Today I talked to the mother of a 11 year old I am tutoring. We had some time to talk because the kid had left a message on the answering machine that he was staying at someone's place after school. He had apparently forgotten about our appointment and so I decided to get to know the mom a bit.
We talked about the problems he had at school, his current marks and that he wouldn't be able to manage the step into comprehensive school in autumn. She said she had had him tested for ADD and hyperactivity, but that the test had shown that he is not a 'typical case' in that he can focus if he wants to. Lol! Sure, they all can - I said. It just has to be interesting enough to them. In fact it's the same for anybody. We all have to push harder when it's not interesting. It seems to be especially hard for those kids that we ultimatively label with ADS.
I remembered how our son settled into the more boring subjects as Latin and German once he had begun smoking and drinking coffee and coke in the boarding school that offered classes of only 7-9 pupils. I told her how strange I had found it that caffeine calmed him down. I guess the whole neurology or 'energetics' are somehow askew like when the meridians run the other way around.
She told me it was really hard to get him to hand in assignments and, in general, do homework, and to remember to be at home when i come. She says he is an outsider and probably at the moment influenced by a new kid in his class who acts up pretty often and is rather disruptive. She also mentioned having read about Indigos and how special they are said to be. I was on the verge of presenting my view on this topic, but then I decided to breathe and hear her out.
This turned out to be a cool experience for me, because I settled back into myself and listened to what resumé she came. I was astonished to hear her say that she found this to be of no value if he didn't act in a socially responsible way, for example helping to stack the freshly cut wood in front of the house or do some chores. A friend had told her she could be proud of having an Indigo child and we agreed on the point of what was the use of this label if there is no consideration for the group.
So it was cool to not have to clear this point of 'indigo' and 'being special' and go into considering how to practically go about supporting him to realize what his responsibilities are. We discussed the pros and cons of having him pay for the lesson he was missing, but I felt he would resent the lesson more that way and maybe build up more resistance. We couldn't really think of any way that didn't have to do with some sort of manipulation. She then concluded she wouldn't take him to the skateboard park for the promised time once a week - where she would have to wait for him - if he didn't commit to his assignments. I told her she might try telling him that he is allowing and accepting self-defeat when he keeps on avoiding even though he does say he wants to change to the comprehensive school. Well, we'll see if that helps.
How can one 'make' a child be more responsible? Or anyone for that matter? Consequence. But when is consequence manipulation in family settings? Seem to be quite close, the two. Too much 'natural consequence' often makes it be too late within the school system.
