composure is self-suppression

I found myself reacting to the reaction of someone close to me when I told her that self-forgiveness is the only option for people considering suicide - a topic that had come up. We were walking down the market place in the sunshine enjoying the stroll and the nice air and I had presumed she would be able to let this stand simply as a statement of myself if not even consider this as possible from the basis of a somewhat 'neutral stance'. It turned out that I am now sitting here after the trip and sorting out the emotional reactions within and as me here:

• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect neutrality of others as the basis of communication when I talk of self-forgiveness.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the reactions of another when the expected basis of neutrality is not there.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect myself from the reactions of others when I am within and as disappointment of the non-existing neutral basis of communication, by holding myself back with communication or avoiding the person.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take a reaction to what I say personally.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel wronged and not-accepted when someone reacts to what I say, instead of realizing that I reacted by thinking that the person 'has a point with this' / 'is just reacting to this' as a method of keeping myself within and as 'composure'.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I didn't participate within the reaction of another by maintaining 'composure', instead of realizing that this actually is a form of self-suppression.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I don't react to a point when I maintain my 'inner composure', instead of seeing that I am suppressing my reaction as and within myself as the disappointment/disillusionment of the idea that there is or should be a neutral basis for communicating.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe if there is affection there must be the goodwill to at least be open or neutral toward what I communicate.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as and within self-expression by placing the idea of affection and thus goodwill of and as 'a neutral stance' within communication above me and react as and within disappointment masked as self-suppressing composure, followed by 'holding myself back' within and as communication and then avoiding the person.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as the trigger point of the pattern as and within me of protecting myself from the disappointment of my idea of neutrality as goodwill based on affection by thinking the other has a 'point'/a reaction toward this, instead of facing my own reaction and stopping me within and it.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe there is nothing I can talk about if there are reactions of the person to 'almost everything' I say, instead of seeing my starting point within and as the idea that no one is allowed to react, having placed this as a pre-requisite for me within and as communication and then reacting to the person's 'non-compliance' to this idea.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'be upset' by the person reacting and 'making the emotions and the outcome her fault' within my back-chat.
  

I do not allow and accept myself as and within the idea that a person who I feel affection for should show the 'goodwill of neutrality' when I share something, thus not-react. I see that 'my disappointment' is an outflow of having taken this idea as my starting point of communication and self-expression.

Whenever I communicate I check my starting point of 'unconditionality'. I do not expect 'goodwill' in form of neutrality and openness.

When and as I react to what is being answered by back-chatting that the person is reacting because he/she has an issue with the point I expressed, I stop. I breathe. I realize that I am manipulating myself into a mind state of composure and thus suppressing myself. I do not accept and allow myself as this self-suppression.

I allow myself to be self-directive within and as self-communication by placing my starting point here as and within breath as unconditionality and 'neutrality', instead of giving my power away to the idea that this 'should be there in the other' and then reacting when I see it is not.