calling out the game

I’ve been looking at point of extensive blemishes in my face and how I have been allowing self-suppression.

Besides trying to find a competent foot reflexology practitioner I muscle-tested what else could be supportive to break open some points within which I am suppressing myself. ‘Staphisagria’ came up. It was supportive to take 5 Globuli once every 4 days 5 times. So into the second week I really got in touch with some deep-rooted anger surging up within me and experienced myself in a way that reminded me of long-suppressed emotions.

It came up with this event with my husband that actually reflected an ‘age-old’ relived theme.

I was taken by surprise by the emotion being so strong that I had to leave the scene to get some air and space between us. After some initial sf and breathing and looking at this while driving down country roads I saw:

We’re both victimizing each other by playing power games of superiority/inferiority and good guy/bad guy. Till now I’ve always thought for me it started with: He comes in and ‘dumps his emotions onto me’ seeing himself ‘wronged in a way’ and blaming me. Then I experience myself as ‘abused and wronged by his reaction’ and ‘I’m the ‘good’ person’, ‘I can’t do anything about it.’ ‘He’s the one with the problem’.

However, I hadn’t considered the story behind it and all the back-chat.

The realization had been facilitated by working on a mind-construct on my brother, wherein I was able to see the experience of inferiority within and as ‘the comparison games’ I had been participating in and the later steadily recurring dreams of ‘powerlessness’ toward him, though I had had hardly any contact to him. In the dreams I was trying to slap him in the face in various attempts and just couldn’t reach him! And now the anger that I hadn’t allowed for a long time had suddenly come up a bit, shortly after an event with my husband.

So here I now want to share some of the self-forgiveness I did on the event with my husband (the sf on the mc on my brother is not dealt with here)

1. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he is conjuring something up within and as his mind and then dumping it onto me, instead of seeing that I don’t know this for sure, and it is not real anyway because it is mind.
2. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe something that is of the mind, whether mine or his. I understand that I am making this real by believing it is so and acting as if it were so. I stop myself within and as this belief.
3. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame him for conjuring something up in and as his mind and dumping it on me.
4. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe he could ‘dump something on me’. Instead I see that within this perception I am accepting and allowing abuse. I stop this by non-participation within and as this perception and judgment.
5. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge him as ‘dumping his emotions and conjectures onto me’. I realize I do this because I don’t want to see that this reflects my own suppressed emotions with respect to the game we are playing, as of ‘being perceived as the ‘bad one’ that is at fault and he as the ‘wronged one’ who is victimized. Also I realize that by participating in this perception I am allowing myself to be manipulated into ‘turning the game around’ so that I can perceive myself as the ‘good one’ who is ‘wronged’ and ‘abused’. I realize that this is actually self-abuse. Me abusing me-as-life.
6. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by participating in this perception I am allowing myself to be manipulated into ‘turning the game around’ so that I can perceive myself as the ‘good one’ who is ‘wronged’ and ‘abused’. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is actually self-abuse. Me abusing me-as-life.
7. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame him for starting this game, instead of seeing that I have charged the energy field for this game by back-chatting by allowing the thoughts of ‘he’s got a problem; doesn’t he understand; he’s dumping it onto me’. I do not allow this back-chat. I stop and breathe.
8. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want him to stop instead of seeing that I am to stop the back-chat.
9. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he wants attention in some form from me. I realize that this is one of the elements of the game we are playing within and as polarity as of ‘he wants attention’ and ‘I want some peace’. I stop myself as and within this polarity game as desire of attention/peace. I realize I can only be ‘at peace’ with myself in and as the stability of breath. – The peace of being left alone is a mind state as it is dependent on external factors and thus not real because not stable Here as and within me.
10. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he’s making me responsible for not-giving him the kind of attention he wants, instead of seeing that the basis for this belief is not here, because I am actually giving him attention by believing he is making me responsible and so I am feeding the ‘field’ for the game to be played.
11. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accuse him for entertaining the perception of being wronged, instead of seeing that by accusing him I am avoiding self-direction and the self-responsibility of not-participating and stopping.
12. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he thinks it’s my fault he’s not getting the attention and he’s indirectly blaming me for it. Instead I see that in entertaining this belief I am allowing the perception of being ‘blamed’ and thus wronged within which I am creating anger within and as me for being ‘victimized’.
13. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play the game: I’m good – he’s bad / I’m bad – he’s good. I stop. I realize that within and as it I am creating the situation of abuse, powerlessness and self-suppression and hate. I realize that this is what the skin is reflecting back at me. I stop.
14. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘powerless’ in the situation that I created.
15. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the other for playing a game that I have participated within and as with my brother already.
16. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within and as self-expression and life by playing this game.
17. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the state of my skin reflected this game I was participating in as and within the energy of wanting to be the ‘good one’ (the good sister) thus trying to turn a perception of an experience around to save my ego from ‘diminishment’.
18. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe he ‘started it’, and judge and blame him for ‘starting it’, instead of seeing that the starting point for this was allowing and accepting myself as and within the desire to be the ‘good one’ in comparison to my brother in the eyes of my mom and dad and stopping myself within and as it.
19. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have compared myself to my brother and projected onto my mother that she perceived him as the ‘good one’ in contrast to me.
20. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire the children to ‘take my side’ instead of realizing that I was passing on ‘the game’ to the next generation and declaring myself as inferior to the self-proclaimed rules of the game.
21. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as not-being at fault/to blame for the experience within and as me and consequently desire of the other to not-blame me, instead of realizing that, here too, the source for my experience of me is always me here.
22. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was blaming the other for my experience of myself by reacting.

Inverting the above sf statements:

1. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to conjure something up within and as my mind and then dump it onto him, instead of seeing that I don’t know this for sure, and it is not real anyway because it is mind.
2. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame him for conjuring something up in and as my mind and dumping it on me and him.
3. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that this reflects my own suppressed emotions with respect to the game we are playing, as of ‘being perceived as the ‘bad one’ that is at fault and he as the ‘wronged one’ who is victimized.
4. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I have charged the energy field for this game by back-chatting by allowing the thoughts of ‘he’s got a problem; doesn’t he understand; he’s dumping it onto me’. I do not allow this back-chat. I stop and breathe.
5. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I am to stop the back-chat.
6. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I want attention in some form from him by wanting him to see me as who-I-am and support me within and as it.
7. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is one of the elements of the game we are playing within and as polarity as of ‘he wants attention’ and ‘I want some peace’. I stop myself as and within this polarity game as desire of attention/peace. I realize I can only be ‘at peace’ with myself in and as the stability of breath.
8. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the peace of being left alone is a mind state as it is dependent on external factors and thus not real because not stable Here as and within me.
9. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I’m making him responsible for not-giving me the kind of attention I want, instead of seeing that the basis for this belief is not here, because he’s actually giving me attention by reflecting me as who-I-am within and as the game.
10. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by accusing him I am avoiding self-direction and the self-responsibility of not-participating and stopping.
11. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that in entertaining the belief that he’s blaming me it’s my fault he’s not getting any attention, I am allowing the perception of being ‘blamed’ and thus wronged within which I am creating anger within and as me for being ‘victimized’.
12. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within and as playing the game of ‘I’m good – he’s bad’ I am creating the situation of abuse, powerlessness and self-suppression and hate. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is what the skin is reflecting back at me. I stop.
13. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I feel ‘powerless’ in the situation that I created and I blame him for this feeling. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into the polarity of ‘superiority’ over him.
14. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I hated myself for not stopping myself within and as the game that I have participated within and as with my brother already.
15. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I had created myself in and as this polarity end as ‘good’ and ‘innocent victim’ in this game as self-image to counter the idea that I was the ‘bad sister’ with respect to fulfilling hopes of my parents and thus limiting myself as life-expression immensely.
16. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself as polarity end as ‘good’ and ‘innocent victim’ in this game as self-image to contrast my experience with my brother and parents.
17. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was trying to turn a perception of an experience around to save my ego from ‘diminishment’.
18. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the starting point for the perception of his role in the game as ‘him always having started it’ was one of allowing and accepting myself as and within the desire to be the ‘good one’ in comparison to my brother in the eyes of my mom and dad and now in contrast to my husband.
19. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the children ‘taking my side’ would make me ‘right’ in ‘the game’ and not realize that I wanted to fortify my self-image of and as ‘the good guy’. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was declaring myself as inferior to the self-proclaimed rules of the game.

The game stops here.

solution: STOP and BREATHE

1 - stop the game from my side – don’t participate;

2 - this starts with the backchat!!!!

Everything along the lines of:

• He’s reacting
• He’s conjecturing
• He just doesn’t understand
• He’s dumping it onto me
• Doesn’t he realize what he’s doing?
• He’s really got a problem

3 - call out the game:

Him: I’m the ‚good guy‘, I can’t be blamed, the one who isn’t appreciated, the one who has been wronged – it’s her fault/she’s the ‘bad guy’, who doesn’t appreciate me.

Me: I’m not the one who started it / who’s to blame (I’m the ‘good guy’) – he’s got a problem (he’s the bad guy)

There’s still another 2 rounds of Staphisagria to go and eventually the reflexology as support. The main support, however, has been the writing, the mind-constructs, the self-forgiveness and the lessons and feedback within SRA and DIP training.