calling out the game

I’ve been looking at point of extensive blemishes in my face and how I have been allowing self-suppression.

Besides trying to find a competent foot reflexology practitioner I muscle-tested what else could be supportive to break open some points within which I am suppressing myself. ‘Staphisagria’ came up. It was supportive to take 5 Globuli once every 4 days 5 times. So into the second week I really got in touch with some deep-rooted anger surging up within me and experienced myself in a way that reminded me of long-suppressed emotions.

It came up with this event with my husband that actually reflected an ‘age-old’ relived theme.

I was taken by surprise by the emotion being so strong that I had to leave the scene to get some air and space between us. After some initial sf and breathing and looking at this while driving down country roads I saw:

We’re both victimizing each other by playing power games of superiority/inferiority and good guy/bad guy. Till now I’ve always thought for me it started with: He comes in and ‘dumps his emotions onto me’ seeing himself ‘wronged in a way’ and blaming me. Then I experience myself as ‘abused and wronged by his reaction’ and ‘I’m the ‘good’ person’, ‘I can’t do anything about it.’ ‘He’s the one with the problem’.

However, I hadn’t considered the story behind it and all the back-chat.

The realization had been facilitated by working on a mind-construct on my brother, wherein I was able to see the experience of inferiority within and as ‘the comparison games’ I had been participating in and the later steadily recurring dreams of ‘powerlessness’ toward him, though I had had hardly any contact to him. In the dreams I was trying to slap him in the face in various attempts and just couldn’t reach him! And now the anger that I hadn’t allowed for a long time had suddenly come up a bit, shortly after an event with my husband.

So here I now want to share some of the self-forgiveness I did on the event with my husband (the sf on the mc on my brother is not dealt with here)

1. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he is conjuring something up within and as his mind and then dumping it onto me, instead of seeing that I don’t know this for sure, and it is not real anyway because it is mind.
2. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe something that is of the mind, whether mine or his. I understand that I am making this real by believing it is so and acting as if it were so. I stop myself within and as this belief.
3. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame him for conjuring something up in and as his mind and dumping it on me.
4. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe he could ‘dump something on me’. Instead I see that within this perception I am accepting and allowing abuse. I stop this by non-participation within and as this perception and judgment.
5. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge him as ‘dumping his emotions and conjectures onto me’. I realize I do this because I don’t want to see that this reflects my own suppressed emotions with respect to the game we are playing, as of ‘being perceived as the ‘bad one’ that is at fault and he as the ‘wronged one’ who is victimized. Also I realize that by participating in this perception I am allowing myself to be manipulated into ‘turning the game around’ so that I can perceive myself as the ‘good one’ who is ‘wronged’ and ‘abused’. I realize that this is actually self-abuse. Me abusing me-as-life.
6. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by participating in this perception I am allowing myself to be manipulated into ‘turning the game around’ so that I can perceive myself as the ‘good one’ who is ‘wronged’ and ‘abused’. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is actually self-abuse. Me abusing me-as-life.
7. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame him for starting this game, instead of seeing that I have charged the energy field for this game by back-chatting by allowing the thoughts of ‘he’s got a problem; doesn’t he understand; he’s dumping it onto me’. I do not allow this back-chat. I stop and breathe.
8. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want him to stop instead of seeing that I am to stop the back-chat.
9. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he wants attention in some form from me. I realize that this is one of the elements of the game we are playing within and as polarity as of ‘he wants attention’ and ‘I want some peace’. I stop myself as and within this polarity game as desire of attention/peace. I realize I can only be ‘at peace’ with myself in and as the stability of breath. – The peace of being left alone is a mind state as it is dependent on external factors and thus not real because not stable Here as and within me.
10. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he’s making me responsible for not-giving him the kind of attention he wants, instead of seeing that the basis for this belief is not here, because I am actually giving him attention by believing he is making me responsible and so I am feeding the ‘field’ for the game to be played.
11. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accuse him for entertaining the perception of being wronged, instead of seeing that by accusing him I am avoiding self-direction and the self-responsibility of not-participating and stopping.
12. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he thinks it’s my fault he’s not getting the attention and he’s indirectly blaming me for it. Instead I see that in entertaining this belief I am allowing the perception of being ‘blamed’ and thus wronged within which I am creating anger within and as me for being ‘victimized’.
13. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play the game: I’m good – he’s bad / I’m bad – he’s good. I stop. I realize that within and as it I am creating the situation of abuse, powerlessness and self-suppression and hate. I realize that this is what the skin is reflecting back at me. I stop.
14. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘powerless’ in the situation that I created.
15. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the other for playing a game that I have participated within and as with my brother already.
16. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within and as self-expression and life by playing this game.
17. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the state of my skin reflected this game I was participating in as and within the energy of wanting to be the ‘good one’ (the good sister) thus trying to turn a perception of an experience around to save my ego from ‘diminishment’.
18. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe he ‘started it’, and judge and blame him for ‘starting it’, instead of seeing that the starting point for this was allowing and accepting myself as and within the desire to be the ‘good one’ in comparison to my brother in the eyes of my mom and dad and stopping myself within and as it.
19. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have compared myself to my brother and projected onto my mother that she perceived him as the ‘good one’ in contrast to me.
20. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire the children to ‘take my side’ instead of realizing that I was passing on ‘the game’ to the next generation and declaring myself as inferior to the self-proclaimed rules of the game.
21. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as not-being at fault/to blame for the experience within and as me and consequently desire of the other to not-blame me, instead of realizing that, here too, the source for my experience of me is always me here.
22. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was blaming the other for my experience of myself by reacting.

Inverting the above sf statements:

1. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to conjure something up within and as my mind and then dump it onto him, instead of seeing that I don’t know this for sure, and it is not real anyway because it is mind.
2. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame him for conjuring something up in and as my mind and dumping it on me and him.
3. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that this reflects my own suppressed emotions with respect to the game we are playing, as of ‘being perceived as the ‘bad one’ that is at fault and he as the ‘wronged one’ who is victimized.
4. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I have charged the energy field for this game by back-chatting by allowing the thoughts of ‘he’s got a problem; doesn’t he understand; he’s dumping it onto me’. I do not allow this back-chat. I stop and breathe.
5. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I am to stop the back-chat.
6. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I want attention in some form from him by wanting him to see me as who-I-am and support me within and as it.
7. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is one of the elements of the game we are playing within and as polarity as of ‘he wants attention’ and ‘I want some peace’. I stop myself as and within this polarity game as desire of attention/peace. I realize I can only be ‘at peace’ with myself in and as the stability of breath.
8. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the peace of being left alone is a mind state as it is dependent on external factors and thus not real because not stable Here as and within me.
9. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I’m making him responsible for not-giving me the kind of attention I want, instead of seeing that the basis for this belief is not here, because he’s actually giving me attention by reflecting me as who-I-am within and as the game.
10. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by accusing him I am avoiding self-direction and the self-responsibility of not-participating and stopping.
11. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that in entertaining the belief that he’s blaming me it’s my fault he’s not getting any attention, I am allowing the perception of being ‘blamed’ and thus wronged within which I am creating anger within and as me for being ‘victimized’.
12. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within and as playing the game of ‘I’m good – he’s bad’ I am creating the situation of abuse, powerlessness and self-suppression and hate. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is what the skin is reflecting back at me. I stop.
13. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I feel ‘powerless’ in the situation that I created and I blame him for this feeling. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into the polarity of ‘superiority’ over him.
14. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I hated myself for not stopping myself within and as the game that I have participated within and as with my brother already.
15. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I had created myself in and as this polarity end as ‘good’ and ‘innocent victim’ in this game as self-image to counter the idea that I was the ‘bad sister’ with respect to fulfilling hopes of my parents and thus limiting myself as life-expression immensely.
16. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself as polarity end as ‘good’ and ‘innocent victim’ in this game as self-image to contrast my experience with my brother and parents.
17. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was trying to turn a perception of an experience around to save my ego from ‘diminishment’.
18. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the starting point for the perception of his role in the game as ‘him always having started it’ was one of allowing and accepting myself as and within the desire to be the ‘good one’ in comparison to my brother in the eyes of my mom and dad and now in contrast to my husband.
19. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the children ‘taking my side’ would make me ‘right’ in ‘the game’ and not realize that I wanted to fortify my self-image of and as ‘the good guy’. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was declaring myself as inferior to the self-proclaimed rules of the game.

The game stops here.

solution: STOP and BREATHE

1 - stop the game from my side – don’t participate;

2 - this starts with the backchat!!!!

Everything along the lines of:

• He’s reacting
• He’s conjecturing
• He just doesn’t understand
• He’s dumping it onto me
• Doesn’t he realize what he’s doing?
• He’s really got a problem

3 - call out the game:

Him: I’m the ‚good guy‘, I can’t be blamed, the one who isn’t appreciated, the one who has been wronged – it’s her fault/she’s the ‘bad guy’, who doesn’t appreciate me.

Me: I’m not the one who started it / who’s to blame (I’m the ‘good guy’) – he’s got a problem (he’s the bad guy)

There’s still another 2 rounds of Staphisagria to go and eventually the reflexology as support. The main support, however, has been the writing, the mind-constructs, the self-forgiveness and the lessons and feedback within SRA and DIP training.

Inadequate? - Not true!

The last two days I had had so many things to do that I forgot to breathe in a way that actually brings me here - making the inbreath last 4 counts, stopping for four counts, breathing out counting to 4 and stopping for 4 counts. Well, maybe the amount of things to be done hadn't increased so drastically. I had simply allowed myself to believe that the pressure on myself had increased. I had allowed thoughts like 'how should I integrate this assignment', 'how should I place the situation I find myself in into words', 'this is taking so long', 'I'm so slow', 'Am I doing this right', 'Am I being too specific' - I had focused on what was to be done as something separate from me, as something that is expected to be done.

Instead I can bring it all here as me and walk through what is 'on the list' within and as breath, which means I bring myself here into the body by breathing and walk through each item on the list in breath tempo - within the counts - like a metronome that steadily gives me the beats of the song. I am the words, the voice, the sound of this song and remain 'sound' and stable within it. Doing what is here to be done. So I take myself by the hand, give myself a lead by breathing and allow myself to 'follow myself ' within the breath, be carried by breath. I push through this cloud of thoughts and feelingsthat has accumulated and seems to want to swallow me up and make me believe that this is too much, I'm too slow... Inadequate.

Breathing, I realize I can never be 'inadequate' to what is here, because it is me! I allowed and accepted it within and as me - so I definitely am adequate.

So I breathe, keep on writing what is here as and within me ---- adding and equating everything I've separated myself from within thoughts, feelings and emotions to be able to see myself clearly within it and see that I am adequate in actuality - I direct myself through what is here as me / within me.

I simply do not buy this inadequacy crap anymore.

Multiply posts from March 2011 - moving everything here

writing instead of fighting - fighting a feud instead of honouring life

Mar 2, '11 2:10 AM for everyone

When I was 17 we had an American exchange stundent with us for some weeks and we "fell in love with each other'. It was our first time for both of us. Then he had to go back and I was 'heart-broken'. I wrote him letters and sent him chocolate, because he had loved Milka chocolate. (lol)

And I added pictures of our trips and time together.

The first letter he sent back was one of longing. The second - the one after my chocolate 'care packet' - I had to wait for for several weeks. During this time I had kept myself in the state of projecting myself to him, to where and how I believed he lived according to photos I had and what he had told me. Pictures, fantasies, projection, ideas of how great it would be to be together in New Haven - my 'new heaven' - walking down the beach with him, sailing, touching, feeling his embrace from behind, smelling the soap he used (he even left me the one he had used for me to remember him!) .... longing.

Then came his second letter. The statement of '"we (a girl he had met, stated in a short sentence in the beginning) had chocolate coming out of our ears!" promptly catapulted me from the lofty clouds of my 'new heaven'.

Strangely, after the shock and disappointment and the bursting of my plans to go visit him after my graduation, I didn't want to be seen as the 'victim', as someone having been left or nott regarded/loved/appreciated any more. So I decided to write back that regardless of anything, I would still be there for him. I wanted to be noble and be a good sport about it and get acknowledgment at least within this projection of me.

I've never heard anything from him again.

This projection of myself of 'being noble'/'a good sport' about something despite the fact that I was disappointed is a cover-up for the actual experience within me of feeling victimized. The experience that someone had 'treated me badly' 'made' me place myself onto a polarity point of self-perceived 'nobility'/'being honorable', so I didn't have to perceive myself as 'discarded'/''unloved'.

This reminds me of the pistol duels of feudal times when they fought for their honour to settle the demands of the ego by feuds.Wow - I resorted to a middle-aged way to reinstate my 'honour'! - well at least by automatically placing myself onto that point of re-established honour by writing him how I wished to be perceived - as 'honorable' in 'still being there for him' - writing instead of fighting (!) - But, what a self-deception!

So I actually felt my honour was taken from me by him having a new girl-friend. I'm seeing this for the first time! I hadn't taken responsibility for the original experience of feeling victimized/dishonoured.

Interesting also that facets of this are being reflected back to me by my partner within him saying he is 'standing by me' and trying to make me see 'what I've gotten into with Desteni' and my 'seemingly having turned against him'.

It's time to step out of this state of polarity I have placed myself into of honor and victimization and honor myself as life -> change the fighting of internal feuds into pushing myself to honour myself as life.

It was cool to write this out for myself, coz now I can see this a lot more clearly. I can again see that I'm the cause for my experience within my world. The feud has always been only within me/as me. This is the reality I've allowed that has it's roots in the experience within which/as which I wasn't actually Here.

I'll write out some sf on this in the next days (hopefully - coz the mc I'm working on currently leaves little time).

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using breath to stop the experience instead of allowing it within me

Mar 4, '11 7:16 AM for everyone

I have just noticed that I have sometimes been using the word 'stop' and then allowing myself to breathe from the starting point of wanting to stop the experience I was having,instead of allowing me within it to give the points that are here direction. This is a another form of running away! Time to trust myself in handling what is here within self-direction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use 'stop' and breath to stop the experience within and as me, instead of allowing myself within and as me here within and as self-trust and self-direction.

I stop, breathe in and allow myself within the experience of me and direct the points that come up within the next out-breath.

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mind constructs - self-manipulation

Mar 5, '11 5:20 AM for everyone

Working on the first timeline from my mind construct in defining the components and doing sf I saw the following:

Trigger point was my reaction my to husband's judgment of the practitioner I went to. The reaction came due to projecting my self-judgment onto my husband in the point judged by him of ‘he can’t even plug in a computer’ and of my projections onto it of it meaning 'he didn't have the basics' (will get clearer in the following).

Within this, I found I had the word association of 'computer' with 'work', because at the time I didn’t have a computer and was rather unknowledgeable pertaining to computers, so there was a self-identification point with the word ‘basics’ and ‘computer’ and ‘work’ and within that self-responsibility as connected to working as to support myself – being able to work to support myself, which I judged myself not being able to, because the ‘basics’ had been missing at the time for the computer work for translating.

I have created myself within and as the pattern of ‘wanting to make him see his responsibility as being the source/cause of his experience’

- so he would stop judging,

- so I didn’t have to experience myself within his judgment,

- so I didn’t feel 'made responsible' for his experience –

though subconsciously fearing him actually being responsible and stopping,

- because my self-definition of being ‘in contrast to him’ wouldn’t hold true as one of superiority,

- so I would have to see that this is not true/valid and I would be catapulted back within and as the experience of myself as the point of judgment within me as source,

- so I judge and define him ‘as reacting toward me when I turn to people who he defines himself in contrast to’,

- and manipulate myself to be the victim within it,

- so my judgment of him is justified and I don’t have to experience myself within self-judgment of not being fully self-responsible and

- can hide within that projection and judgment and

- hope for some lenience from others who can be drawn into seeing/experiencing the judgment manifest outwardly

- and so wouldn’t expect self-responsibility w/r/t work or judge me for not having the 'basics' and going to work (at the time)

- when I was actually fearing my own self-judgment for this and trying to hide this from me

This pattern is being played out in several shades and variations using mind to hide from the actual experience within and as me. The outcome of one TL is already extensive and very valuable to begin stepping out of year-long patterns that can be seen within the respective mind constructs and begin to live self-responsibly and within and as actual self-direction.

There is still work to be done on this TL even, which is keeping me pretty busy.

1 TL down and about 60 more to go within this mc!!

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pattern: finding someone who is 'worse'

Mar 12, '11 3:05 AM for everyone

Most of the time it starts with a self-judgment or 'bad conscience' issue. For example, I'm drinking a brand of oolong tea that is rather expensive. I had already bought it with a 'bad conscience', but the description sounded great: 'charcoal-roasted tung ting light smoky, sweet, round etc'. I convinced myself that I could give it a try, I had worked a lot, bla bla. So here I was pouring the hot water over it to steep and the bad conscience reported back: It's expensive, I shouldn't drink so much at once, I should be taking more time to really enjoy it, one cup of this costs about 1 euro when I think of the price per cup...I blocked and immediately from out of nowhere my friend who also loves tea was there as the illusional opponent within a discussion I suddenly found myself in! I was 'making her aware' of the fact that she had bought these expensive tea bags, and they had cost even more per cup! Having said that, I could now go ahead and enjoy my tea without any sign of bad conscience!

It has been very helpful when I've been making myself feel bad, when I have an attitude toward something - it seems to be everywhere within my experience of my world, EXCEPT - it's not who I am as Life, as self-expression, as allowing myself Here. It's me as self-judgment, relieved by condemning someone else.

Shit to see this pattern of justifying what I do by saying there is this other person who 'is even worse than me', 'who doesn't do anything', or does something even more to the extreme, who I can blame for making me the victim, just to make me feel better, so I don't have to change anything being a very basic component within me / my mind-as-me - it's totally unworthy of life-as-me.

I was very shocked to realize what I've been doing and how simple this pattern actually is. And how often I've been allowing it within and as me, instead of - for example - enjoying the tea as it is without the emotional tactics of defense and aggression - I mean, this is just about a cup of tea I wanted to enjoy. Period.

It's got to stop. This is not how I want to experience myself!

I stop. No more 'bad conscience' - instead responsible self-direction as starting point within/as breath. No more self-judgment. I do the common sense things in life and stop making me the victim of my criticism and emotions and thus stop trying to turn the situation around in finding someone 'lesser' to attack within my secret mind, just to get my own mind-attacks against myself off my back.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within the pattern of finding someone who is 'worse' than me, who I can attack or blame in my mind to justify what I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attack someone in my secret mind and make myself the victim so I don't have to look at the resistance against doing something within me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm the aggressor within my mind making me the victim = self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to feel better about something and thus find someone who I judge as 'deplorable' and within that make me 'superior' so I don't have to look at what I'm actually doing or allowing and accepting.

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nothing to hold on to

Mar 11, '11 2:36 AM for everyone

Wiping the kitchen counter I suddenly stared out of the window and noticed that I was searching for a thought of something I could hold onto in that moment: What could i eat, or a flash of a word pertaining to 'holiday' / going away to some place came up. I said stop, realizing that my mind was looking for something to present to me as 'something to hold on to', something appealing, something more than 'just being here'. After saying stop there was a hint of 'dire emptiness' that was my mind's idea of not-having anything to enjoy, to divert myself from simply being here.I don't like not 'creating myself into the idea of eating something nice', I reacted with an energetic movement of 'dire emptiness' when stopping mind's suggestions to project myself into a nice idea.

I breathe.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to find myself within thoughts of what to eat or some nice idea of what to do as something to hold onto while doing a 'boring' chore.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label just-being-here as 'dire emptiness'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want something to hold on to in form of a projection into a nice idea of doing something.

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idea - ideal - mind fuck

Mar 12, '11 4:02 PM for barbara's network

I have just found this idea was still dormant within me which I allowed

myself to use as justification for stopping communication

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have this idea

that if I am loved understanding is automatic. Within this, I forgive

myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I didn’t even

have to communicate anything and be understood.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify not

communicating with the disappointment that this isn't true.

Strange ideas...

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Multiply posts from Feb. 2011 - moving everything here

being understood as pre-condition for sharing

Feb 4, '11 4:02 AM for everyone

Just a quick reminder for me - a point I realized within me that I want to look at:

I want to be understood and trusted so when I communicate myself I will not have to fear judgment. So, if I'm not understood = I'm getting reactions from someone, I don't communicate.

fucked - have to investigate

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looking at the communication-'thing' again

Feb 7, '11 8:18 AM for everyone

I'm taking up the point of communication again, because, just today, my daughter called and told me of results of her eye test in connection to another diagnosis she got from the hospital. She had been suffering from severe attacks of headache similar to cluster headaches, but it turned out to be coming from her liquor fluid not being resorbed sufficiently and exerting pressure within her head. The doctors in the hospital called it 'ideopathic intracranial hypertension' and extracted some of the fluid. Well, on the phone she told me of the resulting complications with her eyes and that she was a bit shocked. She wanted to inform me of the results, she said. But I jumped into trying to find solutions, giving advice, analyzing the whole situation for her. She started to cry.

She wanted to be seen for what she was experiencing within herself. She wanted to share herself. And I lounged into 'I would try not to put yourself under so much pressure to succeed', 'you should not take... (the teacher of a subject she'd been ranting about) personally' and so on, to make her see what she was doing to herself and how she was causing the hypertension in her head.

When she started to cry I noticed what i had actually done, what my starting point had been. I wanted her validate me within my experience and analysis of her situation, instead of being Here as me with her sharing of herself.

Well, I was able to tell her that I understand her and say sorry for reacting as I did, but at the time it only helped very little.

I checked my emails and saw she had written that she was sorry and explained what she would have needed and why she had called in the first place. I wrote back what I saw that 'went wrong' on my part.

So, this gave me the impulse to pick up the note I had jotted down as my last entry here, which already holds relevant points that were shown to me within the phone call :

"I want to be understood and trusted so when I communicate of myself I will not have to fear judgment. So, if I'm not understood = I'm getting reactions from someone, I don't communicate."

So I'll take this apart and look at it and what I'm doing when I 'communicate'. The shutting down of communication is something I do with my husband, because with him I encounter the 'most intense' reactions - lol.

I make communication conditional, and I go into spite when I shut down communication. I’m giving up myself as self-direction in and as self-expression due to how I-as-mind interpret reactions that I encounter and within this don’t see that the reactions I encounter reflect back what is Here as me.

So when I realize that I’m holding myself back in communicating, in sharing myself, I must realize that I’ve been allowing the thought of ‘not being understood’ to direct me.

Within this there is a point of judgment:

I’m judging that I’m not being understood. = projecting ‘them not understanding’

I’m judging myself as ‘not being understood’ = comparing the present state with an ideal of being understood as a desired reaction of others towards me when I say something and grading the present state according to a reaction: How well am I understood? Do they resonate back how I feel about what I am sharing to make me feel good? Or more than the information I’m imparting – more than the feeling the information gives me.

So here I have the reason / starting point within which I’ve shared the information: I want to feel ‘more’, a starting point within energy.

And I’m not sharing myself actually in self-expression, but as information with a certain feeling quality.

This is no communication. This is manipulation.

Sharing myself in actuality as myself is and must be unconditional to be self-expression.

The point of fearing judgment is: I want positive feedback = <’positive energy’, BUT I fear getting ‘negative energy’.

So most of my communication is/was based in the starting point of energy: the content of what I share, why I share, with whom I share

To be acknowledged within the energy I am as, within the information I am sharing myself as, to be seen, realized as ‘knowledgeable’ in some way, instead of simply Here as me expressing what and how I’m experiencing myself at the moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be understood and trusted as a condition for communicating.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place the desire of being understood and trusted above myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of others when I communicate

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stop communicating with someone if I fear being judged by him, instead of seeing that I am limiting myself within and as expressing what is here as the experience of me and seeing and correcting my starting point to be that of Here instead of wanting acknowledgment.

I stop myself as ‘fear of judgment’ and thus limitation within sharing and focus on communicating the experience of myself from the starting point of Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into spite and stop communicating when a person i shared myself with doesn’t react according to my ‘wish’ and goes into judgment and opposition.

I stop myself as spite as a reaction of stopping to communicate when the response is not as desired.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reaction of ‘judgment and fear’ of another to what I share reflects my own fear of judgment and my starting point within energy.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my starting point within listening to another is often within and as judgment and opposition, and also the wish to be ‘seen’ within my standpoints when answering.

I allow myself to listen and communicate from the starting point of being Here and acknowledging what is Here as my experience of myself and the other’s experience as it is communicated.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up self-direction within myself as communication and allow fear of reactions toward what I say to direct me into stopping to communicate.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was taking reactions to what I say personally, instead of seeing that when I react to reactions it’s telling me that my starting point was based in energy.

I allow myself to communicate from the starting point of being in and as breath – Here – and communicate of my experience of me with respect to and as a point thereby actually sharing me and not simply information given to manipulate the other to see me in a certain way to get energy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project onto others as ‘them not understanding’ and so judge myself as ‘not being understood’, wherein I compare the present state, as perceived, with an ‘ideal’ of ‘being understood’ as a desired reaction of others towards me.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to want others to ‘resonate back’ a positive feeling as the feeling I have within myself toward the point of information I’m sharing, instead of sharing unconditionally of who-I-am as the experience of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a means to manipulate someone for energy.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I wasn’t communicating, but manipulating.

I allow myself to share myself in actuality, unconditionally, as and within self-expression.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that fearing judgment was the fear of getting the ‘wrong’ reaction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to share certain things / points with certain people only, due to the desire for a certain ‘feedback’ within and as energy, instead of sharing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to abuse the experience of myself, when shared, as something to get an energetic feedback with.

I allow myself to share myself unconditionally and thus respect and honour myself and the other within this sharing of the experience of me.

I allow myself to share the experience of others unconditionally in listening and being Here as me with them, and breathing when reactions of 'wanting to help' come up because I can't stand to hear of their suffering.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't bear to hear of the suffering of another and thinking I have to help and deal with the problem for them, thus placing myself above them.

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'It's urgent'?

Feb 21, '11 6:01 AM for barbara's network

Today I checked my emails and opened a mail from a friend from whom I was more or less expecting an answer on my last note. The topic read 'It's urgent - please respond' and her name as the sender. It said: 'It’s me.... I don't mean to inconvenience you right now, I made a trip to UK and I misplaced my luggage that contains my passport and credit cards. I know this may sound odd but it all happened very fast. I need to get a new passport and a ticket, but I'm short of funds. Please, can you lend me some funds to get a ticket? I shall pay you back.' and a 'hotel' number. My first reaction was - oh, that's why I haven't heard from her! And the urgent tone let me rush up, grab a pen, jot down the number and jump to the phone. I wondered what she was doing in the UK. Then I looked at the phone number and realized that I didn't have the international telephone code for the UK. I was still in a hectic mode. I judged myself for not knowing the countries codes and for not being efficient in these things. I went back to the computer considering getting the code from the internet, but then reread the mail. This was the first time after having read the line 'it's urgent' that I allowed myself to breathe! Only then the realization opened up that this is a scam. The email addresses were very similar to each other, there was only one letter that differed in the provider name.

I decided to test what would happen, if I wrote back, if the mail had come from her and I used the address I always use - I didn't use the reply function. A mail response was made almost immediately:

"I'm delighted you responded. I'm sorry I couldn't call because I misplaced my luggage that contains my valuables and documents. Could you please lend me £1,200 to add up with what I have, in order to get a ticket home and pay bills over here? I promise to pay back whatever you can assist me with, as soon as I get home. Let me know so that I can forward you my information to send funds via western union money transfer." Well that was clear enough! The sum (!), she doesn't have my phone number, nor would she write like this. - LOL!

So I wrote her a pm and did a virus scan.

This event was indeed very revealing, particularly to see that:

• Only once I allowed myself to actually breathe, i.e. looking at the whole thing 'unrushed' / in breath, I was able to see the deceptive intent.
• I react to the words 'it's urgent' in connection with someone I like.
• I go into patterns of rushing when I believe 'it's urgent'
• Within this pattern I don't use common sense
• I even judge myself for not having all the information in order to comply with this 'demand for urgency'
• If I have the expectation toward something I will not see what is actually Here (I expected to hear from her)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the belief of something 'being urgent' just because it is written in connection to someone I like.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect an answer to something I write thus not being Here, but in mind when I go through my mails.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I should rush to help immediately as soon as someone declares it to be urgent, without considering the information at hand first.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rush to get more information without considering what I have here in front of me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe and be Here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the idea of something being urgent above me and thus separate myself from what is Here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having certain information ready at all times.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the urgency of something, and thus forget to breathe and be Here to see what is going on.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the person (s) writing this mail as impertinent, instead of seeing I was judging myself for not having realized the intent of this mail immediately.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously believe that it's urgent for me to act when someone says it's urgent for him/her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up my self-direction when I hear 'it's urgent!'.

When someone says it's urgent I allow myself to breathe first and be Here.

I stop expecting answers to mails. (lol)

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false sense of stability

Feb 21, '11 8:23 AM for everyone

A thought flashed through my head while in the bathroom as I breathed in: I've done this, this and this and then I have enough time for the next point on my schedule and then I breathed out. Within that I realized that this was giving me a sense of stability. This thought of having everything placed at it's allotted time in a schedule gave me the sense of having everything under control, this in turn giving me a sense of stability - false stability obviously. If anything were to kick me out of this schedule, where would the sense of stability go? Down the drain!

I will stop the thought of having everything under control and thus placing control above me.

I'll investigate further... a bit later.

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blocking out my creator status

Feb 23, '11 5:48 PM for everyone

Working on the current mind construct I'm doing, I found that there was a whole 'era' in my life that played into the construct, which I hadn't given any thought to when doing the 'gathering of information part' or even some 'stages' later. It really opened my eyes to how I had actually unknowingly set the stage for the events to play out by not 'owning' my thoughts = participating in thoughts and feelings and also suppressing them, not wanting them to be true, not wanting to even look at them to see where they were coming from, and what they had to do with me / why I was participating.

It was cool to see several points being drawn back to self that way. Also it was shocking how we as mind isolate certain memories in such a way so we don't see that we are the creators of our reality! We don't want to be, because it seems to be easier to find someone else at fault. So we don't have to be re-spons-able. We limit ourselves on purpose. Strange.

This is one (of very many) constructs to be worked through with self-forgiveness. Actually, I'm looking forward to it, despite its extensiveness. There are still the individual elements to look at and define first.

I'm realizing more and more how much every thought I participate in can add up to blow up into my face!

Time to stop and be responsible for what is going on in my secret mind. To change the experience of me and how I create my world.

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one short feeling of confidence...

Feb 25, '11 4:16 PM for everyone

Should be working on my mind construct. I had wanted it to be finished by tonight, at least the part of naming the components, but I am here browsing the blog posts. And well, at least posting some lines...

I know I'm avoiding going into it again. I let myself participate in some thoughts suggesting that I'm not naming the components 'correctly' and 'I should start over and have a closer look'. And that 'I should interrupt my work and write down some questions and send to my buddy' and wait for her answer first. Then I decided to read up on the material on the respective lessons and made some notes. Then the usual routine of the day: work, cooking, cleaning up etc., and now again the resistance. Just because I bought into these few thoughts.

Before going into this part of the mc I was actually looking forward to doing it. I felt confident. How come did these thoughts manage to 'pursuade' me to react to them? The thought that the list of components I had in front of me isn't complete? What other components could possibly fit into this line of information? I might be missing one. I'm not seeing all the dimensions within this - DOUBT building up into SELF-DOUBT.

Stop!

I'm going to get this done. line by line, breath by breath!

ha - 'I felt confident' ---> polarity set-up --> self-doubt

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'it's good for me' - consequences of overindulgence - self-abuse

Feb 28, '11 2:43 AM for everyone

Since I found out that i needed to change my diet, I have been eating meat more often, though I had to push myself initially. With respect to my additction to bread, however, I have allowed myself to enter self-deception. I read that with blood type 0 the only type of grain one can metabolize is rye and then only when it has been allowed to germinate for 2-3 days before processing. Well, I was rather enthusiastic about giving my diet some 'positve' direction = changing it to support the body and thus me, however, within this I overindulged in baking Essene bread myself, loving it and eating it. It had become a symbol for 'having changed my diet to support blood type 0'. I had entered a routine of eating 2 rolls of this type of bread every morning. I did this inspite of having tested out that it was ok to eat only about 3-4 of these per week.

Initially I was interested in this diet, because my facial skin showed eruptions of lymph fluids, or something like that, some clear fluid that didn't fester. I also had this on parts of my neck. These had gotten better at first. Then the enthusiasm set in with the bread and I got carried away. Now the skin is really acting up to a degree that I finally looked at the matter again.

So yesterday I muscle-tested some points and found out that this condition was connected to the large intestines and on asking about the bread and how many rolls were supportive - none! Since I am also doing a detoxification with olive leaf extract and klinopure (zeolith = something volcanic) I also checked whether that was at the right dosage, which it wasn't.

It was once again interesting to see how the body has its own language for showing me what it/I need(s). And how I-as-mind get carried away by the idea that 'it's good for me' as a justification to indulge. I've allowed it to become a pattern of 'I am supporting my body' = doing something good/positive, thus keeping myself busy = procrastinating essential things, and feeding my ego/personality = making more of substance/reality than is actually real.

I packed the remaining rolls into the freezer and today I'll get some fruit as a substitute.

As I'm writing this the realization entered my awareness that I had been judging the condition of my skin when looking into the mirror and allowing frustration. Then and there I should have investigated using the tools I have (muscle communication, writing), but instead I believed the thought 'I need to drink more water' and 'I can still cover it up' thus pushing away the frustration and actually doing nothing about the cause of it.

Ok, now I have just tested the state of my large intestines w/r/t optimal/limited functioning on a scale from 1-10, 10 being very limited functioning and I got a 6. I really need to take care of this!

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea of supporting myself as the body as an idea of the mind and getting carried away within it, thus giving up self-direction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up self-direction and place the idea of 'supporting myself'/'it is good for me' above me and use it as a justification for overindulgence, procrastination and ego.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to overindulge in eating bread and justifying this with 'it is good for me'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify overindulgence in eating bread by participating in the thought 'I don't know what else to eat'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think about eating and what to eat, instead of being one and equal with the body and self-directing me within and as breath here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as ideas, instead of realizing that within this I am not Here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as the body specifically the large intestines by overindulging in eating bread.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated over the state of my skin instead of realizing that the body is communicating what is Here, and to listen, and not engage in the emotion.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my skin is showing me how much I'm abusing myself as the body.

I stop overindulgence.

I direct myself as and within breath thus allowing my body as me to point out it's needs.

I stop judging myself as and within the condition of my skin.

I realize the skin is showing me how much I'm abusing my body and so I stop this.

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