I’ve been working on my mind construct on ‘work/job/career/money’ for the last couple of weeks and it was interesting to see how I have defined myself with respect to my work and what thoughts, feelings and patterns I have been entertaining in this area. At first I had thought that this area in my life is not one of great influence or conflict, but that I’m actually rather balanced and satisfied within and as it, all in all. Granted, I am currently not having to rely on supporting myself entirely on my own financially and thus am not subjected to the extreme pressure and challenges one faces in the current monetary system. Nevertheless, what I have been able to see was still far from ‘standing as self’ within self-expression and unconditional self-trust and self-enjoyment.
I want to share the major points that I have uncovered through writing out the various thoughts and situations together with the memories that came up when opening up the topic. So here is what I have positioned myself as, in separation from myself:
knowledge, superiority of education and at the same time inferiority, comparison, effort, ideas of trustworthiness by being on time , ideas of reliability, presenting myself as competent, reputation, manipulation, self-manipulation, ideas of making it on my own, efficiency in scheduling, desire of security, counting on money coming in, self-suppressions, inadequacy, self-manipulation, energy deficits, energy boosts, envy, desire for appreciation and recognition, making someone feel indebted, self-pity, boredom with the subject matter, blame, self-sacrifice, seeking diversion, wanting to spark interest in students (manipulating), frustration, ideas of being constrained in a career, being un-free, selling my life, bad conscience in a marriage situation, fear of being overwhelmed by details, frustration, not-comprehending, not getting anywhere, being drained, recharging...
Having revealed and laid out all these aspects and more before me by walking the timelines of the construct that I’ve projected myself into as a whole and looking at my starting point within and as them, I could see the many ways through which I was missing the actuality of being Here as me, as Self within and as the breath. I’ve been allowing myself to get ‘lost’ in beliefs such as ‘the curriculum being repetitive and boring’ and basing hours of my life within and as this starting point of myself believing this experience of myself to be factual and based on reality.
I mean, if I am based on a starting point based on perceptions, how can I actually trust the experience of myself within Life? I will remain in the illusionary realms of the mind and I will again have reinforced the creation of myself as a hologram holding my own essence/Life under suppression. And in addition, I will be fuelling all the respective systems by not directing myself within and as them accordingly.
It was also cool to realize some old patterns that I have been participating within and as in other areas of my life when deconstructing this field of application here. For example it suddenly dawned on me that I have been subconsciously or even unconsciously serving the need for others to be indebted to me according to my perception, so that I would be in a position of perceived superiority and thus be able to draw on or count on their abilities or effort when I feel 'incompetent' or ‘deficient’ in a way.
Interesting also to have realized that my position toward money and the current money system reflects me within and as energy / mind specifically in the point of saving money for fear of not having the money to support myself in a projected situation, wherein I am actually trying to save energy for fear of not having the energy within and as myself to support myself in the future. This means I don’t trust myself in supporting myself in all aspects as Life as me, but separate myself into the energy I ‘need’ to do this and ‘save’ this energy in its manifested form as money.
So, in a nutshell, it was quite supportive to delve into these intricacies of the mind that I’ve been accepting and allowing as me and seeing how dissatisfied I had actually been within them / as them. And now with the self-forgiveness being said and self-corrective statements written out, I can stop the respective projections, ideas, manipulations, patterns, etc. and allow myself Here (a bit more) within and as breath, self-trust, self-enjoyment and stability.
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