| Dec 1, '10 6:11 PM for barbara's network |
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power
away to the idea of 'control', specifically to the idea that the results
that I get can be or are being'checked'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power
away to a starting point of the polarity of right and wrong when
entertaining the idea that something I do is checked , instead of seeing
that a result might not be in alignment with substance, but show that a
certain specific point needs attention.
I realize there is no right and wrong only equality and oneness,- and
points that are still within the polarity of energy within me that
constitute the separation that I have allowed and accepted, will be
revealed and walked to equality and oneness as me-Here.
I stand one and equal with the results that I achieve, which is what is
Here as me atm as self-expression. Unclarity within the muscle feedback
shows me only that I am allowing mind-influence which is
'inconveniencing' communication. I can ask: "Am I allowing influence as
the mind? State point of influence (lists, dictionary…)"
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that
others have better answers, are smarter, more intelligent, or have more
information thus rationalizing my belief that 'my answer isn't as good
as that of the others'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to base my
experiences with communication on a memory of 'my answer isn't as good
as that of others' that was established at the age of 9 in 4th grade.
I now release this memory as the starting point of communication as me,
along with 'my answer is not useful', 'it doesn't amount to anything',
it's not what the others want to hear' and realize that the answer I
receive within mc is simply what is Here - no mind interpretation desired.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with
nervousness in a situation where my mc results can be checked and might
turn out as 'not congruent with substance'. Within this, I forgive
myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access a
memory/feeling/experience of 'being tested as in an initiation ritual',
instead of allowing me Here within a one and equal communication with
substance-as-me.
I stop allowing memories or feeling experiences of the past to influence
self-intimate communication.
I allow mind absolutely no room here in the communication with
me-as-substance. No judgment of validity, no doubt, no comparison, no
idea of 'my answers not being as good as those of others'. I am taking
back the power of self-intimate communication with who-I-am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect
unclear mc with 'despair' and 'needing' the information to be clear
because it is 'vital for survival'.
Memory of early 1st grade school days. Nobody had realized that my
eye-sight was impaired and I couldn't read the info on the board from
where I was sitting. I felt the same despair and survival issues: "I
can't survive in this situation - I don't know what to do, the answer is
there and I can't read it, everybody else is somehow getting it. I felt
consumed by that pressure of 'needing' the information for homework or
to understand, because it will be tested and I had had no access to it.
I felt isolated.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear clarity.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as bad
eye-sight.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to despair due to
not seeing and being able to read the information on the board and fear
for survival.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'not know what
to do', due to not 'getting the information' that I perceived everyone
else got.
Probably I had wanted to protect myself from a certain clarity by
allowing my eye-sight to diminish and thus a fear of clarity is Here and
at the same time a 'need' for clear info.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as the
polarity of 'fear of clarity' and 'a desperate need for clarity'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing
all aspects of myself in clarity and then desperately 'need' to see what
I have separated myself from.
I stop allowing fear and need and place myself as stable one and equal
to me as substance as who-I-am Here.
Fear of seeing me / facing me comes from fear of not being good enough,
so if I don't face me I won't be 'disappointed' and my belief won't be
true and wouldn't feel desperate.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the idea
of a standard of 'good enough' over myself and give in to fear of facing
myself thus allowing 'unclarity' in and as me resulting in diminished
eye-sight and unclear mc. Within this, I forgive myself that I've
accepted and allowed myself to simultaneously have created a perceived
need to get clear results within mc and placing this need above myself
to the point of making it a 'vital necessity' without which I despaired.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as
resistance of facing the points that I have separated myself from, which
is reflected by diminished eye-sight and 'rough patches' = unclear
responses in mc.
I allow myself to see myself within what I have separated myself which
is announced by resistances.
I delete all ideas of survival w/r/t communication.
I delete all ideas of 'being good enough'.
I stop comparison.
I am Here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play a role of
what I perceived of being good enough.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project onto
others what they would accept and like and then play the corresponding
role. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed
myself to have placed ideas and projections above me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have separated
myself into a role of myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe a role
would be good enough and 'better' than who-I-am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe they
wouldn't like me if I didn't adopt a 'funny role' with 'in' expressions.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to
want to please and be liked.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe it's a
matter of surviving to be good enough and so I played a role because I
didn't trust myself enough.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take myself
'seriously' enough to move as me, to be me and actually be seen by the
other and thus see the other too, because then I wouldn't be focused on
playing a role.
I allow myself as self-expression, instead of within and as roles.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play a role
within mc as in playing it through as a method, getting it done for the
sake of it and getting 'hits' that reveal something as an energetic AHA
effect,instead of actually really wanting to learn what is 'beyond' the
resistances and seeing myself, walking myself, living myself. Within
this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be
consistent within 'pulling out the strings of information' to amalgamate
with substance.
I stop allowing myself as the idea of myself and I stop presenting
myself as this idea. I stop participation in energy when receiving
revealing words and come to an understanding of sorts.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to go
conform with others as a way to 'be good enough' as a way to 'survive'
in a group setting.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the
belief I needed to go conform to survive, thus creating myself as and
within self-compromise, starting at the age of 4.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into
self-doubt and despair when a point is contradictory and seems not valid.
I stop the emotions, breathe, clear my starting point and resistances
and retest, then continue and maybe go into detail by placing the
questions differently and toward the end of the session by asking for
relevance and validity.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have given
survival issues priority over self-expression within self-trust through
wanting to go conform for fear of standing alone.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created
myself in the polarity end of survival instead of self-expression as Life.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have
placed myself with and as self-trust when muscle communicating and
instead accessed the survival mode of the mind with the starting point
of the idea of 'it is working' - as a need - to go conform and not 'drop
out' and thus sometimes just going through the moves withoutactually
being Here as self-intimate self-communication with substance via the
muscle at all times.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as mc
to accommodate an 'interpretation corridor' for mind w/r/t a yes/no and
i/c result. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed
myself to become frustrated and despair over unclear results and thus
allow doubt in my capabilities of 'standing clear' when it comes to
testing points that 'are revealing'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as mind to
influence mc.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to despair over
resistance and mind influence instead of directing myself in a way that
has the starting point of Here-as-me, breath, self-trust, self-will to
actually see me clearly within all this.
I stop accepting mind as an intermediary between myself and who-I-am Here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let 'wanting
to belong' flow into mc due to an experience of 'wanting to belong'
together with wanting to be accepted and having adapted my 'personality'
to go conform; wanting to be able to do something special which 'adds
value to me' in my mind's eye (I) coming from this deficiency I
experienced when with my cousin and her friends to whom I wanted to
'belong'.
I stop allowing aspects of 'deficiency', 'value', 'personality',
'excelling at something' and 'belonging' pertaining to
self-communication, specifically mc.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access the
feeling of insecurity as stored in a memory of 'not knowing the
unwritten rules' and searching for structure in a set of rules w/r/t
behavior instead of directing myself in and as self-trust.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that allowing insecurities within the thought / feeling of not knowing
the unwritten rules renders mc unclear and within this not realizing
that there are no 'unwritten' rules for mc.
I allow no insecurities w/r/t mc as I realize that these lead to unclear
results.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being
revealed as 'unauthentic', 'unreal' and 'fake' because I was assuming a
role by wanting to excel.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as the
thought pattern of 'what will the others think?' and within this, I
forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider the
impression another might have of me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I
needed points of identification to 'chart' myself as life to feel
secure, instead of allowing breath in every moment as me within me to
direct me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek to belong.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be
seen on a certain level instead of who I actually am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the
'inconvenience' of 'needing' valid mc results to be comfortable and at
ease with mc.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the
mind that this 'need' was real and, by accepting this, creating a block
and unclarity with mc, so as soon as the 'need' was believed the block
came as if to reinforce the state of 'needing'.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that I was creating the 'block' by reacting to a perceived 'need'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to construct an
'inconvenience' that stands in the way of mc in the form of needing
valid results and clarity in mc.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'need' myself
to 'function' to be at ease, to 'need' me to be 'valid' for others.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to
create myself as 'unclear' in self-expression due to this perceived need.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt that mc
is working for me instead of seeing that I had allowed distraction and
self-doubt which manifested in unclear mc.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rush to the
point of pressing the muscle down in an automatic way without
considering clearly which kind of 'feedback language' I'm applying (y/n
or i/c) due to not allowing time (being in breath) to clearly state the
point on hand as a question or a statement to be tested, which
interrupts 'the flow' because I have to rephrase and doing so allows
judgment and eventually doubt to sneak in.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'tune' into a
'melody' of saying the words I'm testing, i.e. how I emphasise specific
letters of the alphabet within a set or row. (= I would say a row of
letters and my voice would drop a bit on a letter or word and
simultaneously I would allow the muscle to 'tune' into this and show a
change on that letter or word.)
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let myself be
influenced by the vocalization rhythm or melody when testing out a row
of points (letters or words) when testing, so that I get a 'change' on
the drop of my voice, instead of placing the words or letters to be
tested equally in the same 'pitch' not as part of something recited (as
memorized along with a tune).
When testing I 'treat' each and every word or letter as equal by voicing
each individually, not as part of a 'sing-song'/tune with a varying
voice that can 'trigger' a muscle response at the end of a row. I
understand that when my voice goes into a 'melody mode' when testing
that I slightly open up my mind in an expectation that the letter might
test out, as when asking a question and at the end of it the voice rises
a bit to indicate a question, which intends to trigger a response from
someone (at this point my muscle sometimes responds), as if it were a
signal: 'I've finished the sentence /row of words and now you (the
muscle) can respond'. Strange...
I stop allowing me as mind to 'suggest' a letter or word as valid by
allowing a muscle 'response' on the change of intonation, as an
automatic reaction when I am not in breath. I place myself as breath and
test again.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm
poorly adapted to my environment, due to giving in to a feeling of
'misfitting', being different which made the interaction with others
'forced' in a way.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in
a feeling, believing it to be real.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to conclude that
because I was watching what I say that I 'didn't fit'.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that I could simply stop 'watching what I say' which is done in
separation of me, and trust myself in self-expression which would render
the belief of 'misfitting' invalid.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed 100% valid mc
results to be able to hold the belief and self-identification of being
poorly adapted to my environment which allowed me to draw back from
communicating and interacting with others, which in turn allowed me to
avoid challenging what I identified with and standing in my truth as
who-I-am or who I accepted and allowed myself to be for fear of seeing
this as 'not real' / 'not true'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power
away to the fear of not being real and thus not valid and thus hide in
the seclusion of mind-not-challenged and not communicated.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that valid results coming from me when muscle communicating would mean
this subconscious fear of not being real / valid would have no substance
/ wouldn't be true, consequently I could observe myself as 'fitting'and
face myself within and as the others as an integral part.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that the idea / belief of 'misfitting' was due to not trusting myself
within and as communication in the first place, because I had given my
power away to the observation of others' reactions (how it was taken) to
what I communicated, perceiving this to be real and taking it personally.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power
away to the perception of 'how others take what I say' and thus make
communication and self-expression conditional.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe others
could invalidate me by not seeing the validity of the point I'm wanting
to communicate.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel
invalidated by their reactions to what I'm communicating.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that feeling invalidated is a reaction on my part and comes from not
being 'real' within what I communicate, because it is 'of the mind'.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that when I stop communication as a reaction, due to having taken
something personally, and fearing reactions, there is something I'm only
professing to be and am not actually real within and as it.
I only communicate what is Here as and within me because that is real.
Wanting seclusion tells me I want to be within my mind. I trust myself
within communicating what is Here as and within me, because that is real
and valid and cannot be invalidated. Thus, I can ascertain that others'
reactions are 'theirs', because I have placed myself Here-as-me and I
can remain as and within breath.
I allow 'valid' mc as I allow myself to be 'valid', real, Here.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself 100% valid
mc results to not have to give 100% of me in an effort.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that 'not giving 100%' is not being Here 100%.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be Here 100%.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'chart' my
life as me as less than 100% real and valid.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prevent
validity and reality of myself by way of 'not being Here as me as real
as Life as communication and self-expression' spiraling into the
seclusion and separation of mind-as-me.
I am real / Here within every act and word of communication, be it with
others or myself in mc.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have placed
the idea of 'misfitting' due to mis-communication before/above
self-expression and self-trust.
I place myselfHere-as-me = real. Here I 'hold' 100% 'validity'. I do not
accept and allow myself as 'misfitting' - this is describing me-as-mind,
as a mind state that doesn't fit Life. I face me-as-mind and direct
these mind points as me one and equal and allow myself to stand here
100%. I allow myself to face myself in communication.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use
'misfitting' as an excuse to not face me within communication.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use fear of
being misunderstood and having to face reactions (of others and my own)
as excuse for not facing me within communication.
I am one and equal to communication. I stop allowing unclear
communication as point of protection. I stop allowing limitation within
communication. I stop allowing placements of myself as mind as watching
what I say or do with the starting point of 'I don't fit in' because
'I'm different' or not 'as valid'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel
overwhelmed by the extent to which I have separated myself as me and the
others by placing me as 'unequal' and 'misfitting' and thus above me.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to
'play a role' to compensate for not being here as me.
I allow and accept myself here as me in communication. I am equal to the
information I've separated myself from by believing my answer isn't as
good as that of others. I allow and accept to integrate what I have
separated myself from within me.
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| Dec 6, '10 6:01 AM for barbara's network |
Persönlichkeit ist nicht real, hat nichts mit Leben zu tun, weil es sie nicht mehr gibt, wenn wir tot sind. Nichts von dem, mit dem wir uns
identifizieren, wird 'als uns' 'überleben', weil es jetzt schon nicht lebt bzw. Realität besitzt.
Eigentlich ist nichts von dem, was wir sind, richtig lebendig. Wir sind Maschinen, Systeme, Automaten, die sich auf etwas einmal Festgelegtem hin, sei es durch die DNS oder 'Erfahrungen', immer auf mehr oder weniger die selbe Art kreieren. Dadurch akzeptieren wir, dass uns das Leben aus unserem Körper
ausgesaugt ,wird', durch unser uns Einlassen auf die immerwährenden Kreisläufe der Verhaltensmuster, der Selbstkompromisse, als die wir uns 'leben', in der Trennung von dem was eigentlich wichtig ist, Hier, dem
Essentiellen, und wir lassen stattdessen Leid, Qual, Krieg, inneren Zwiespalt, Überlebenskampf etc. zu...
Dann, stirbt' er, unser Körper, von dem wir uns gedanklich getrennt haben -- und wir sterben mit ihm. Denn wir waren nicht real / sind so nicht real als Persönlichkeit, ,Mind Entities'. Der Körper kehrt zurück zu dem was er ist: Substanz.
Wir sind bloß das, was an uns echt real ist/war, was wir als uns - echt - ohne Identifikationen, Ideen, Konstrukten etc. gelebt haben, also alles das, wovor wir nicht angst haben es verlieren zu können weil wir es sind, weil wir 'als das' Hier sind.
Der Körper ist aus dem Leben der Erde, der Substanz, Ausdruck des Lebens, aus und als Substanz. Das Bewusstseinssystem - Mind,
Persönlichkeit, Gedanken, Gefühle, Emotionen - wurde ihm aufoktruyiert, durch unser Zulassen - von uns, dem Wesen, das als
,Motor' zum Antrieb des Bewusstseinssystems nötig ist.
Jetzt bleibt als einziger Weg die Verschmelzung mit dem Körper um wirklich Hier zu sein, lebendig zu sein -- Hier gibt es keine Gedanken der Identifikation, Schwingungspolaritäten, Energie, Zeit...
nur Atem und selbst-gerichtetes
Handeln, Handeln aus dem Selbst heraus, das Leben ist, als Eins, da es für alle(s) gleich ist, dem Hier-Sein, der Substanz heraus.
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| Dec 12, '10 5:52 PM for barbara's network |
Self-manipulation takes place within the mind -- the mind-as-self
manipulates self within mind and it all ends up in self-compromise. Even
though I-as-mind fear to be manipulated, I manipulate myself to feel
better, and in that moment don't consider the polarity end that is thus
invited to be lived out in the next moment.
I manipulate myself to do some writing and feel better when I have done
so, and with this starting point I create the 'bad conscience feeling'
when I don't keep up with writing 'the way I had intended or pictured
myself doing'.
This has compounded, I created excuses within my mind, found A LOT to
do, allowed myself to do stuff that wouldn't have needed all that time I
committed to it, misled myself to believe I was working things out in
self-awareness within breath, contemplating and considering while doing
housework and sorting things out, instead of being Here within the
experience of me doing it, touching and moving. And then allow myself to
'work things out' within writing or speaking.
Again I place my location point Here in the physical where 'every level
of me' comes together, where all is Here - the dimensional, the inner
self and my body. This is me, my starting point.
Contemplation within mind goes in circles and the outcome is based on
fear and survival thinking -- dishonesty. I allow myself to be Here to
do one thing at a time within and as breath, to experience me as who I
actually am.
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| Dec 19, '10 4:09 AM for everyone |
I have been experiencing extreme shoulder pain the last couple of days and looked up veno's structural resonance writings on the points.So it turns out that the points that my body is telling me to have a close look at are: survival skills
Veno distinguishes between those survival skills transferred from the mother (left shoulder point) and those from the father (right shoulder point). My right shoulder has started to hurt first, but after a day or two it switched over to the left shoulder mainly.
... "The points represent your 'strength' and 'vigour' which you 'inherited'/transferred and copied/duplicated specifically from your parents" - the transference takes place in the womb with the unconscious mcs as the platform which later is the basis for the copying stage thru observations during childhood which are seen as 'individualizations', 'personalizations'. In essence every human being is exactly the same as they consist of and as consciousness structural resonance systems..."The belief of having your own personality comes from you who personalized and individualized the way you designed, created, manifested and implemented your conscious and subconscious mind and the consciousness systems within you - that's where your apparent 'uniqueness' and 'individual personality' comes from!"
... survival skills are for instance that which you utilize within yourself to have/maintain control of yourself and your world within which you experience yourself ... your maintanance/control skills which provide you with the ability to maintain and control your world. To have you be able to place yourself effectively within the system as your world within which you 'experience' yourself as a consciousness structural resonance system, to place others effectively in your world so that everything within and of your world, including those within it - is placed to support and assist you in remaining a consciousness structural resonance system.
... survival of me as a consciousness structural resonance system within the system/my world within which I experience myself, which is only effective in my ability to place myself and to place others in my world, to maintain and control my world and those within it - which will assist and support me in remaining a consciousness structural resonance system and this is done through skills I acquired from my parents and ancestors to control and maintain my world through control instead of expressing myself freely and unconditionally and live.
The points in Veno's document for the female side (female expressive survival skills) are:
- having the ability to 'experience' emotions and feelings
- being prepared to start a family in 'loving' and 'appreciating' your family and taking care of them properly
- presenting the perfect lady-like presentation of yourself to be abel to 'capture' and 'attract' men for sex
- building as many relationship connections with others - securing the safety of being able to communicate continuously for no reason or purpose but to enhance consciousness within you
- school - education - university - degree - job - money = first priority
- desire a relationship
As the right shoulder has also been hurting and the pain actually started there, I will have to have a look at the 'father survival system' also (Veno: ... because her right shoulder point survival skill transference from her father is submissive, she'll with no doubt be in a relationship with men who resemble her father to complete her survival skill system in both her shoulder points):
- being a man: no feelings and emotions expressed
- ego, being strong
- sufficient money for family, education etc., desire of relationship
All of these points together "...traps you and cages you within yourself and within this world to remain a consciousness structural resonance system... and those which 'threaten' or could possibly 'influence' your existence as the structural resonance which defines 'who-you-are' within the system - you discard from your world. And will do anything and everything in your power to maintain and control yourself, your world and those within your world - to remain enslaved within the system as 'who-you-are' per defintion of your consciousness structural resonance system within and as you."
So these are the points I'll be looking at in the coming days - the 'cult' point also comes into this and problems with mc, trusting myself within it totally, unconditionally - because would mean I would be able to 'break out' and release the sort of control I've been holding on to since... for ever?!
More to come.
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