| Oct 1, '10 9:40 AM for everyone |
As a teenager I lived without thinking of the future. I went to school day after day without consideration of what will be when school education is over. It was just something I did, everybody my age went to school or trained for something. It had never occurred to me in clear terms that when I'm done I have to move out and eventually become financially self-sufficient. It had remained a vague and foggy concept that, of course, after 'Abitur' I'll move out and study something. Then one day the realization struck me like a shock: Where I live is not-mine, the whole foundation I've taken as a given was not going to be 'with me' when I leave. All I can count on is what I know, what I can do. And this I will need to make money with, to survive. And I hadn't been very effective with 'accumulating' knowledge.
So this shocking realization was like having been torn out of dream-world, pretty much disrupting my 'state of being'.
I remember feeling frantic in a way. Also I remember having envied my Mom when she just had to wipe the kitchen floor, whereas I had to go upstairs and fight with understanding the assignments and subject matter and not knowing where to start and generally find some orientation in it all, because I never paid attention at school. I seem to have taken in the role-model from my Mom and probably had considered that to be a 'solution' to a life-long struggle with working out solutions and facing life and survival issues. I saw her in a 'safe position'.
The shock of the realization had 'ingrained' into me as the disruption of a more or less 'safe-haven feeling state'.
This whole issue came up when I was working on a point of feeling disrupted by my husband entering the room yesterday. I had already taken up this point in the work we did on timelines in sra. This work was extensive and among other things allowed me to identify another jack-in-the-box moment (with Bella's help) wherein I experienced my husband's footfall in the corridor as disruptive to my 'being busy with me'/writing out what is here. Before feeling disrupted I had been 'in a state of comfort', similar to still living at home and not being concerned with 'survival' and other projections into the future.
So the point of 'using a relationship' as a setting for taking on and living a role to have 'security' and a sense of 'safety' was revealed and within this the recurring pattern of disruption (one - living at home and shock, two - 'false security'-setting and partner seen as disruptive, three - reading and writing, and partner abruptly and loudly enters, four - writing and hearing footfall in corridor, five - another memory I obviously access: mom and my brother and me are alone at home, dad is working in Italy for a while -- our routine and the whole atmosphere is totally relaxed with him out of the house).
Another point that is connected with this, in a way, is a tendency to apply control within and as how I share and generally communicate, because there is fear of being inter-rupt-ed, and being confronted with emotional reactions. With some people, I allow myself to share and express myself freely and, with my partner present, there is this fear of disruption (projected onto him, re-created from past experiences). This experience of disruption is like something is being totally destroyed in me in that moment.
This makes me hold on to 'logic' and 'analytical thinking', as something I considered stable and acceptable to my father/husband, instead of free expression in the moment as me.
I sometimes still find myself 'boxed in' within and as a distant, almost autistic state, where I seem to be frozen, void of emotion/feeling - but not-Here, lol - trying to stick to 'safe' topics/comments, unable to actually communicate, similar to the state of having experienced 'disruption'. I remember me having remained in this stasis for quite some time already in my early teens, and what had opened the 'box' a bit was a regular correspondence with my cousin, by way of weekly letters.
It's like I've stopped being me-unconditionally due to allowing a disruption, I've allowed a disruption in me entailing seeking (false, external) security and a 'halted'/controlled expression. Outflow of this is also a routine of making tea (I meanwhile drink over 2l of green tea daily!), which was initiated during my visits to my cousin who 'gave' me a feeling of 'being understood' and 'allowed-to-communicate-freely'. It's obviously like an external point of reference for stabilzing myself/to find a point of stability.
that's all for the moment....
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| Oct 6, '10 2:54 PM for everyone |
There is this 13-year-old boy I go to twice a week to help him with English and sometimes with German. He's got pretty good 'emotional intelligence' and I believe him when he tells me that he's good at intervening in quarrels and fights at school.
Now what's actually totally frustrating for me is that I am constantly explaining and repeating the 'ins and outs' of the tenses, for example, when to use which and how each is formed. He is continuously forgetting either the helping verb or the 'ing' or that 'you' has the plural form of 'to be' and stuff like that. Basics. And he's in his 3rd English year.
He's not in a special needs class or anything like that, just in what we call 'Hauptschule' which goes to 9th grade only. He was labeled with ADHD and is on medication. Still, learning progress is so 'non-existant'!
I try to get him to make his own example sentences about things that are interesting to him, we do that over and over and nothing much seems to stay with him, he's just not storing the information in a way that he is able to apply it. He's doing ok in Maths and Music etc, though. I've tried to go about it creatively, with music he likes, we even went on a walk with an MP3 player to record some sentences so he could listen to himself later on for practice, but on the whole there hasn't been much improvement.
I explained to him in simple words to place himself as one and equal to the information, to not feel 'less than it'. But that doesn't seem to be the issue.
It seems like the chemical 'action potential' of the nerves is not being reached for the synapses to respond/to connect.
So at the moment I'm at a loss with how to proceed. Repeating on end is rather annoying for both of us.
I guess there is also dylexia at play here, but that's just a word and not helpful.
I have even asked him what he suggests doing and he said he'll just have to practice - lol.
Well, he doesn't, at least not on his own.
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| Oct 6, '10 5:44 PM for everyone |
My husband came home after having had some beers (too many) and raised his voice against me saying I should ask desteni whether they would pay for the expenses for an international patent for a xxx (I guess I'm not allowed to say) that would save as much thermal energy as the nuclear power plant Gundremmingen produces, or the likes.
The topic is known to me. A friend of ours invented this improved version of xxx and is running out of money. So the reason he is pissed is that our friend would need the money and I speak of equal money and he doesn't see (want to see) how this could work, and doesn't even listen and is trying to make me responsible for the situation.
I had no reactions cause this was not my 'topic'/ not a point with me, I looked at him, breathed, leaned back. He posed some questions to me and at first I answered, but I noticed he wasn't really interested in what I was saying. Besides he was very emotional. So I was quiet. He has left for downstairs.
Oh, I did get up after some minutes to get a refill of tea and he followed me and I told him calmly to leave me alone/to let me be.
Hm. He's still in the basement. I'm going to bed, it's almost 12.30 am. I'll see if more comes up tomorrow on possible thoughts on my side that might have provoked this. But I 'feel' clear.
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| Oct 7, '10 4:00 PM for everyone |
Hearing the 'footfall' of my husband in the corridor caused an energy movement in me, again. So I investigated this once more.
I decided to do a session on the origin point of this energetic loop. I asked whether there is a conscious/subconscious or unconscious memory event to uncover here that is triggering this in me. I tested out that I was 5 at the time, with my dad and brother, travelling in a car, something red was there and I was sitting, there was yelling and I had the sensation of something moist.
A memory flashed up that seemed to be associated with this: I heard my dad yelling in the living room, suddenly, loudly standing up from a football/soccer (lol: footfall - football) match on TV, upset that his favourite team had lost or missed to hold the ball. With this flash I also remembered the family being cautious around him, because this always made him 'loaded, ready to lash out' and in later years my brother used to joke: well FC Bayern won we can risk comng home!
The next half hour or so we avoided drawing his attention onto us in any way. I tested if this was related to the memory points I had obtained in the beginning. - Yes. Was he hearing a radio transmission of a match? - Yes. As emotion that was fuelling the reactions in me I got: 'invalidating'. I asked whether he had felt disturbed by something I did or said in the car or by the broadcast. Yelling and feeling disturbed were due to the broadcast. I felt it was 'invalidating' of me (checked - yes). So I had taken it personally.
There is more to be seen though, connected to 'fault finding'. (checked as relevant). Did he 'look for faults' in something/someone to release his discontent/disappointment? - Yes. Do I try to find fault in something external when I am discontent with me? - Yes.More information showed itself as 'virulent=full of malice', which I somewhat recognize. When 'attacks' accummulate from a person, at a point, I allow my thoughts to be 'full of malice'. They are virulent to my body. Valid?-Yes. Are they 'virulent' to the time loop - yes. They fuel it.
'Virulent' came up as a feeling and 'invalidating' as an emotion - both are present as the feelling/emotion state that fuel the jack-in-the-box event.
I also have to look at the polarity to the emotion of 'invalidating' as something done to me = I want to invalidate = fault finding
(follow-up to come)
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| Oct 11, '10 12:34 AM for everyone |
Writing on 'unconscious resistance'
A resistance came up when looking into the sra lessons exercises that are due in a couple of weeks.I started with the usual upload, then used the indicator/change, told the muscle to state the 'permission' that is to be 'disengaged' and there was no 'change'. I tested again, took care that I was breathing and stated I accept only clear answers. Still no 'change'.
Then I tested for resistances, it was unconscious, and writing tested out as a correction, which I'm doing here.
I had some anticipation before testing, because I know that the muscle has to 'change' on one of the seven permissions and, if it doesn't, I don't really know what to do. (So now I'm having to show myself - lol) - Since the lessons with the 'Charts' I've allowed doubt with respect to my muscle testing results.
Considering this, I noticed that I allow myself to doubt my results when I tie the idea of 'ability' to them. I do this when it 'can be proven' or it can become obvious that the results are not valid, I equate this with 'I am wrong' - 'I am unable'. So I allow the fear of 'not being able', when the results can be proven possible or wrong, or need to be specific, because I believe when the muscle doesn't switch to a 'change', I'm not doing it right'.
Before the 'Charts' lessons, I took what was Here as the result / as the word that tested out and looked at the associations that came up towards it. So I had some leeway, if the word that came forth was 'a bit off', I would ask for more information. It didn't have to be 100% specific or relevant, However, even then, when I 'asked for' relevance or specificity, I remember having allowed some fear toward 'what to do', insecurity, fear of feeling 'disoriented' (not knowing where to start to make it more specific or waht questions to ask) in case this would test out as a point to look into.
Then working with the Charts, testing out the percentage of the participation of a level-of-self in a pattern presented me with this issue again. I considered the percentage of particaption in a level-of-self that I tested out to be the reflection of the degree of self-dishonesty I allow, so I needed to be specific. I placed myself under pressure, because I didn't want to 'present a wrong picture'. Also I wanted a 'true'/'sound' database/account of my permissions to not get-into-a-mess-up, to avoid getting confused / to not-get-disoriented when further working on the points.
As I write this, I notice that I fear having the wrong 'starting point' w/r/t the information I use and then 'get lost' and find no orientation towards where I 'went wrong'. Obviously this is a point with lots of ramifications. (The wrong starting point is the fact of using information per se and placing myself as external trying to orient myself within it, instead of applying the starting point of 'Here as and within breath' and trusting myself as I go.)
What also kicks in here is a memory-feeling of panicking and being ovrwhelmed within looking for and trying to remember where I had put an important official paper/form. (I'm flagging this point, there seems to be more: official papers - survival in this world of forms, formality, rules, not knowing how and where to get the necessary information from - pre-internet era - I've touched on this before.)
So I only allow Self-trust when I do not fear that I cannot tackle the task, saying I define Self-trust with 'I know what to do', instead of 'I am Here and self-direct in breath'.
I realize that 'knowing what to do' is coming from the mind.
Is the writing sufficient for this point of resistance? - yes
sf on next post
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| Oct 11, '10 1:51 AM for everyone |
1. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to equate Self-trust with 'knowing what to do'.
2. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the idea of 'knowing what to do' and the polarity 'not knowing what to do' above me and the corresponding feeling of in/competence and in/ability above me.
3. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the idea of 'knowing what to do' above Self-direction within and as breath.
4. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feeling state of disorientation due to not-having clear information and then thinking 'I don't know what to do' and feel overwhelmed, instead of allowing myself Here as breath.
5. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define information as clear or not-clear and subjecting myself to this mind assessment of information.
6. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within a feeling state of despair and self-doubt when not receiving 'clear' feedback within muscle communication.
7. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as and within mind when testing information of which I believe it to be 'more important' to receive 100% specificity, because, if wrong, I will have to start over and will feel 'not-able'.
8. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel 'not-able'.
9. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe this feeling of 'not-able' is real.
10. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'able' or 'not-able'.
11. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect 'able' with 'knowing what to do' and place that above me.
12 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place informattion above me thus allowing separation, trapping me within ideas of 'clear'/'unclear', 'able'/'not-able', 'oriented'/'disoriented', specific/unspecific, provable/not-provable.
13. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as and within self-doubt.
14. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate the perceived 'quality of information' received by me with 'ability'.
15. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a 'doing something right or wrong' - that is coming from the mind. There is only acting according to Principle within Equality and Oneness.
16. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the fact that something I do can be checked/controlled above me.
17. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power and authority away to an idea of external control and 'ability to be checked' placing myself under pressure to succeed in getting the results 'right', so I will feel assured that, ultimately, I can survive, stating thus I don't have to re-orientate myself and thus I don't have to fear the feeling of despair within dis-orientation / not-finding what is deemed 'necessary'.
18. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to find 'what is necessary'.
19. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in despair when the thought of 'having to find something' and 'not knowing how' or the vagueness of re-orientation' comes up.
20. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place myself under the perceived 'need to be specific', instead of simply trusting myself Here.
21. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself from the starting point of right/wrong, clear/unclear information, instead of placing myself Here first, as and within breath, not allowing judgments within polarity.
22. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'presenting a wrong picture', instead of simply allowing me Here within and as Self-trust.
23. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make insights dependent on information and it's correctness.
24. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when looking for something and not being able to place the whereabouts of it in my mind.
25. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access a memory point within my mind when looking for something and not being able to pinpoint the location in my mind or knowing how to proceed.
26. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want the reassuring feeling of holding a manual or check-list in hand that can present me with a red-thread of how to proceed.
27. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'failure' and believing there is 'failure' instead of seeing it as 'of the mind', a mind concept.
Am I missing something? - yes. Sf to be expounded on? - no. State supportive information in emotions list, feelings list - change: 'at ease'
Of course! I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be at ease with myself, within myself and as myself, as and within Life.
1. I allow myself as and within breath, Here. Self-trust Here as and within breath.
2. I trust myself as what is Here in every moment.
3. When I see there is no definite 'lock or unlock', 'indicator or change', I realize that I am touching on the point of fear of not being able to tackle a task / that I believe I need reassurance of knowing what to do in case something turns out not to be clear = that I am in fear of becoming 'dis-oriented' / that I enter the feeling stage of not-finding 'vital' forms to 'survive' in this system. Then I breathe, realize this is not real, place my starting point Here-as-me in and as stability of breath and direct myself through the resistance. I am Self-trust in actuality.
4. I stop judging myself as able/unable.
5. I stop submitting myself to the idea of ability.
6. I stop the feeling/thought of 'I can do this' as pre-condition of self-direction.
7. I stop dis-orientation as the mind's inability to adjust to 'not-knowing the way', I trust breath as me in every moment and see what is Here and take it from Here.
8. I stop building 'self-trust' in and as the idea/belief 'I know what to do' because I realize that I would be allowing myself as the polarity 'I don't know what to do' and thus dis-orientation.
9. I stop allowing 'dis-orientation' to direct me and 'overwhelm' me.
10. I stop taking 'results' personally attaching value to them and believing they project a positive or negative light on me of being able or not.
11. I stop believing when a result I get is valid and specific I am right/valid and able and I know what to do and thus can avoid dis-orientation and can 'survive'.
12. I trust myself as substance and as communication with substance via the muscle.
13. I am at ease with myself, as and within myself.
Is that sufficient? - yes
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| Oct 12, '10 1:23 PM for everyone |
1. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take someone's reaction to something personally and feel invalidated by it/them, due to the circumstance that it was directed at me at the moment.
2. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to someone yelling and take it personally by considering if this was in any way caused by me.
3. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I could cause something in someone without him allowing and accepting it.
4. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I could be 'invalidated' by someone, as 'value' equals Life and I am Life.
5. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I allow invalidating thoughts towards my husband and thus towards me-as-him. I stop all thoughts of invalidation towards him and myself.
6. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear invalidation.
7. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that 'fear of invalidation' is the ego's fear of not being acknowledged.
8. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that validation of oneself can be given or taken. I can only 'validate' myself as and within the Breath, as Life, Here.
9. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'at fault' for something, which would mean I accept 'blame' and thus 'shame' for what-I-did, hereby allowing the concept of being separate of what-I-do and that only someone outside of me, that I've placed above me, is to bear the consequences and I have to bear the shame for this. I realize that what-I-do I do unto myself. I accept and allow myself in and as Self-responsibility Here, one and equal.
10. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in 'blame' and 'shame' which can only exist when one is not Self-responsible.
11. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel 'a-shamed' of myself for not living up to the standards that I have placed myself under and to blame the circumstances for it / find fault in someone's behaviour that 'makes it difficult' for me.
12. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to invalidate someone to not have to stand as my Self here in and as communication.
13. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling state of being invalidated due to the other not communicating without participating in emotions - lol.
14. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to find fault in the other by blaming him that he can't communicate without participating in emotions.
15. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to invalidate the other in my mind by blaming him for participating within emotions when communicating.
16. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I participate in emotions when I communicate and am thus invalidating myself as Life, due to placing emotions above me.
17. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel attacked by yelling and 'fill myself with malice against the person'.
18. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of malice. Within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I turn malice into self-loathing and self-hatred.
19. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to loathe and hate myself.
20. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I could push someone away and protect myself by allowing thoughts of malice against him.
21. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I allow the accummulation of energy within myself by judging and blaming the other, finding fault in a perceived inability to communicate without emotions - a vicious circle,
I stop thoughts of malice. I stop blaming the other for communication within emotions as I realize that this fuels energetic loops within and as me. I allow myself to communicate within breath. I see that participation in 'malice' 'invalidates' me-as-life like a virus (virulent = full of malice) invalidates the dna.
22. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that 'feeling invalidated' fuels emotional abuse as me and towards me.
23. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the pattern of taking yelling and emotional communication personally by feeling invalidated and react by participating in 'thoughts of malice' that results in emotional abuse toward me and the other.
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| Oct 17, '10 6:29 PM for barbara's network |
The point of 'being at ease' within and as me
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to 'be at ease' with me since the age of 6. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that I have been trying to 'be
different' since the age of 6. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself Here as me as Life, as Breath, unconditionally. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to feel comfortable as I am here. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to stand one and equal to what was Here as my
parents, school, expectations. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that I was trying to be different
from who-I-really-actually-am. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to separate myself from me-Here into a
projected thought construct of what is expected of me and
trying to change myself to 'be ok' / acceptable. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that I believed I was a mis-fit and
thus tried to be different and within this allowed and
accepted to be not-at-ease within and as myself. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to be Here as Self-Trust and thus be at ease
with me. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to see that I trusted my parents more than me
and so allowed myself to separate myself from me into a mind
projection of 'having to be different' and continuously
gauging what aspects to consider. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to realize that I placed my parents above me,
instead of standing one and equal to/with them, within that
accepting and allowing myself as-who-I-am. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to doubt myself. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself as 'uneasiness' and within this seeking an
'easy life'. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to avoid 'problems' and 'conflicts', due to not
allowing myself to be at ease with me, thus not wanting to
'make it harder'. - I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to see that being at ease with me would allow
being at ease with everybody and everything, with Life in
general, because I am it. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to fear 'hardships'.
(that's it for now)
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| Oct 19, '10 5:53 AM for barbara's network |
Reading Marlen's Post on 'Appetite for Self-Destruction' I suddenly
realized how I, also, manipulate as a mother. I had thought this is not
true, since I think I say things directly and so it is not manipulation - lol!
The starting point is also 'wanting to get someone to do it my way'.
So here are some notes which I'll look into more a bit later today.
In which way do I manipulate?
'Analyzing' the other while listening, in order to 'dismantle' their
starting point and prove them wrong. Wherein now I have the knowledge
about emotions and feelings intruding on thinking and that thought
is not valid, if not coming from common sense. I try to influence the
other / manipulate from the starting point of 'I know their weak points'
and 'I believe they can't handle them / themselves well enough to succeed.
Or I use my experience and suggest to my son or others to do it
differently from the basis of 'they're not capable of doing it
appropriately' based on preconceptions justified by past perceptions and
projection, according to some standards of orderliness or efficiency or
economy.
I say: 'And why aren't you doing it this way, or that way…'
'You could also do this, do it this way…'
When I see my son or husband eating something that they had freshly
opened and there is still something else in the fridge that might spoil
because it doesn't get eaten (and which I haven't opened, because I don't
like it and thus didn't buy it), I point it out to them that there is still this or that
in the fridge, indicating they should rather eat that, projecting onto
them that they're not capable of taking care of these things
appropriately. In this I act from past perceptions of spoiled stuff in the fridge
and emotional reactions to that. Then they get pissed and I react.
The point of control comes into this too. And the point of manipulation
as 'verbal' abuse, placing myself above the other, using words to get the other to see something… (I also do that with C. and I.) - it gives me the feeling 'I have everything
under control' w/r/t my life, so much so that I can assist others. This is a source
of energy.
more to come...
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| Oct 22, '10 5:39 AM for barbara's network |
I haven't written an entry since my computer had a 'head-crash'
(revealing!) and I lost a lot of data in form of tutoring scans and
notes and also some muscle communication notes that I had stored. This
incidence consumed a lot of time, since I had to get the systems back
and running and had to co-ordinate this with work, household, the
attention I usually give to my youngest daughter and looking into
possibly teaching a college class which is planned as voluntary class
for students majoring on 'care/nursing and pedagogics and/or
management'. The subject matter will have to be clarified in the coming
weeks. I went to Munich to see theresponsible Dean for the planned
course, to get to know him and settle some of the preliminaries. Also a
dog bit me 2 days ago.
These are basically the points I want to write about this time to catch
up again with what was/is going on here for me. Also sleep, information
gathering, being in mind, breathing, diet, self-abuse, judgment of
dumbness, being 'special' w/r/t my daughter, lost sra data and
orientation/structuring, self-doubt and YT comments.
Ok, I'll start with the computer crashing. This was quite a point of
reaction for me. I had stored a lot of files and documents on my
desktop, because that way I could see them and didn't have to make a
mental note of'going there' specifically to continueworking on them .
Also, for a specific group of studentsI regularly check for working
material on their current school subject matter and don't want to have
to look through many of my storage systems and structures to find
something, so I placed several more-up-to-date files on the desktop,
too. Luckily I had backed-up most of them.There is this vastness of
information, since the youngest pupil I look after is 6 and needs
different material of course (comprised of mainly additional practice
sheets), than the 17-year -old student. And adding to this are the
various school types and different curricula they use.
Well, so I reacted on the thought that I didn't know what was lost and
what was still there. Everything on that computer was lost, but I had
put stuff on my external drive and on USB sticks and the netbook. After
asking my son to have a look at the problem to see what had to be done
and he'll get me a new motherboard (interesting word) and we'll switch
to Windows 7 coz the support for XP would eventually run out. I also
reacted on the idea of using Windows 7 because I had heard it wasn't as
efficient. Quite the contrary, as I'm seeing now.
So first I went through all of the sticks to see what I had temporarily
stored there pertaining to the desktop files that were lost and then the
netbook. Within this I realized that I tend to store too much
information - lol - seeing this phenomenon w/r/t my computer also!
But after some minutes I realized that I had not stored and backed up
the latest sra corrections Esteni and I had come up with. There was a
sort of panic and the emotion of not being able to retrieve what we had
pinpointed to be exchanged on the memory sheets. I remember that there
were 3 points and in that moment didn't trust myself to access them via
muscle communication myself alone, because they had involved points
ofsuppression that impaired/influenced the communication.
Interesting that with the 'head-crash' many 'mind points' were set free
to be seen! The system wasn't able to take it any more and I needed a
more advanced system -well…(!)
Information is a form of security, having it on my computer for easy
access, so I have material, articles, work sheets that I could rely on
and use if I think 'I don't know enough' on the subject or curriculum or
want to seem 'professional' by using the pre-fab sheets 'real teachers'
use! Hmm.
There was a point of anger and frustration with my son, because even
though he set off to buy the motherboard pretty quickly and undertook
the installation, he took his time with windows and the devices that
needed resetting. This was due to the fact that I had told him I want to
be able to check my emails primarily and then the rest, and so he only
did that. I had presumed he would completely 'make it work again' with
everything I usually use (word, printer, burner etc.). I hadn't been
specific enough to check back or state this specifically. The anger came
in also, because I somehow thought the head-crash was his fault, because
he had persuaded me to let him install his old... whatever… ROM … I
think, which he said had a higher storage capacity than mine, so he
could use the money I give him for this for an even better one for
himself.I was mad at my incompetence with regards to computer hardware,
actually. I projected a lot of things onto him, such as not caring
enough for my things to complete everything so I can just sit down at
the computer again, that he took advantage of me, and that he might have
been sloppy or hadn't considered all points of compatibility. A lot to
look into here.
Then going to Munich to hear what the 'Fachhochschule' had in mind
specifically and meeting the dean with whom I had only had email contact
till then. Well, here the point of 'what to wear' came up in the
morning. Wanting to make a specific impression - present myself in a
certain way. Again. Wanting to look nice. Orderly. Competent, up to the
task.
The walk to the college was interesting as it is in an old part of the
city center which seemed to me to be like in abubble shut off from the
rest of the hectic city. I stepped out of the tram and after a few
meters entered this alley-like street with very low houses on both sides
which spread an atmosphere of homeliness and comfort. In a side road I
could see a kindergarden which had lots of playful features and designs
everywhere, looked Montessori-like, and a creative atelier with a clay
figure of a female body with spirals on the breasts and belly. I
projected myself into one of the rooms behind a window, but caught
myself as I got too specific. The feeling was interesting though: a
tinge of that melancholy, loneliness, but familiarity, also seeing
myself as 'without a relationship' or 'before my marriage' (or after?!),
a point of 'how would I support myself', what would it be like.
I was over-punctual, 20 minutes early, sat on a chair in the corridor in
front of his secretary's office with a big clock on the wall in front of
me, ticking away. The dean came back from an appointment 12 minutes
early and apologized for being late after having introduced himself -
lol. It was good to realize that I was feeling comfortable, even at ease
with myself in his office, talking about my life, the various stages and
experiences that I decided to communicate about. I didn't feel like I
had to play a role then, which was great! I remembered how I used to
have sweaty hands and being totally panicky about shaking hands, but
this has not been the case for some time now. How inhibited and
self-conscious I used to feel about my sweaty hands and the horror
associated with the idea someone might detect pearls of sweat on the
patch of skin between my fingernails and first knuckles - was so
intense. I also remember having avoided looking for jobs when the
children were young due this fear and the fact that the internal
pressure I placed myself under caused the sweaty hands. Also the wrong
diet. But the idea that I would have to work with paper, getting it wet
(!), smearing the ink and shaking people's hands, trying to appear
confident and competent, had held me back.
All went well with the conversation.
Another thing that was interesting to note is that when the tram back to
my car was rather full I sat next to a rather robust man who needed more
than his seat. Eventually the tram emptied, but I decided staying
somewhat squished instead of getting up to a bench with 2 free seats
opposite of me. My mind brought up the some research done on the fact
that people always disperse themselves equally in a seating situation.
Maybe I decided to suppress this due to my mind presenting me with 'this
research story'. I couldn't concentrate on breathing very well, decided
to count but got mixed up with the in- and outbreath a couple of times
where I didn't know whether I had inhaled or breathed out - LOL!Thinking
and breathing ! Didn't work, so I just went blank a bit for a while -
blankness of the mind - but not Here, really.
Well, then the event of the dog bite. I was waiting in front of a
student's home, the one who is on ritalin and I knew his grandma and mom
weren't home and I couldn't find him (it turned out that he was in the
basement in front of the computer with headphones on). I walked down the
driveway a bit and the terrier that had seen me often enough before,
shot out between my car and the fence towards the garage where she has a
blanket and bit me when passing! I was stunned. I scolded her saying
'what has gotten into you? This is not acceptable!' But I didn't go any
closer.I decided to ring out the tenant to tell her what her dog had just
done. Of course she was shocked too and we talked a bit how the dog
actually behaved in a polarized way: submissive at home/in the house and
aggressive outdoors where she runs free a lot. So then I realized this
probably had to do with my participation in abuse, which I've been
looking at recurrently.
I will deal with this later on today as well as with the other points.
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| Oct 24, '10 9:54 AM for barbara's network |
Sleep:
I do realize that I feel best with 6 h of sleep. Currently I'm managing
to get up after 6 h one out of three times only, the other times it's
between 6 and 7 hours. Mostly it's about 20 minutes longer - enough to
load a lot of the systems… which is not so cool. I've had periods of
sleeping a little short of 6 h telling myself 'I am Here, I am awake'
and this was great for me, I even looked forward to applying this on the
next morning. It had started to get cold and I periodically had allowed
myself to consider what I had been dreaming - in bed - as it was cold
everywhere else. And I wanted have my eyes closed when trying to recall
the dreams, sort of telling myself I don't want to pick up the
information on my surroundings/room. So that accounts for the extra 20
minutes of sleep. What also held me back was considering what was Here
yesterday (lol) and what I plan to do once out of bed.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to get up
immediately after waking up with the excuse of already 'being awake',
but wanting to consider what I had dreamt while still under the warm
blankets. Within this I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted
myself to close my eyes in doing so, with the excuse that I don't
need/want to see my surroundings, because I don't 'need that information'.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to realize
that I was justifying 'not wanting to get up' with the point of 'wanting
to retrieve my dreams' and 'not needing the information on my
surroundings' while doing so, and thus allowing myself to drift off.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to realize
that I was placing the idea of 'it's cold and uncomfortable and dark'
above me 'being Here'.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to realize
that I was placing the idea of 'not being able to see myself comfortably
and warm in front of my computer writing myself out and generally
supporting myself' above me-as-Life, and thus didn't get out of bed.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to see that
I was judging the fact that I was getting up 'so early' as 'uncustomary'
/ 'out of the ordinary' as everyone else was still sleeping.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to judge the fact
that I was getting up and everyone else still sleeping as 'uncustomary'
and 'out of the ordinary'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to sneak out of
the room, so my husband wouldn't wake up and comment.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to stay in bed
till my husband has gone to the toilet and back to bed, when I hear him
waking up and it's time for me to get up, to avoid having to hear comments.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to realize
that I have been placing a dread of comments above me as self-direction.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself as and within the
dread of comments.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself within and as
reloading the past day as information to place myself into a chronology,
a time/event structure as a reference to my self, accessing what the
day's plans are, instead of trusting myself within and as the breath and
breath as stable point of reference, as me, go step by step within and
as self-direction.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to hide and limit
myself within and as the concept of 'what is normal', 'customary' and
'ordinarily done'.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to react to the
comment and accusation that I'm doing this because 'Bernard says so',
instead of realizing self-honestly that at first this was true (telling
myself I'll try this),
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that when seeing the self-support within 6 h of sleep, I hadn't placed
myself as that point of self-support.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to place
myself as the point of self-support of sleeping 6h max.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to want to hide
what I do as and within self-support.
I allow and accept myself to stand as and within self-support.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to justify what
I'm doing (getting up etc.) within inner dialogues.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to place myself
as and within the point of self-justification.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to project onto
another the idea 'that I am not behaving normally' / 'I'm not completely
normal' =weird, strange, instead of seeing this as self-judgment and
deficient self-trust.
I do not allow the construct/idea of 'normality' and 'behaving/acting within
these limits' above myself. I trust myself as Self Here.
I am Here, I am awake. I get out of bed. I support myself. I trust
myself. I place myself as and within breath and direct myself within the
stability of myself as breath
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| Oct 24, '10 5:10 PM for barbara's network |
The point of gathering information:
The head-crash let me realize that I have created the idea that I must
get on top of all the information presented. Within this I had put
myself under pressure to 'do this first' and had placed information over
being Here and releasing the points wherein I separate myself from Self.
This also 'makes me' gather too much information - more than I can
process in a certain time period. Within this idea I also limit myself
w/r/t self-forgiveness.
I resolve to prioritize on sf with the points I realize.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place
information over self-support as sf.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to support
myself within sf as a priority to equalize myself with substance and be
here as life.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to gather
information as a means of building a platform from which I can draw for
'mind support', instead of allowing myself to find stability within and
as breath and consistent sf as my Self in every moment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create myself
within and as the energy of information as a priority over breath and
self-forgiveness .
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to divert myself
by gathering information to avoid seeing what is here and doing sf.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate
myself from what is here by seeking the energy of 'new' information and
'revelations', instead of being Here within and as the information,
meaning placing me-as-breath Here and then one and equal to the information.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go through
information with the starting point of discovering something interesting
and seeing 'how things work' from the perspective of the observer,
instead of becoming one and equal to the information and walking with
and as the information in self-trust . (-> Esteni's post)
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myselfto walk with
and as the information in the living experience of what is.
I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself within and as the
idea of information as something separate from me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that I could be Here as the information presented, applying
being-Self-within-it, instead of trying to understand it as an idea of
something that is not-me, but mind, separate from me-Here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continuously
check myself against the information I want to adopt-as-me and bend
myself to fit into the information, acting according to it, instead of
being Self as and within it, in and as self-honesty, and seeing in every
moment within and as self-trust if my application is self-honest.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to control myself
with respect to information and absorbing it, and changing
myself according to the idea the information holds.
I allow and accept myself as the application of being Self within and as
the information presented.
I place myself Here in and as self-honesty and allow myself to become
one and equal to the information.
I walk with and as the information in self-trust.
I stop bending around the information trying to integrate it.
I am Here as breath as priority and allow myself one and equal to the
information, living myself as the change within and as the self-support
of self-forgiveness.
I stop gathering information and instead equalize myself to the
information within the application of being Self.
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| Oct 25, '10 10:12 AM for barbara's network |
The point of the head-crash from last week:
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the
computer having crashed, by immediately thinking 'what has been lost?'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I
actually needed the stored information, instead of seeing that such a
belief binds me to the functioning of the device and allows for dependency.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make myself
dependent on a system.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myselfto make myself
dependent on a program.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I
needed to see the current files on the desktop to be reminded of wanting
to work with them, instead of trusting myself within and as self-direction.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to gather pre-fab
work sheets with 'half an eye on presenting myself as proficient'.
I trust myself as and within self direction and stop accumulating
information as 'proficiency booster'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as the
tendency to gather and store information as something 'valuable', a
'resource', instead of trusting myself as common-sense and theknowledge
that I am applying as self. Within this I forgive myself that I've
accepted and allowed myself to think I had to add to the
information/material the studentalready has in hand, instead of using
what is Here and looking into that / applying that.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in
the emotion of panic and self-doubt, when realizing that the notes on
sra were not completely accessible.
I trust myself as and within muscle communication. I stop self-doubt and
mind-involvement. I allow myself to breathe and be Here when placing the
relevant questions for sra.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that
I was using the computer system as an external support system, to which
I had not placed myself one and equal.
'Security' is breath and stability as and within me Here. I am
self-support one and equal to the information. I trust myself to see
what needs to be done.
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| Oct 26, '10 1:47 PM for barbara's network |
Projecting anger on my son
So last week I found out that I participate in anger when I don't know
how to do things on the computer and there are additional stress
factors, such as lost data, having to think of other ways to manage -
the emotion of 'feeling overwhelmed' comes in, due to perceived
insufficient know-how and perceived time constraints
-frustration
- thoughts of 'he identifies with being good at these things, so he
should complete everything pertaining to the re-installation so I can
use it' .
- the idea that 'he has plenty of time and he's not being efficient with
it'
- 'why does he take everything I say literally and not consider that I
want a workable platform like the one I had before the crash'.
- I want and expect him to give priority to this, since 'it probably was
his fault' as he persuaded me to exchange ROMs which didn't result in
the hoped-for accelerated computing
-on telling him that I had expected him doing that and saying 'you know
that I would have liked everything re-installed so I can work with it'
he said that I had stated my priority being on email accessibility, like
'I only do what you specifically say'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in
anger when I don't know how to do things on the computer and am under
stress.
I breathe, realize I am Here and take one step at a time.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be
familiar with everything I do, even before starting, instead of trusting
myself in every moment of every breath.
I trust myself to see what is Here within and as self-direction and act
within and as breath.
I say stop when I realize that points are accumulating, breathe, do sf ,
write things out, vlog.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel
overwhelmed as a result of thinking I might not have the know-how or
sufficient information on how the programs work.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I
needed to know how the programs work / are to be used beforehand.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated
due to facing complications and having expected the computer to be 'ready'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe a
situation has become complicated.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust
myself within self-direction when perceiving a situation as 'complicated'.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that by judging a situation as complicated I was actually experiencing
myself as 'complicated', seeing myself as not-clear as to what to do.
I realize that 'complications' are a judgment of an experience of me on
the basis of resistance to being here. I breathe and allow myself here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect a
certain routine / smoothness when I decide to do something at the
computer thusly projecting an idea of an experience of myself as
'uncomplicated' / 'smooth' w/r/t working at the computer into the future.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that I am submitting myself to an idea of what will be when deciding to
do something.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself that I've
separated myself into ideas of how I will experience myself.
I stop expecting routines and thoughts of 'I'll just do this quickly and
then…' because I realize that I am expecting something to be done in a
certain time-frame, quickly, and projecting myself into this idea,
separating myself from here and placing myself under pressure of
expectations.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myselfto realize
that I am blaming my son due to a frustration with not being able to do
things as I had anticipated.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as
frustration due to anticipating an outcome resulting in blame and
judgment of another.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get angry
because someone is taking what I say literally, instead of realizing
that I often do that in order to get the other to be clear to limit the
whole range of what is implied with a request, because I don't want to
do it all, instead of seeing that I'm manipulating instead of communicating.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that I manipulate instead of communicating by not wanting to understand
/ taking words literally, in order to limit expectations or having
something dumped onto me - in general a self-protection measure.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize
that I take words literally as a self-protection methods, instead of
communicating clearly and self-honestly.
I allow and accept myself as and within clear and self-honest communication.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want make
someone else responsible for what I have allowed on my computer. I am
responsible for what I allow and accept.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my
experience of anger that momentarily suppresses my feeling of inadequacy
and being overwhelmed by finding my son at fault and accusing him of
self-interest in my mind as a result of having been suspicious of him
suggesting to exchange ROMs , instead of completely standing by my
decision and taking the responsibility.
I stand one and equal to my allowances and acceptances and do what is
necessary to clarify and understand walking in and as this clarity.
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| Oct 26, '10 5:15 PM for barbara's network |
Wanting to make a specific impression:
On the day I had an appointment with the dean of the university I
repeatedly changed clothes considering what would be 'fitting' for the
occasion to make the impression of proficiency and appropriateness. I
wanted to look nice and orderly and competent.
I usually don't give much attention to what I wear, clothes pile up over
the hand-rail at the end of the stairs, sometimes I wear them 3 days in
a row if they don't smell. I think of changingwhen I go out for
tutoring, but even then I often enough re-use what is on the pile.
But in these situations I mostly feel likeI can be 'me'.
So, on that day I had obviously thought I needed a 'touch more
proficiency and orderliness' in form of clothes - I even wore a skirt - Lol
Releasing this Here now:
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to 'make
a specific impression' on someone.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to
manipulate a person into seeing me 'as more'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess myself
as to my appearance and project the perception onto a person I hadn't
even know to that time.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be
seen as 'more proficient', stating that what I am as and within
Self-expression is not appropriate and not enough.
I trust myself as and within who-I-am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to fit an
idea of the mind / to change according to mind and present myself
according to an 'image' which I had pertaining to the desired traits.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as a picture
image, instead of the living expression of me as who-i-am, self-honestly.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide behind
clothes.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the
starting point of thinking what to wear in orderto appear to have
certain qualities, instead of simply wearing something nice in which I
feel comfortable and supported.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my
attitude to what I usually wear 'as not caring about it' and go into
polarity when I want a certain effect, as if to make up for this lack of
interest.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to differentiate
between situations in which 'I can be me' and those where 'I have to
play a role'.
I allow myself to be Self-expression and feel comfortable-as-me in any
situation, in every moment of breath.
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Diet:
Having blood type 0 I do not tolerate specific carbohydrates well
(especially wheat and whole grains and potatoes - I loved to eat
those)and should focus on beef, lamb, mutton - no dairy products such as
milk, yoghurt…eggs and no cabbage, avocados - a whole list.
Since I have learned this, I have been eating more meat (mostly lamb),
which I had almost totally cancelled from my diet, and spinach. However,
I did buy a lot of puffed rice cakes (gluten-free) and almost finished
off2/3s of a package by myself on one day, I was so used to
carbohydrates! I also boughtmillet and buck-wheat and allowed myselfto
eat more chocolate. I hadsubstituted one carbtype for another . So I was
compensating … and thus haven't been very effective with implementing an
actual supportive change, even though I am able to tell that leaving out
the wheat, and the increased meat intake definitely make me feel better.
A big factor for me that had induced me to look into this diet thing was
the condition of my facial skin and neck, which show reactions of the
lymph glands (seems like) that discharge clear serum (no pus) after
having appeared asswollen spots under the skin. I googled the point
yesterday night and found a page on 'carbohydrate abuse' stating that
this often resulted in an irritation of the inner glands. Aha! I have
obviously been totally overdoing it with the carbohydrates.
This morning I remembered a dream I had about 15 years ago while in a
phase of wanting to 'live healthily'again - making my own bread (which I
ended up eating myself - no one else was enthusiastic about it!) and in
the dream I was standing at a corner of a house in the dark eating cat
food! I was repulsed at the taste of it. It looked like chunks of my
dark moist bread dough. So obviously what I was eating was not for me…
So now I have resolved to strictly cut on the carbs. It seems I've been
taxing my digestion system dearly by eating all the bread stuffs and
whole wheat/grains, which have been causing the gland irritations,so
hopefully the condition of my skin will eventually clear up with the
diet change by actually eating what supports me.
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| Dog bite and tutoring | Oct 29, '10 12:13 PM for barbara's network |
Dog bite and tutoring
Yesterday I stepped into dog shit outside of a student's house after a lesson. The week before I was bitten by a dog outside of a student's house. I decided it was time to do a mc session on these two events:
Priority point was the dog bite, second point I looked at within this was stepping into dog shit.
Clearing my starting point I encountered an unconscious resistance and temporarily removed it with breathing together with shaking my legs for 2 minutes at velocity 5 (frequency based resistance).
Further testing revealed:
- the emotion 'antagonistic' - 'self against other',
- I was 'antagonistic' against the student
- it had to do with self-abuse
- It was supportive to look at what the owner had told me about the
dog's behavior - submissive indoors with the family, running
wild outdoors and obviously aggressive and not to be trusted. - It had to do with the polarity submissive - aggressive
I wanted more details:
'cheer', definition 2: to urge on especially with shouts or cheers (to cheer one's team to victory)
Cheering the student (inside the house), aggressive outside.
Why did the dog bite me? - dictionary word: 'outspoken' - frank, direct, open in speech and expression (as in outspoken criticism)
Is the dog 'telling me' to 'bite' = use outspoken criticism (criticism seen as aggression) and be open in speech and expression as in contrast to cheering (submission to the idea of being nice)? - yes
Anything else? -yes:
I had felt antagonistic against the student because I had to go and look for him.
I suppressed the 'aggression' Anger at myself that, in the moment of looking for him, I suppressed considering the option of criticizing him for not being here (self-abuse), because of an allowed and accepted preconceived idea of 'having to cheer' students (idea of being an understanding teacher, one who doesn't scold or criticize) instead of being 'outspoken'.
Are these points valid, specific, relevant? Yes to all.
Am I suppressing my expression when I 'cheer' instead of 'criticize/being outspoken' .
Is that what is to be seen here? - yes
I 'must' allow myself as outspoken criticism when warranted? - yes
If I suppress outspoken criticism I get aggressive? - yes
I can't be trusted within this expression of 'cheering' instead of 'criticism' - yes (obviously)
I don't allow myself to criticize in an outspoken way / to be frank,because I believe I have to cheer, within that I am being submissive, and that makes me antagonistic and aggressive because I am suppressing myself in and as self-expression and thus abusing myself.
Is it supportive to investigate stepping into the dog shit in this connection? - yes
Emotion: 'frightened' - of coming home after the lesson? - yes
Further emotion: 'enervate' = cause to lose strength or vigor
Another emotion: 'glowering' = staring angrily
Me at others? No. Others at me? Yes. My partner at me? Yes.
I fear my partner glowering at me which enervates me? Yes.
Another emotion: 'kindness'
Polarity:kindness - glowering
When leaving the house of a student where there is kindness I fear my
partner glowering at me during the course of the evening when I come home. This fear is like stepping into dog shit (lol) which sticks on my shoe, like the fear sticking with me. - valid? Yes. Allowing myself as the fear is equal to me stepping in shit. Valid? Yes
.=> stop the thought/fear => no enervation => no polarity of kindness/glowering
What is the connection to the bite?
Submitting me to the thought/fear causes me to encounter aggression? - yes
Is there more to be seen? yes
Related to 'outspoken'? Yes
I 'cannot' express myself as I want to (in an outspoken way), as I'm submitting
myself to the fear of 'glowering'. This also makes me feel 'antagonistic'? - valid? Yes. Self-abuse.
Before I continue along this line I'll look at the fact that I allowed myself as a frequency-based resistance when wanting to look at these points. This resistance activates as frequency vibration within and as me that tunes me into and as the mind. It activates due to environmental sounds within my surroundings that activate certain memories which activate the resistance.
I 'had a look at' those memories, the memory points of which I tested out. 2 of 4 had to do with dogs, the energy resources being: hard to handle and 'securable' (how am I able to secure myself) and 2 with walking (one walking and being followed in the dark), the emotions being 'scary' and 'scared'.
Is fear of 'glowering' related to fear of being bitten due to these memories being activated? - yes
Does that mean when I tune into the picture as memory of my partner 'glowering' I unconsciously activate the emotions of 'scared', 'hard to handle', 'scary' and 'securable'
as the shit that comes with the dog? - yes
When I don't suppress the aggression from feeling antagonistic and fearing 'glowering', do I 'bite', too? Yes. So I 'dash out from somewhere hidden back into a safe place' where I 'feel at home' and bite on the way, as the dog that bit me did? (post 'events of the last few days') - is that the way I sometimes express myself? -yes.
I stop fearing criticism coming from me or others, outspoken or 'glowering' .
I disassociate kindness with not-criticizing.
I stop anticipating 'glowering' and emotions of anger.
I let go of the idea as and within me having to be understanding and nice as a tutor and allow myself as and within self-expression.
Sf to come (hopefully soon)
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/?&=&preview=&item_id=10&page_start=20>
| Oct 31, '10 7:23 PM for barbara's network |
1. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as
the emotion of ‚antagonistic‘ when having to look for a student outside.
2. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immediately
suppress the emotion of 'antagonistic', fearing that I would then
‘criticize' the student, if I allowed this in me, and this would not fit
into the idea of me being ‘understanding and nice’.
3. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit
myself within and as the idea of ‘being understanding and nice’.
4. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse
myself by suppressing myself in and as self-expression, due the
submission to an idea of myself as ‘understanding and nice’.
5. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself as and within
the idea of ‘understanding and nice’ in avoidance of its polarity of
‘criticizing’ and ‘antagonistic’.
6. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself as and within
the polarity of ‘criticizing’ and ‘antagonistic’, due to fearing others’
reactions towards me, such as not liking me.
7. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be
outspoken within and as self-expression, even if it entails ‘criticism’.
8. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust
myself as and within self-expression and, within this, not letting
myself realize that the reaction of others does not require any
reactions by me such as suppressing ‘outspoken criticism’.
9. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as
‘cheering’ and thus within and as the polarity end to ‘outspoken criticism’.
10. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as
‘cheering a student to victory’, thereby manipulating him to carry on by
providing ‘positivity’ and allowing myself as the expression of energy,
instead of life as and within self-expression, and trusting me and him
within and as that.
11. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust
myself within and as self-expression and instead suppress myself ‘into’
the limitation of ‘cheering-only’.
12. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge
‘outspoken criticism’ as ‘aggression’ and associate it to an
‘antagonistic’ attitude, instead of seeing that, if not placed as a
personal attack, it is supportive and constructive.
13. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to
realize that I had suppressed myself within and as the anger of having
to look for the student, to not have to face myself within criticizing
him and thus challenge the limitations I submitted myself to as the
idea of being ‘understanding and nice’.
14. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see
that I had judged a strong, ‘outspoken’ statement of ‘what is perceived
as acceptable and what isn’t’ as ‘criticism’ and somewhat ‘antagonistic’
and ‘negative’ and thus haven’t allowed myself as 'outspoken' and had
adopted the polarity end – being ‘nice’.
15. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take
statements of 'what a being allows and accepts' personally – as a
rejection of myself and as a statement of him not-liking me.
16. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have
adopted the idea that to be liked I must be understanding of the being’s
‘transgressions’ due to myself taking it personally if this were expressed
toward me directly and as outspoken, perceived ‘criticism’.
17. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give my
power away to the idea of ‘being liked’.
18. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to
realize that by suppressing myself as self-expression due to the fear of
not being liked I feed aggression/antagonism in and as me and ‘bite’.
Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to realize that I am suppressing the emotions and thus attracting what I
suppress on the ‘outside’ (and ‘get bitten’, verbally and literally).
19. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to
realize that I am abusing myself by not allowing and accepting myself as
outspoken self-expression and feeding (verbal) abuse against me as a
reflection of this.
20. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to
express myself due to a fear of being ‘glowered at’.
21. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as
the anticipation of being ‘glowered at’.
22. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as
the polarity of kindness and glowering, wanting to seem kind and
understanding to avoid the reaction of someone glowering, thus believing
I could avoid facing myself within what is Here as and within me when
someone reacts to what I express as myself.
23. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear
‘leaving’ ‘kindness’ and going into a situation of someone possibly
‘glowering’.
24. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear
facing ‘glowering’ and seeing that I am taking this personally by
judging it to be an expression of ‘not-liking’, ‘not-understanding’ and
rejection and anger.
25. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to anticipate
anger, aggression, rejection, ‘not-liking’ and ‘not-understanding’.
26. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to
realize that I ‘enervate’ myself by accepting and allowing thoughts of
‘fear’ or dread of being ‘stared at angrily’.
27. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of
‘glowering’ to stick with me like the dog pooh I stepped into. Within
this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to
realize that the fear is as annoying as the stink. (LOL)
28. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see
that the fear of anger sets me up for this anger by my inadvertently
antagonizing myself against the being.
29. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to antagonize
myself against my partner by anticipating and fearing ‘glowering’,
‘criticism’ and ‘not-understanding’. Within this, I forgive myself that
I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as and within
self-expression as a consequence, instead of trusting myself and facing
what I’ve accepted as and within me.
30. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be scared
of such situations judging them as ‘being hard to handle’ and
considering a way to ‘secure’ myself, which is tied into unconscious
past memory experiences.
31. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed to realize that
I often enough release the suppressed aggression and antagonism that has
accumulated by anticipating and fearing - by ‘biting’= criticizing.
32. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accumulate
aggression and antagonism and release it by criticizing (at home).
Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/?&=&preview=&item_id=10&page_start=20>
