| Aug 1, '10 10:50 AM for everyone |
The sra course is really opening up one point after the other. We're charting events and patterns on a daily basis and since I visited my parents yesterday, there was only sufficient time to jot down the event/pattern on a chart template, taking one event, realization, observation after the other. Now I'm faced with the fact that there are sooo many points I have to go into some more detail with, in order to at least complete the charts. And I know this is only the beginning. - The charting process.
The first week of this has been slow and with lots of self-doubt with respect to muscle communication and resistance against 'just letting go' and breathing - and lots of judgment. Now I fill in the communicated answers without thinking about them and I only have a look at the chart when everything is placed. Still it takes up rather a lot of time because I have to be Here as and within the pattern/event - of course - to come up with possible points that can be tested out. So it's not just a purely mechanical process in which to simply tick off points in a list.
In doing the charts I sometimes wished for something that I could do 'automatically' that didn't require 'going into', something that would just present me with the solution. Lol - wishing for the easy way out. So, again, a sort of resistance against being Here as breath and letting go of the results. Just walking the process as me within and as breath. It's actually simple, if I allow it.
So the first week I was allowing judgments to bug me w/r/t the validity of the results, then the second week it just the results I wanted, instead of experiencing me from the starting point of me Here and doing this.
I allow and accept myself Here as and within the experience of me in and as every breath.
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/7/charting_process>
| Aug 8, '10 2:59 AM for everyone |
'Oxidant' has come up again as a dictionary word relevant for a situation I was in and as it denotes a substance that takes up electrons and these are negatively charged, I realized that this is what I have been trying to do within a 'resonant pattern': Take up what I determined as 'negative' in the behaviour of others in the family and make it 'positive' by reacting! I allowed myself to change 'me' because I thought I couldn't stand 'the situation as me'. I placed myself as an 'oxidant' bringing in 'positivity' and air to breathe/oxygen. The word 'indirect lighting' (=lighting diffusely reflected by a source) in this connection made me realize that the situation reflects my allowed and accepted polarity of positive/negative in that I want the 'positive' as an experience of me, instead of 'just' the 'unpolarized', unjudged experience. I allow myself to be a 'catalyst' that induces reactions but doesn't change - it remains stable. This is a very prominent point for me, because I've been avoiding provocation all my life. I attached 'being myself' to being provocative. I allowed provocation in a way to get energy, to give myself some sort of validity, but I never allowed this within really allowing & accepting myself as stable, as who-I-am. I created myself as 'a point of resistance' to 'negativity' as my primarily accessed behaviour pattern.
I just wanted to write this down to have it Here to further investigate and do sf on.
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/8/oxidant_and_indirect_lighting>
| Aug 8, '10 7:47 AM for everyone |
In the text on the beginning phases of the Portal Bernard writes to the effect that he could not get through to Emoto 'as the person' but only to the 'Structural Resonance part' of him, being the real part of Emoto. This statement really opened my eyes to the importance of aligning myself with my structural-resonance. In the beginning I thought: ok, I realize this pattern within and as me, I do sf and stop and considered it as a re-alignment, like straightening me out in a way. But this statement showed me that by walking me as this self-corrective application equally to myself I could make myself accessible to others, so as to be really reached. By doing so I could take myself out of this isolation I placed myself into that the mind bubbles present. In that I am able to actually communicate and be heard and hear, to have an effect and to share myself for real. Actually this is obvious, because within thinking and the emotions and feelings of mind you will not be heard nor reached. This has been reflected back at me so many times.
So when participating within and as mind I am like a murmuring and mumbling unaccountable old woman without anything to say not taking myself seriously enough to speak loud and clear to be heard. Time to step out and be real.
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/9/stepping_out_of_the_bubbles>
| Aug 15, '10 3:11 AM for everyone |
Every time I'm in the mind, within and as thoughts, I'm not completely in the physical, Here. Though I realize this on some level, I find myself constantly thinking about process. How to do it, what I shouldn't do, what to stop, feeling bad, because I am not stopping and allowing myself in and as breath. I keep on checking in the mirror because my skin has produced big bumps filled with clear liquid. They are coming up in 'lines'/strains and I can't leave them alone. I was considering going to the doctor and having my blood checked. On the other hand, muscle communication revealed that it is a phenomenon based on hormonal fluctuations, which I also see in inregularities in my periods. I need to do a session on this, but have allowed excuses not to do so.
There has been a lot of movement around me. My son is back home and about to start a program that provides him with material and tests so he can do his graduation in 2-3 years (Bacca Laureate/Abitur). He says he's an autodidact and can do it on his own at home. And my middle daughter has summer vacation and in and out a lot. Friends are coming and going and I found it hard to structure myself and actually stick to a to-do list. Breath has been a support when things have been emotional around me, but I drift off into thoughts so much that I've built up a resistance against all of process in a way that I think I won't manage and follow through.
Well, I've resolved to write more and start with that. I have to re-establish sf in every moment. I had stopped and told myself I didn't know where to begin coz everything is so vast and every point in my life would require sitting down for hours to write about first and clarify.
So I've allowed myself in this big mind mess and am trying to break free again.
I started a muscle communication session yesterday and after finding a priority point to work with, a big unconscious resistance in form of a headache came up which I removed temporarily with breathing and movement (which I had tested out). This allowed me to continue. I got to the point of "Who am I within this?" alluding to an event I had chosen. And then I couldn't find any options to test out further. I shall continue today.
I guess it's about seeing that there are no options, just breathing and movement in common sense.
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/10/no_options>
| Aug 27, '10 3:40 AM for everyone |
I did a session some months ago on the priority point of 'self-image: being a woman only in relationship with a man' which the Resonances had pointed out to me w/r/t anger and partnership and how I have defined myself as a woman. Words that came up were: 'fear of being assertive', the idea of myself of having the ability to make something out of almost everything like a 'Trümmerfrau' which was based on me being in a 'degraded, discouraged, dejected state'. So when I allow myself within the feeling of 'degraded, discouraged, dejected' I access the 'mode' of 'Trümmerfrau'.
This means that I feel I have to use what is here, things that have been discarded, with the urge of 'picking up pieces' and making something relevant out of them/with them, re-assembling, re-organizing, using things up. In this state there is the basic feeling of 'impoverishedness'.
I seem to need these discarded pieces/wreckages as a basis, a foundation, because I don't know how else to 'create' anything new or how to 'create' something of myself without them when in that feeling-state - thus the self-definition of being a 'woman' (not simply a 'being') plus 'only in relationship with a man', which has it's roots in that feeling.
So, after that session, Bella suggested having a look at the polarity of the word and I took a look at one polar aspect: 'producing rubble/wreckage' (as opposed to 'using').
The association came up of wanting to 'wreck' (zertrümmern) the judgment criteria being harbored by my husband of 'being a rational thinker'/'having the ability to think rationally', 'being intelligent' which had also been 'placed onto' me by my father, because that was what he valued.Those criteria had also played a role when I first met my husband.
I used to get acknowledgment to a certain degree when 'fulfilling' these criteria that were associated with 'science', but after some years I desired to make my partner see how limiting the scientific criteria were in seeing the whole 'picture'. I wanted him to discard his way of thinking to be able to take on a 'more embracing' worldview.
Actually I had wanted him and my dad to see me. Not as someone who fulfills certain criteria, but as a being. I wasn't able to see that then. So I started fighting against his 'logic' by trying to make him see that he wasn't seeing/considering everything and within that I was presenting my world-view and way of 'unlimited' (lololl!) thinking (!) as 'better'.
I was seeking validation for myself-within-my-self-definition! The muscle confirmed this.
I asked if the point 'disassembling concepts in others to get validation in and as my self-definition' could be placed as the core issue for this session. It could.
I asked whether there were any relevant emotional factors. The word 'irritable' came up.
Does that mean the emotion 'irritability' binds me to the core issue of 'disassembling concepts in others to get validation in and as my self-definition'? - yes; Is this the core emotion? - yes
I asked for the situations and circumstances in which I apply 'irritability' pertaining to the core issue. Are specific people relevant? - yes
After having a look at what people had come up and seeing what they have in common, I was able to conclude that I believed that each wasn't seeing the whole 'picture', the actual point or root of the discussed problem.
So the entry point to the 'Trümmerfrau' 'mode' as polarity is my belief/idea that the other isn't seeing the whole picture. Then I access my self-definition of 'able to see the bigger picture, the actual root of the matter', I 'wreck'/disassemble their concepts, pick up the pieces and make something 'of value' and become irritable when it is not accepted/seen (I am not seen) and I take it personally. There is also some irritability when the thought comes up that a person is not seeing the whole story.
This is the 'upswing' end of the polarity where the emotion is not 'dejected, degraded or discouraged', so not from the 'impoverished' end, but the 'giver' of 'insight' end and actually wanting validation.
I then asked for the core thought, another feeling or emotion, memory, reason - and core thought and memory tested out.
In short: the core thought was that the other should see all relevant points
Memory that later tested out as relevant:
When I was about 8 my dad and I were building a transparent picture in a wooden frame with a small light bulb behind it. I wanted to take one single sheet of colored transparent paper as a backdrop for the image in the foreground making the figure's clothing appear in only one color and also the lantern it was holding and the background. So I didn't want to 'work so hard' with this. My dad said it was supposed to be done with many sheets cut into sections, each picture component extra. I wanted to convince him that my solution was valid too. I don't remember if I actually said anything, however, I remember him pointing at the instructions. I finally gave in 'because he seemed to know how it's done'.
Some days later there was a situation when he was angry at me when I was in my room and I stuck out my tongue at him and later punched (wrecked) the picture we had made with my finger (actually, he had done most of the picture himself).
So:
- when I encounter anger I want to 'wreck' something, because I feel something is 'wrecked' in me
- when I feel something is 'wrecked' in me I get angry,
- when the 'wreckage' in me (through degradation) is so immense I feel impoverished and can only resort to re-assembling the (wreckage) parts someone else has discarded, because I don't trust my own 'wreckage' or don't want to face me within it
- when I see someone else is 'wrecked' I want to make it up to them (then I analyze = tear apart, tear down and bring 'all-embracing' synthesis) - this is from another session with the priority point of 'making it up to women' due to having seen how my dad behaved towards my mom
are the above statements valid? - yes
I'm repeating the pattern set in the memory. I take on the role of my dad who 'wrecked' my idea of constructing the picture and I 'wreck' others' ideas and constructs and build them according to my belief of how it is to be done.
I project onto others that they see the situation one-sided as I had done.
I present 'my picture' as the 'better' one as dad had done.
I project onto others that they don't want to work at seeing all the facets of the picture.
I get irritable when they don't accept my picture because dad didn't accept mine either. (Also I don't feel valued, seen, but somehow suppressed).
I 'wreck' to feel 'rehabilitated' within that memory as a pattern.
To resolve the situation of the 'other seeing something in a too simple non-faceted way' I bring in the conclusion in a way that wraps everything up and place it onto one simple common denominator.
test: are all 7 statements above valid? - yes
Clandestinely a conclusion slipped into my mind that men (represented through my dad) know about the 'greater picture', how it is constructed/designed/set up (he read the instructions) and I didn't. This ties in with the core point of 'being a woman in relationship to a man only'.
It was very interesting for me to see how all of this ties in and is revealed part for part in one session after the other.
Now it will be a 'challenge' to do SF on this pattern...
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/journal/item/11/11>
