2012 - Behavior-pattern ‘seeking acceptance as safety’

Here I’m looking at a construct I have found myself in and as - of ‘seeking acceptance as safety’ wherein I perceive myself as ‘safe when I feel accepted’.

When I find myself in a situation of ‘first contact’ in getting to know someone for business or in other circumstances I usually step into a mode of seeking the person’s acceptance, because I then feel comfortable and safe in the situation of and as communicating. On entering the conversation I tend to submit myself to the idea/projection/evaluation of others’ opinion and attitude of/towards me. In that I desire to feel accepted thus ‘safe’.

I can remember a time as a teenager, when I still lived at home, this construct had gone so far as that I feared coming back home from a vacation stay at my cousin’s place and suddenly desiring something that represented that stability and acceptance that my cousin had meant to me. Something that ‘functioned’ as a symbol of this ‘acceptance’ thus ‘safety’ for me to hold onto within my mind – thus I certainly did not experience myself as ‘safe’ in and of me.

In that I am not seeing/perceiving the other as who-he-is but only through the filter of ‘does he/she accept me’ and, if so, then ‘I am safe’. In that I am creating myself within and as the polarity of safe/unsafe due to accepted/not-accepted as projection/interpretation. Thus I am constantly continuously assessing/evaluating the situation I find myself in as a perception of how I experience the other relating to me/seeing me - as liking or disliking me. And as an outflow I access a personality that will most probably ‘make me’ liked/accepted so as to ‘be safe’. Thus the starting point possession within which I am allowing myself is one of trying to get the other to accept me and thus is in fact manipulation and self-manipulation – not honoring me nor the other being as life here.

In that - there is no self-trust, no breath, no self-expression, no life, no self as who I actually am – no self-acceptance. Within this resonance design I am submitting myself to the idea as projected ‘feedback’ they/others give me on whether I am accepted/ok, thus safe with them / within this idea that becomes a self-experience which I trust over the actual physical being here as breath.

Within this I rather copy and be alike than be who-I-really-am. I allowed myself as the experience of ‘fear of insanity’ within ‘not being accepted’ and within that an inner and outer search for ‘guidelines/structure/something stable to hold onto’ as ‘stable acceptance of me’ to be able to ‘survive’/’cope’/’express myself/’manage’ within each and every moment. - In that, I am allowing myself to place myself under the constant pressure of being vigilant within assessing the situation I am in - this especially in new situations where no prior information of ‘acceptance through the other/others’ has been established.


Within the following I am placing above realizations into self-forgiveness statements to reinstate myself as the source origin of what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself within and as the construct of ‘seeking acceptance as safety’. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate an experience of ‘being safe’ with ‘being accepted’ and create a causal relationship between the two, where an experience of ‘safety’ arises when I feel ‘accepted’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that safety exists.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to prove to myself that being Here in and as the physical within and as breath in every moment thus being real is a ‘safety’ of sorts, because it is real and stable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the idea/projection/evaluation of others opinion and attitude of/towards me thus only ‘feeling safe’ when I ‘feel accepted’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘safety’ and ‘acceptance’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself as life within the polarity construct of feeling safe/secure and feeling insecure and nervous. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being safe within fearing not being accepted and thus avoiding conflict.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as the physical, as substance, as me, but instead subject myself to a feeling experience of ‘safety’ as acceptance and place it above me as something to be attained in each and every situation with others and within a relationship in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify that I ‘need to be accepted to be able to communicate and express myself’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot communicate and express myself freely, if I have to fear not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within and as self-expression by believing that I need to be ‘accepted and safe’ to allow myself within self-expression and communication.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am giving my power away to an idea/belief, to something that is not real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to confuse safety with stability. I realize that stability is here as and within breath in every moment. ‘Safety’ means ‘saving ties’. Thus, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tie myself to relationships wherein I feel safe and accepted.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place safety as my idea of stability outside of myself and trust a projection/idea of ‘being accepted’ above me, only thus allowing myself to feel comfortable, safe, accepted, ok, valued, free, able to express and communicate as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a sort of safety when there was someone there of/as acceptance with accumulated moments of acceptance of me or even something representing this acceptance either as an object that is ‘comforting’ due to a memory attached, in form of a shared moment, or a ritual that has been undergone together like drinking a cup of tea together or familiar music being played or being accessible, or knitting within the idea of creating something like the one the other had created.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within seeking acceptance starts with a probing and assessing of the other’s position toward me which I then automatically take as a basis on which the way I participate further is ‘decided on’ taking for granted or as a sort of ‘pre-set value’ that I ‘need’ his/her ‘acceptance of me’ to ‘feel safe’ and express myself freely.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the idea that I need to ‘feel safe’ and ‘accepted’ before I express myself freely, because of an idea that only then what I express is valued and thus I am valued.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire that what I express is valued and ‘taken seriously’/contemplated/considered. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make others’ reactions toward what I say or how I express a personal matter in taking reactions personally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only ‘feel safe’ with someone and express freely when my assessment of the other and the situation is ‘positive’/’accepting of me’ and conversely, if the assessment of the other and the situation is ‘negative’/’unaccepting’/critical , I go into tension and I feel constricted in my physical human body and accordingly in expressing myself freely.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look out for signals/signs of the other being ‘well-intentioned’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret the others’ stance toward me within the starting point of wanting to influence the other to like me/find me sympathetic so I ‘will be accepted’ and ‘safe’ thus allowing and accepting myself within manipulation and self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to employ a personality consisting of traits that I know others react positively to/towards and thus I can expect to ‘feel safe’, instead of honouring the other and myself within and as life within and as the Here-moment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to honour myself and the other as Life, and thus myself not-taking me nor the other ‘seriously’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself within and as Life and instead place the condition onto each moment that I participate with others that it has to be ‘positive’, I have to ‘feel accepted’ in order to allow myself to feel comfortable and express myself freely.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable within and as me unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to copy/imitate traits/behaviorisms from others in my teenage years and employ these within a personality, instead of allowing myself to be here within and as breath and directing myself according to common sense and the best of all.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to search for ‘guidelines’/’structure’/’something stable’ to’ hold onto’, like a ‘stable acceptance of me’ to be able to ‘survive/cope/express/manage’ myself within each and every moment. Within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I am allowing myself to place myself under constant pressure of being ‘vigilant’ within assessing the situation I am in, especially in new situations where no prior information of ‘acceptance through the other/others’ has been ‘established as platform’ that I trust(ed).

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my trust on a ‘platform’ of beliefs of the mind that is not real, instead of trusting self.


SCS:
When and as I perceive myself stepping into the behavior pattern as personality design of and as ‘seeking acceptance as safety’, I immediately stop and take a deep in-breath. This is a major flagpoint as indication for me that I am now in the process of, in the resonance/personality design, trying to establish a ‘feeling of being accepted and safe’ as a platform for communication and expression.
I assert myself into and as the physical through/by taking a couple of breaths to get myself out of the resonance design, into and as the real resonance of me as the physical and allow myself as true communication within and as being Here with the other, thus honoring me and the other / ‘taking me as them seriously’ in and as the moment Here and trusting myself within self-expression in every moment.