Sitting on the couch in the morning with a cup of tea in my hands mentally going through the things that needed to be done today a thought rushed through my head seemingly from nowhere - 'he doesn't know me at all' - nothing more. Strange...
I considered this: What I was alluding to was, he doesn't know my innermost thoughts, how I 'work' -
Then it dawned on me - I had identified myself with my secret mind! -- Of course I've read about it and seen videos and so on, but suddenly here it was: This realization-as-me, 'deep inside', that what I have identified myself with is the secret mind! That my so-called 'innermost thoughts' = 'who I am'/how I 'work' is secret mind! How long this has taken me (!) because the information has been here for quite a while.
When reading about 'secret mind', of course, I 'understood' what it is, what it entails etc. - I literally thought I did - but somehow I didn't let it 'get to me'
So inspite of thinking I had understood this it hadn't sunk in, I hadn't actually grasped it as-me, for self. So 'he doesn't know me' means he doesn't know what the innermost thoughts are that I have which make me do things, which make me 'work', which are the basis of my actions.
And this basis is not real. It is not of substance. It is constructed of pre-conceptions, concepts, vague and strong feelings and emotions, pictures, ideas, memories, words.
The funny thing about the thought 'he doesn't know me at all' is that I've projected this circumstance/fact onto him in one moment, sitting there on the couch. Actually it means to say that I don't know myself at all.
With the sra/desteni-I-process course and the mind constructs I'm writing out I'm getting the full-blown impact of how volatile this whole 'identity thing' actually is. How flimsy and insubstantial the basis of 'who-I-am' is, hm ... actually 'basis' - what basis?? - what I am basing my 'identity' on only constitutes itself of thousands of lines of information placed together very associatively, randomly.
Of course it seems totally logical for me when my day unfolds based on 'who-I-am' - to me every step, every thought, every feeling and emotion makes sense, because it's me and I've identified with it. But it's not real! Just a bunch of information which I react upon.
I don't accept myself to be 'just information' which I react on, which I base myself on. Every line of information that I bring here to look at, to forgive myself for having identified myself with, and to stop myself as it, brings me closer to being here as the 'real' me as Life, as breath, in every moment.
I will continue to write out the constructs that I've allowed and accepted myself as and within to see what and who i really am 'behind' all this.
So, step by step, breath by breath, I shall walk through the mind-layers that I have allowed to rule me - me, who 'he doesn't know at all' - lol - and I don't know at all, because I haven't actually lived myself yet.
