| Nov 3, '10 5:33 AM for barbara's network |
Realization of 2 days ago:
After some hours without contact lenses I receded into the 'base feeling of me', the who-I-am as what I have accepted and allowed, my resonance as a 'wishy-washyness', blurriness:
- In that state there is no reference point as a clear stability
point, like there is, when talking to someone that I see in
front of me, a focal point, someone to focus on (so I haven't
established breath as a stable point within and as me as
something that is automatically there) - The surroundings as 'physicality' is remote
from me, I can get caught up in sadness much more easily,
certain thoughts can catch hold easier - i.e., I let myself
become overwhelmed by certain specific ideas of not being able
to survive - instead of trusting what
is real, touchable, reliable, workable step by step, structure
by doing. The clarity not being there towards physicality,
there is also more fuzziness within and as the experience of
me and vice versa. - Sometimes, when overwhelmed by 'external factors', I feel more
comfortable and safe without the contacts. I shut it all out -
something I must have established as a pattern at the time my
eyes had started to 'get weaker', as a child. - Recording this on my MP3 player I could see that there's no real flow in
voicing this, the voice is hushed, subdued, as if the
information, the points are floating within this blurriness; I
seem to lose what I want to say within this blurriness and not
be able to place the words - 'ex-press' them (virtually like having
to press them out). - Contact lens is a tool - a lens for contact - the actual state is that
without the tool-- the blurriness - Trying to address or go from the point of reference , in and as me,
when speaking - but finding none really. - Some time into the recording I had allowed myself to actually
breathe and stabilize myself, which I hadn't tried before in
such a state, because I wear contacts most of the time. This
state is basically still there when I wear the contacts, but
not this obvious, and especially not when I focus on an
'external reference point' (i.e. some notes, a person) - So: first allow myself as and within breath as a point of
reference, then place myself as one and equal to what I want
to say to gain clarity and then access this point of clarity
as me within and as breath - At some point I have accepted and allowed myself as this
blurriness and have sought for stability in the form of
relationships as external reference points, but this didn't
change this basic state of blurriness within me that is
reflected by my eye-sight. - Some fears of the past have come up again and I gave into them for
a while, identified with them as they were so familiar and the
reason for me to find a solution in relationships, but I
realized I could say stop. This 'Stop' enabled me to find a
reference point in and as me. Stop, breathe and see what is
here. And act. - My relationship to my youngest daughter is rather close, (also)
because it is very interesting for me to observe her
perspective on the situation she's in now which is similar to
the one I was in when having to make a decision what to do
after 'Abitur'. She's obviously not accessing 'a state of
blurriness' within her decision-making process, which let me
see myself in contrast.
I'll share the sf on this soon.
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| Nov 4, '10 12:18 PM for barbara's network |
Sf
- I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to access a state of 'wishy-washy'
within which I lack a reliable reference point when not
wearing contact lenses. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself within the experience of feeling insufficient
in finding words to express what is here and seeing myself
unable to do so effectively, due it not being clear within me. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that when something isn't here in
clarity yet, I can write till I have brought it Here in
clarity and then speak. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to see that if something is unclear, I place
myself Here first, as and within breath, instead of
identifying with the 'unclarity' as such. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to see that I can now muscle-test the
corresponding word, emotion, feeling and go from Here to get
clarity. - I forgive myself that I've allowed and
accepted myself to believe the feeling of being 'dispersed and
scattered as in a bubble without clear reference point as me'
and let myself be 'overwhelmed' by it.
When there is the experienced feeling state of 'unclarity' and
'blurriness' within me and as me, I stop myself within the
identification with it. I breathe. I sit down and write myself
out. Then I can talk about it, sound me out as one and equal with 'it'.
- I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself unable to express something.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to have the points I want to communicate Here
as me/with me in clarity. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to be Here in and as the clarity of
communication and let what is Here flow out with ease. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to feel restricted in communicating. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to often depend on contact lenses for the
experience state of clarity within and as me. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to be here as the stability of breath as a
reference point within and as me and instead get used to a
contact lens to make up for the experience of 'blurriness'
that is inside me. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to seclude myself within
and as the state of 'blurriness', instead of 'making clear
contact' with what is Here. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself within and as a separation of me within
'blurriness' and 'something out there'. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to avoid seeing something 'out there' which
causes the blurriness and thus the inability of communicating
and directing myself clearly. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to actually only be able to 'contact myself' in
clarity with a stable outside reference point that I can see
when speaking. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't
accepted and allowed myself to realize that the cause for this
was that I hadn't placed me-as-breath Here as a stable
reference point, but allowed myself as fear of something 'out
there', which is actually me, too. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to see that placing my reference point Here as
breath would enable me to act, taking in account what I
perceive as 'out there'.
I allow and accept myself as breath Here as a 'reference point of
clarity', realize that what is 'out there' is an aspect of me and direct
myself within and as that.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed
myself to realize that by identifying with the 'fuzziness of mind' thinking that I am that in actuality, I participated as if it were true, thus
making it real as the experience of me. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to, at a point in my childhood, have become so
overwhelmed by external factors that I felt more comfortable
and safe when I was secluded within this 'fuzziness and
blurriness'. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that this 'blurriness' was a 'safe
haven' for me, and in accepting it as a 'safe haven' I also
opened myself to ideas, feelings and emotions that set me up
for insecurities, doubt, reactions and survival mode. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe I could hide from myself by allowing
me as my senses to create a state of 'blurriness', as if the
reality of the 'outside-as-me' would then change. I just
didn't allow the clarity and accuity of it within and as me. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to let communication as me, words as me, flow
out in clear vocality, instead subdued, and
in a way that I seem to lose 'contact' to what I want to say. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to 'lose contact' with a stable point of
reference of me in and as me when speaking and when
introspective. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to forsake self-intimacy. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to search for the stability point outside of
myself in relationships, instead of seeing that I was looking
for a reference point outside of myself when speaking, because
I didn't trust me within this blurriness I have allowed. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to realize that I could say stop and be here as
me within me as self-intimacy as the stable reference of
who-I-am as breath and sound as self-expression. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to create myself to a point that I was happy to
have another perspective of acting, of direction, instead of
allowing myself as self-direction, here within and as me,
without the blurring influence of mind, but clear, here as
breath. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to want to hold onto to a 'sane other
perspective'.
- I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to exist within and as the state of 'miserable
blurriness'. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to be glad to get another perspective on how
one can clarify oneself and make a decision, which my daughter
is currently giving me, and within this seeing the starting
point of 'blurriness' that I assumed in similar situations,
instead of standing in and as self-intimacy and realizing
myself as self-direction without comparisons. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe K had a better basis for life when
seeing what she wants out of life and her attitude and compare
it to the fact that I felt it was all about survival, and
within this, to see this still exists in me. Within this, I
forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to
manipulate myself into believing that 'in my case' I was right
to believe this was fact, due to having accepted myself as
'blurriness' and feeling overwhelmed by what is 'out there'
and thus avoid facing myself in clarity and directing myself. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to exist as and within the idea 'life is about
survival' as a starting point, instead of feeling at ease with
me-as-Life and trusting myself within
and as self-direction.
I face myself. I trust myself. I direct myself. I am self-intimate
within and as clarity.
- I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe I was not as 'prepared for life' /
had some sort of deficiency. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that by
allowing 'blurriness' in and as me, I limited myself into
'deficiency'. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to be amazed at how K was steadily going about
considering points within this step due in her life. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to be absorbed in 'miserableness', instead of
allowing and accepting myself as self-enjoyment,
self-direction, self-intimacy and communication in clarity.
I allow myself to stop, I say stop, breathe, create that stability
point as a focal reference point within and as me.
I am stable. I am here. I allow myself here as and within
self-intimacy.
I allow to let myself flow out as communication, as sound from and
as this stability point that is me as breath.
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| Nov 15, '10 3:54 AM for barbara's network |
The last couple of days I finished the sra assignments and just have to
enter the results in a file as I did them on paper. Then I'll test
whether all results that I came up with are specific, accurate and
relevant.
Since I placed a major focus on getting this done, I gave that
so much 'space' that I didn't find 'room' within myself for writing.
Placing a reply on Ingrid's blog post showed me that the idea of
'finishing' something at last, or wanting to have something done first
before doing something else, is energy. So within this idea I am placing
myself into an energy bubble of 'finishing the assignments' as a task to
be done. This is, however, released when I clear my starting
point for sra.
The thing is that by giving energy into the idea of
'finishing this' I don't allow for other 'work' such as writing, because
this idea is here as 'taking so and so much time' making the other
self-support tools as 'not as important' for the time being and within
this I allow myself to feel a sort of contentedness with the consequent
thought of having 'achieved something' and 'that is enough for today'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the idea
of 'finishing something' above me-as-self-support.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create myself
within and as energy as the idea of something.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in
and as the feeling of 'contentedness' and 'having achieved something',
instead of seeing that I am avoiding self-direction and giving in to
complacency.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to avoid
self-direction by giving in to energy.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the
thought of 'that's enough for today' when I could easily have noted down the points that have come up during the day.
I stop giving ideas of 'reading a book first' or 'finishing assignments'
'energetic room' within and as me. I don't allow myself as and within
the energy of 'finishing something first' as an idea that 'consumes'
me-as-self-direction.
When a 'task' is at hand, I stop creating energy around it. I allow
myself as and within the assignment, the writing, the sharing, the
reading as and within the self-directed flow of self-expression.
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| Nov 15, '10 6:59 AM for barbara's network |
I asked for a word that reflected who-I-am atm and obtained the word
,wives' , which was interesting, because it came up as the plural form,
which, to me, means I'm not only looking at my role as a 'wife', but
comparing the 'role I have placed myself in', the ideas within my mind
of what my 'obligations' are toward my partner (since I have been
allowing myself in this situation of give-and-take) and commonly held
beliefs of obligations and also with my mom's role as a wife.
So talking with my mom recently, it became clear to me that she believed
'living her role as a wife', the way she thought she had to live it, was to
obtain her 'right to live' - meaning, to her, life as such was not an
inherent right, by which she was making the 'right of life' conditional.
She said that at the end of the day she recapitulated on her day
evaluating what she could have done better or differently to make my
dad's life more 'comfortable' or 'tolerable' since he is 82 and has a
walking impairment due to borreliosis after having been bitten by a
tick, and he often stagnates in his movements -- simply stops moving,
which makes everything he does take rather long, making him frustrated.
Also he needs help with getting dressed. So my mom tries to 'make it up
to him' and judges herself as to whether she has done enough, saying
'she owes so much to him'. She said that she gets a feeling of
contentedness and being satisfied with herself from it and that is the
most one could expect and get out of life. 'Living roles is normal',
'that's how it was then, you got married and each had their role'. And
'it's so much more complicated today'.
We continued to talk a bit about that and how she was submitting herself
to ideas of trying to compensate for something and making herself a
servant, suppressing her self-expression as such, but I could see that
this was how she had identified with the role. And when she said she felt
her conscience dictated it that way I let it be.
This conversation has continued to occupy my mind.
These roles are defined by many do's and don'ts which nobody really
squarely talks (-ed) about to clarify the starting point for the
partnership. Depending on the needs and desires of each partner, the
role is expected to change to meet the hopes, expectations, wishes,
inner pictures and ideas. If one of the partners changes, there is fear
-- will the partnership still give me everything I want?
The problem is that this fear is most often not expressed openly, it
takes part within and as the secret mind. It can be seen by remarks such
as 'you used to be different' with corresponding facial expressions
signaling agony and sadness. Or: 'if it weren't for xxx, we would still
be happy'.... Blame.
Then, if communication does take place there is hope to be understood,
to be given room for the change, that the partner will go along with it,
or there are quarrels, because the underlying fear of the 'not-changing'
partner is not addressed and so a lot goes on and is constructed within
the secret mind. Schemes are devised to get back what one thinks has
been lost or withdrawn and one has a right to, but which one of course
never had in Reality / for real.
To be cont.
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| Nov 22, '10 6:14 PM for barbara's network |
Started right with sf here in an effort to sort things out...trying to understand.
- I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself within and as the experience of a situation
wherein I feel confronted with having to explain and justify
why I support 'a cult' / why I am 'part of a cult'. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself within and as the situation of being called
'dumb' and names such as 'Massenmensch without personality'. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself within thinking of 'how to direct this point of
anger' that I was being confronted with, instead of directing
it as myself, and then again doubting this as I wasn't able to
see 'my anger' within it. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to not 'know' what the points brought up in the
'discussion' actually had to do with me, making me reside to
thoughts to find a way to 'get through to' my husband, instead
of being Here in self-direction. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to reside to thoughts to direct a situation
that presented itself within and as anger directed towards me. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to want to make myself clear and understood,
instead of standing as self-expression as and within clarity
from the start. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to think I cannot make myself understood,
because the premise of the 'History of Mankind' and the
consequent enslavement through consciousness systems that we
have allowed and accepted is not seen as valid by him. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to doubt my expressivity due to him not
accepting this as fact and for a moment believe it would be
harder to make our situation clear to him using examples of
the 'enslavement' we allow each and every second:
self-definitions, emotions, constructs… - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to analyze him as to
his submission to self-definitions to find a counter argument,
instead of stating experiences of my own only, to avoid
assumptions and possible projections. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to feel frustrated about his point being
'dis-assembling' /'attacking' Bernard
instead of objectively focusing on the current state of our
world (personal and overall) and what could be done with the
tools presented and a different starting point. I realize
frustration is mind and I stop. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to think of me as 'braving' a storm
(muscle-communicated). - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself within the polarity of 'brave' and 'cowardly'. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe such a 'storm' is
something that can 'happen' upon me without my participation
in some way.
Side note: 'to tint' came up on the question is there more to be seen? = A usually slight modifying quality or characteristic ->Modifying my stance to make it more
acceptable.
- I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to modify my 'stance' to make it more
'acceptable and understandable'. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to project onto him what I consider would be
understood and accepted. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to limit myself as and within self-expression
and make it conditional. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to submit myself to the idea of what will be
understood thus giving my power away and holding myself back
behind a pre-assessment of whether it is possible to get
through to someone. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe it is 'dangerous' to not be
understood, because then my actions would seem a threat that
has to be dealt with and it would mean I'm not directing the
point. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe I needed to be understood to be
comfortable within what I do. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to fear being judged due to a prior situation
of not being understood. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to judge someone, instead of realizing that I
have simply not understood the being. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to fear being judged, because I connect that to
a subconscious memory of not being accepted and loved by my
dad , being excluded and talked about behind my back. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to indirectly feel threatened by judgment. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to judge others when they seem not to
understand me. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to react to the idea of not being understood by
judgment. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to form an idea of whether I am understood or
not and base my communication on that. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to participate within judgment. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to base my action on ideas. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to make myself dependent on an idea of being
understood or not. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to hold myself back with respect to a point,
due to the idea of not being understood with respect to this
point. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to use not-being-understood and consequent fear
of judgment and the resulting fear of the feeling/experience
of exclusion as an excuse for not doing anything. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to give my power away to the person I want to
be understood by. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to feel supported within my beingness when I
think I am being understood. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe I within who-I-am could be actually
be supported by 'understanding'. My beingness is life and life
needn't be understood. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that by believing I need to be
understood I create situations wherein I 'have to justify
myself'. - I forgive myself that
I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I'm
angry at myself for submitting myself to 'being understood'
and the consequence of judgment which implied being 'excluded'
or 'included'. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that I judge myself as to whether I
am understood or not. Within this, I forgive myself that I've
accepted and allowed myself to project onto others whether
they have understood or not. Also, I forgive myself that I've
accepted and allowed myself to judge myself on having
understood or not and consequently allow myself to feel 'good'
or 'bad'. - I forgive myself that
I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that being
called dumb is what I think of myself when I don't understand
something at once. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe I needed to get through to him, in
order not to be judged and thus be accepted. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to fear the experience of resistance that I
allow mind to build up due to the idea of not being accepted. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to build up a resistance toward acting due to
having allowed an idea within me of not being accepted when
judged which I connect to not being understood. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to connect judgment and understanding. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to form ideas of being accepted or not. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to submit myself to acceptance.
I stop judgment of myself and others in connection with
understanding specifically and as such.
I stop fear of not being understood, fear of not understanding, fear
of being excluded and talked of behind my back. I see the anger that is
here from submitting myself to this construct. I understand that I cannot
induce understanding from the starting point of fear.
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| Nov 27, '10 5:24 PM for barbara's network |
Writing out some points w/r/t muscle communication as they come
to mind, together with mc feedback:
- Muscle response gets unclear when the result
can be 'controlled' / 'checked' - yes. - I believe I can't stand as 'absolute' in my
communication as me - yes. - Belief: 'My answer isn't as good as the
answer of others' - yes. - In former 'spiritual' days: nervousness with
people who I found to be 'more spiritually advanced' than me.
- no. - The nervousness was as if 'being tested' -
like an initiation ritual. - yes. - Thought: 'Can I measure up to them?' - yes
- Point of comparison valid in this
connection? - yes - Fear of not being good enough? - yes
- Deep survival issue involved here? - yes
- It is as if survival depended on being good
enough. - yes. - I'm playing a role to go conform with
respect to that point . - yes. - Mc is vague so it allows for interpretation
and can't be absolutely wrong and 'lead to death' - yes - Acknowledgement as 'one who belongs', 'as
equal'; memory of visiting my cousin and wanting to be
accepted plays into this - yes - Acknowledgement of superiority = excelling
at something, to belong to those who excel; valid? Relevant?
Yes to both. - Mc is vague so it allows for interpretation
and can't be absolutely wrong and lead to death. Valid but not
relevant. - Memory: 'you're nice so we like to have you
with us' - relevant here? Yes. - 'You are like us, you belong to us'
(memory), relevant? No. - Memory and hope, when with Dinah.: 'You are
special' (abilities) - valid? relevant?- yes to both. - Memory:' Don't know the 'rules'' (the
unwritten ones) = how to behave; with spirituality: 'what is
it I should be experiencing?', looking for structure, and
within this not giving myself the permission to be myself
unconditionally. Relevant. - yes. - I looked for stability in a self-definition.
Valid? Yes. Not relevant here. - Apparent within the charts, were exact
percentages were to be established, no room for interpretation
in the categorization into 'levels of self' - association with
'spirituality' due to sorting into 'levels of…' Valid?
Relevant? Yes to both. - Fear of being 'revealed',
of being noticed in a 'negative' way (making a faux pas), not
being authentic, unreal and fake (! - Lol ) - because I was
assuming a role. Valid? Relevant? Both yes. - Teenage years: trying to be 'authentic' ( - special) by identifying with certain traits or behaviorisms that I picked up from my cousin, certain specific words or expressions within which I felt comfortable and safe, because of the experience of them as 'ok', funny, fitting in certain
situations and so I gathered such 'mannerisms' - and when there was a 'new field', 'uncharted land' (-> charts !) I felt insecure -> reflected in mc results (areas where I have to 'chart' myself); this identification was based on the
idea that through these mannerisms I 'belonged', but I 'knew'
it wasn't me, so I felt insecure. Valid? Relevant? Yes to both. - Fear that others reading the charts get the
wrong impression of me when I place myself into the wrong
'level' due to a mistake in mc (thought pattern: what will the
others think?) and fear of judgment - fear of being seen as I
am - when receiving correct results. Valid? Relevant? Yes to
both. - More info tested out as 'inconvenience' as an emotion pertaining to
the priority point. - An inconvenience that mc is not always clear
or is there an inconvenience in the way of mc? - the latter
(definition: lack of suitability for personal ease or comfort) - Is this a mind issue, in that I 'need' the
mc to be working, for personal ease / to feel at ease? - because I need it to work, the need is what is in the way -> also, I have to 'function' for me to
be at ease? - yes, this can be concluded. - THE FACT THAT IT'S A 'NEED' THAT IT HAS TO
'WORK' IS AN INCONVENIENCE. Valid? yes. - Other inconveniences: of being
distracted, of (self-)doubt, of doubt that it's working
- yes. - Am I projecting something on mc? - yes, - A
belief? - yes. - Tested feeling: 'misfitting' (definition 2:
a misfit is a person poorly adapted to his environment) - Do I believe I'm poorly adapted to my
environment? - yes. - I don't want to let this belief go? - yes.
- The belief would be challenged by 100% valid
mc results? - yes. - I would have to change the belief of me? - yes
- How do I 'profit' from this belief of being
'misfitting'? Pro-fit <-->
mis-fit: I pro fit myself as a mis-fit. = I fit something/ do
something (facere) 'in place of', 'before', 'for' (pro) --- I
place the idea of misfitting before me-as-self-expression
as and within mc. Valid? Relevant? Yes to both. - Like an underachiever in society I
underachieve the 100% - feeling. Relevant? yes - What do 'misfits' do - (projected) they often hide; they don't
stand up and 'demand' equality because they 'know' they are not
adequate; they don't change; they are made to feel inequal and accept
themselves as that by way of accepting the definition of 'misfit' - What would happen if a 'misfit' all of a
sudden wasn't a 'misfit' any more? - He would have to take
himself seriously as a part of society and he would have to
take responsibility. - So the 'inconvenience' of believing I'm
'misfitting' is an excuse for not taking responsibility and is
accessed to render mc unclear, so I don't have to face me as
fully responsible = me fitting in <-> me misfitting .
Valid? Relevant? yes, to both. - Fear of consequence from having to face
results of mc, of having to face me fully, of realizing that
I'm not 'misfitting' at all, nothing special, average, and
thus fully responsible with no excuses and justifications,
simply Here, one and equal. Valid? Relevant? Yes to both. - Solution: To stand as what I perceive myself
not fitting into and change the direction of myself as 'it' -
not from the starting point of 'misfitting', as separation,
but one and equal as 'society', 'the others'. - I created myself as 'misfitting' within mc
as the 'inconvenience' by allowing
unclear responses as a point of protection and hiding from
seeing myself as equal to what is Here, as society and all and
everything that is me. Valid? Yes. - Allowing absolute reliable mc would in a way
mean absolute self-direction. - valid - This is accepted limitation as me as and
within the acceptance and allowance of self-direction ---
self-direction through facing me as equal and one with 'what I
don't fit into'- as - perception and belief, by defining
myself as 'misfitting' in the fore-field (the mis-fit as
pro-fit, i.e. I fit the idea of misfitting in as 'pro-fit'
before looking at what is Here (through mc) to pro-tect me
from having to change. (I have separated myself from it by an
identification/self-definition so I wouldn't be responsible).
Valid? yes - 'misfitting' - 'I am different'; 'I somehow
don't fit in', 'I have to watch what I say'; 'I have to watch
what I do' - In this I don't stand as me as equal to the
others, but feel 'less than', because I have to 'adapt to
survive' and I 'fear being overwhelmed' and as the starting
point of 'misfitting' I am inequal, the others are
equal/homogeneous. I alone would have to take on 'the
homogeneous bulk' that I see society/the others as, if I
wanted to 'make me fit in', so I hide 'that I don't fit in'
(which I create as a perception) and take part by playing a
role that I think is fitting, instead of standing as me Here.
Valid? Yes. - Standing Here doesn't need validation. I
don't need to 'take on this bulk of seemingly homogeneous
others' and argue and justify why I am as I am. - It's a perception of the mind of
'misfitting', as if a piece of the whole could exist
separately. A 'piece of the whole' is of the whole and thus is
an integral part. I created the idea to remain in a
comfort-zone to protect myself from information that I placed
as separate and possibly overwhelming, so I don't have to see
me as equal to the information. => 'MISFITTING' IS A WAY OF
PROTECTING ME FROM THE INFORMATION ACCESSED BY 'MC' BY PLACING
ME AS SEPARATE. Valid? Yes. - Fear of not being able to integrate all the
information as me one and equal so I allow unclarity within
mc. Valid? Yes.
Now that it has become a lot clearer what is going on when and why mc
gets unclear, I can go into the sf part of changing me within these points.
