2012 - Anger as a spear of self within self

I’ve been working on Resonant Designs within SRA (structural resonance alignment course /desteni I process) and my buddy suggested to start with redefining 'anger', as this has been a major point within and as me - suppressed to a great deal. Specifically in one timeline that I had written I hadn't even been able to realize that the underlying emotion was 'anger' - I had blocked it out so completely and would rather have called it 'confusion' just to not have to completely revisit the experience. Only after accessing the experience together on chat had I been able to re-enter that moment and stand equal to it/me, thus be Here for me/with me/as Self Here and see what was 'going on' within me. There were other 'lines'/instances wherein this particular emotion showed up, more or less unrecognized at first glance (sometimes second and third glance even), together with experiences of, as and within blame, insecurity, hurt, submission, fear and humiliation. Anyway, it made total sense to me to have a closer look at 'anger' - the definitions to be found on the internet and my own associations. And then to redefine the word to hold its pure sounding without polarity so as to be able to stand into eternity.

The points I found I am sharing here:

‘He who angers you conquers you’ Sister Elizabeth Kenny

Dictionary (Longman’s online dictionary)
an‧ger [uncountable]

1 a strong feeling of wanting to hurt or criticize someone because they have done something bad to you or been unkind to you:
Paul's face was filled with anger.

in anger
'It's a lie!' he shouted in anger.

anger at
She struggled to control her anger at her son's disobedience.
There is growing anger among the people against the government.

So I can be in anger and blame some outside event for my being ‘in anger’ which is ‘anger at’ and there is ‘anger against’.
do/use something in anger

to do or use something for the first time, or in a real situation:
He joined the club last month, but has yet to kick a ball in anger.

Strangely ‘in anger’ also means doing something for the first time or in a real situation

This brought up the memory of actually being angry at having to provide for myself for the first time when leaving home like ‘doing something for real’ – it was as if it was somehow dad’s fault I had to take care of myself; as if dad or the world was to blame, and there was self-pity.
Thus anger at ‘being left alone’ to fend for myself, blaming males for this, when trust has been relinquished, because I had relied on comfort and support
----

(w/r/t TL) Blame; thinking it was unfair, a situation of trespassing  anger
Somehow he was angry at me, spanked me and I reacted allowing anger.

From the internet (‘emotional competency’ emotionalcompetency.com):

Collocations: To cope with anger, vent anger, breed anger, react in anger, violent anger, to deal with anger, control anger, channel anger, constructive anger, destructive anger, self-righteous anger, passive anger

Associated words: Annoyance, irritation, aggravation, agitation, frustration, peeved, annoyed, miffed, sulking, offended, bitter, indignation, exasperation, incensed, pissed, outrage, hostile, spite, vengefulness, resentment, wrath, rage, fury, ferocity, livid;

Bitterness describes a long-lasting result of unresolved anger; hatred a form of anger because you blame the other for your difficulties when you decide to hate them

- Indignation: self-righteous anger
- Sulking: passive anger
- Exasperation: anger at having your patience unduly tried
- Revenge: a deliberate response to an offense, delayed until after a period of reflection

Definitions and Analysis
Many definitions of anger have been proposed. These include:

1. An unjust insult, an unfair slight, or
2. A conspecific threat, or
3. Response to thwarted goals, or
4. An agent causes loss of a goal, or
5. Loss attributed to an agent, or
6. An urgent signal to prepare for change, or
7. A plea for justice, or
8. A biological core related to combativeness, or
9. Judging another person as being wrong or deserving to be punished, or
10. Blaming another person for our own unmet needs, or
11. Displeased by the appraisal of an event while disapproving of another’s action, or
12. an aroused, often heated state in combining a compellingly felt sense of being wronged or frustrated, or
13. Response to trespass

However, the definition that seems to be most precise, and provides the most insight is:

• Anger is an emotion,
• resulting from a perceived loss,
• attributed to a willful agent, and
• judged as unfair.

Let's examine this definition closely. Because anger is an emotion, it evokes a physiological response. In the case of anger, this is usually a strong arousal. Often the arousal is so strong it can lead immediately to an ugly, destructive, and unnecessary “anger display” of shouting, threatening, and even violence if it is unchecked. A wide variety of perceived losses can trigger anger. This may include having your possessions stolen, abused, or destroyed. It can also involve loss of stature or ego, such as when you lose a competition, suffer an insult, or are humiliated. The idea of “trespass” is important here, because the person trespassed against often considered it as a form of loss. Sadness, as well as grief and depression, are other emotions arising from a loss. The distinction between anger and sadness is the role of the “willful agent”. An agent is someone who acted deliberately. For example, if you lose your pet because it dies of natural causes, you are sad, but not angry. If your pet is killed by a malicious or even a careless person, you are angry at that person. You are angry because you believe that person acted with the deliberate intent to cause you harm. Now it has become a deliberate act and a personal affront. Often the willful agent is yourself. Extending the previous example, you may blame yourself for the loss of your pet if you believe you did not take sufficient care of the pet, or if you believe you could have done more to protect the pet and prevented the loss. Finally, to result in anger, you have to judge the willful agent as acting unfairly. If you lose a tennis match, you may be sad. If you believe the opponent cheated, or the referee made a mistake, this is unfair, and you become angry.


What did I perceive losing? Loss of dignity, trust – feeling humiliated (TL: being spanked by Dad)


Benefits and Dangers of Anger

The anger mechanism would not have survived millions of years of evolution if it did not provide important survival benefits. Here are some of those benefits: (again from the 'emotionalcompetency.com website)

• Anger tells us that something needs to change.
• Anger can provide the motivation to constructively change whatever it was that caused the anger. It can energize the fight for legitimate rights. It contributed to eliminating slavery and apartheid, and lead to women's suffrage and civil rights. Anger can motivate us to overcome oppression and topple a tyrant.
• Anger can provide the motivation to constructively correct an injustice. It urges us to act on our sense of justice.
• Anger can provide the motivation to constructively teach offenders what they did to make you angry, and to learn to act differently.
• Anger can help to reduce or overcome fear and provide the energy needed to mobilize needed change.
• Anger sends a powerful signal that informs others of trouble. It notifies the offender that you have perceived an offense.
• Anger helps us to preserve our ego and think good of ourselves.
• Anger is a normal response to an external stimulus that needs to be addressed.

One of the most dangerous features of anger is that expressing anger increases the anger of others. This can lead to a rapid and dangerous escalation. We may try to harm the target of our anger. We often wish them harm. The impulse to harm is probably a central part of the anger response for most people. While anger can be dangerous and must be constrained, it cannot and should not be eliminated.

Anger as Hurt, Hate, or Fear

A general feeling of anger may result from more specific feelings of hurt (due to loss, sadness, shame, or humiliation), hate, or fear. It can be helpful to examine your anger to see if has these more specific origins or meanings.

Related Moods and Traits

Irritability is the mood associated with anger. If you are in an irritable mood, you require less provocation to become angry. You may also be described as having a bad temper. This may also be described as grouchy, grumpy, or being in a bad mood.

Hostility is the personality trait associated with anger. Hostile people are more likely to become angry.

A hot head or someone with a bad temper, is anyone who has poor impulse control and moves quickly from anger toward rage, dramatic anger displays, and even overt violence. These people may also have hostile personalities. They often have a fragile self-esteem and are hypersensitive to criticism or disrespect. Privately they see themselves as weak, vulnerable, and not particularly strong, capable, or worthy. They fear humiliation. To bolster their own opinion of themselves they believe others should show them respect and acknowledge their high stature. If others fail to demonstrate respect they are dismissed as unfriendly, critical, and hostile.

The definition of Aversion is:

Exaggerated wanting to be separated from someone or something. (Exact opposite of Attachment.) Because the label of "unpleasant" is very relative and based upon limited information, aversion includes an aspect of exaggeration or "projection".

The definition of Anger is:

Being unable to bear the object, or the intention to cause harm to the object. Anger is defined as aversion with stronger exaggeration.


My associations:

Anger: action, ang.st/fear, energy, anger : enger = German = tighter -> constriction, tightness --- fear and tightness that ‘wants out’/direction, a lingering undirected movement within; broiling; projected at/towards someone;
in ‘fear turned to blame’ for humiliation, shame, loss of ego status; loss of trust; sadness; hurt, disappointment due to loss of care and comfort

an-ger : ger = spear ( a weapon to throw at someone) – Ger.hard = someone who can throw a spear hard


new definition:

in anger: in a spear -- carrying self within and as a spear;
anger at = directing/projecting a spear of and as self at s.th./s.o.
participating in anger: participating in and as self as/within a spear

These redefinitions have been the first stepping stone within the new assignment regarding backchat and the amazing intricacies that were revealed in this section of the course.
Being responsible for what I allow within and as myself I thus had the words for the experience that I had held onto wordlessly until now to change what has been lived in suppression.
After having worked through the rest of the assignment I now clearly see what I have been participating in and to what extent I had allowed and accepted myself to become – which I am able to change at last and be more self-directed and self-responsible.

Thus walking the procedure within the assignment and writing out the sf statements together with the self-corrective statements has been completely revealing and 'wholesome', an actual giving me back to myself. It's like decades of my life being clarified and 'here as me' in a way that now there is no urge to use these buried emotions as 'a spear' against myself and 'relevant others'.