barbara's blog

2012 Directing points that have come up in a dream – Process blog

I’m looking at a dream I had last night, picking up its elements in re-walking it and bringing it back to self as source-origin to see points of separation that I am allowing within and as me; a point of separation being an aspect of/as self, wherein I am not living myself as equal and one as best for all.

I am experiencing myself to be at a point/situation in my life circumstances of/as me wherein a decision has been made to stop myself within points of self-abuse, self-manipulation and self-sabotage that I acted out within and as a relationship that reflected these components back at me as if actually originating from outside of myself – believing myself to be the victim of/within the relationship when in fact it was all about my relationship toward myself and what I had and have allowed and accepted as and within me within my perception of myself, within placing myself into and as a relationship to myself as ‘inner’ and ‘outer’ self. Consequently, within stopping myself, there is change, because stopping something will obviously bring about a ‘void’ wherein something else is able to be created. I perceive this dream I had as a support in showing me how I-as-mind relate to what is here at the moment.

I dreamed I was standing in the door of a room. I was looking inside seeing a dull cloth on a bed. A deep impression of ‘deterioration through time’ came across and seemed to take a hold of me. Everything in the room was decrepit, lifeless, flat and dull. I was aware of myself as/within ‘a consequence being due’, of ‘now having to leave’, ‘move to the city’ [‘city’ simply holding the meaning/idea of ‘the big-unknown’ ] and establish myself there, which held some’ fear’ of the future; and at the same time seeing what I had created, accepted, allowed as and within me up to this now-moment. And the realization /feeling of aloneness within-that arose. A deep cry of desperation released itself within me, and it seemed as if something had died inside me.

Here are the associations that revealed themselves when pondering on the dream after waking up, and I’ll see what else comes up:

- a room = ‘an inner reality’ – here a mind-state that is no longer nourished/fed with attention, thought, feeling, emotion; the ‘death of an inner room’ – a room of/as consciousness that is no longer being maintained with energy: consciousness(-as-me) fearing its own death (one dimension)

- the fact that I was standing in the door looking inside being in contrast to standing in the room, thus looking at something that doesn’t embrace me nor confine me

- the emotions indicate self-compromise w/r/t self-honesty: the allowance and participation in and as ‘desperation’ within the realization of ‘aloneness’ within and as the process of ‘establishing myself’

- the impression of ‘deterioration through time’ that marked and impregnated this inner reality within/as me as the room and cloth (my body and skin as ‘aging’) – (another dimension/level of perception)

- myself as and within consciousness having sucked life out of what is substance that now is dull/lifeless/decrepit/flat

- ‘departure’ from this particular specific reality to something dreaded/feared because ‘unknown’ (fear of change, fear of loss, fear of death)

- the realization of the degree of separation from life/substance as the source/origin of me that I had allowed and accepted within/as me up till now and the consequence that is here to be faced

- realizing I am alone in facing myself and actually walking myself back to life as the physical because I am the source and origin of my experience of/as/within me, thus I am the one that must allow myself as and within self-will, self-direction and self-application --- which however births ‘a being able to’ direct myself into and as self-willed self-application

- despair at being ‘too old’/decrepit/lifeless/dull to walk these consequences

- regret at what I have allowed/accepted and now having to face and walk the consequences


This is what I’m seeing so far. I will continue with self-forgiveness to give myself back to me walking these threads of information back to self as origin – placing these associations in/as statements that allow me to realize myself as the point of origin and source of these self-perceptions and of my relationship to and within self.