.
Ich vergebe mir, dass ich erlaubt und akzeptiert habe, dass ich eine subjektive Bewertung eines Sachverhalts über mich als selbst-direktives Verhalten gestellt habe und mich in meiner Erfahrung von mir eingeschränkt habe auf die Erfahrung von mir im Urteilen, Ärger, Frust, Vorurteil, Beschuldigung und innere Widerrede.
Ich stelle keinen Bezug her zu Dingen, sondern erlaube mich im Handeln Hier, als Atem.
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