A friend I had known from school suddenly died 2 days after we had seen each other on our graduation day reunion. She was found lying on the floor in her apartment. Heart failure. She was my age. Nobody would have thought this possible. She had looked good, healthy, happy.
I heard of her death after having made a comment on some photos another friend had placed on facebook of our old school. He sent me an email telling me shortly after I had posted it.
It is strange how unbelievable it was to me. Death suddenly happening to someone I had just recently seen, joked with, embraced. I had to, again, realize that death can suddenly ‘happen’. We can’t a-void death – 'avert the void'. We can’t control when, where and how it happens. We feel powerless witnessing it. Though we know that it will inevitably happen, no matter what.
What do we actually fear when thinking of death ‘happening’ to us? For me it’s about not being any more. Not being here any more. Not touching anymore. But also there is emptiness when I consider death. It’s similar to ‘so what?’. What would I actually be giving up? Identity? I don’t think I’ll ‘need’ identity when I’m dead. Definitely not. --- I won’t being needing anything – there won’t be a body to take care of. Nothing to drive around in a car, so I won’t need that, and no money that I’d have to earn. The relationships I have would fall away, at least as an external factor. I understand myself to still be here in a way, but totally stripped. I would be thrown back unto myself all at once, without diversion. Without a place to hide from myself. This is what I still allow myself to do sometimes, too often.
This hiding takes place within ‘identity’. We place the idea of ourselves into self-definitions which we defend as if it were us in real. We fear letting go of personal things, such as our thoughts, our feelings and emotions, the stuff we learned, our memories, our relationships. We fear being in different, unaccustomed situations, having to experience ourselves differently. We fear change. We fear loss. We fear the future and giving up our plans for it, and we fear ourselves within all this. So we hold onto external ‘values’. We have almost no self-intimacy and self-realization. We have learned to place our trust outside of ourselves and so we even hold onto to our daily routine to give us structure. We have created ourselves as ideas and projections into the future based on memories of the past.
We have become the observer and planner of our lives. We do not actually participate in and as life and value life as the essence of who we are. So in death, as the latest point in our lives, we will see how little is actually left of us, how little substantiality of what we have created as us is left, if at all. The ‘Hereness’ that we have created as ourselves will be faced in its totality sooner or later.
Better sooner, now and Here, where we still have a chance to walk ourselves into being real, into life as substance, into the living proof that we are worthy of life and not just projections.
Basically this process is about sourcing all points in existence as self and identifying the points within and as me that have created me to be how and who I am in this moment here.
This means that I speak self-forgiveness on the points in my existence which have formed a relationship in separation with another existence, source or origin. Thus I can dislodge the control this relationship as consciousness has as something that has become more than me through separation.
So every time I interpret myself and my reality through thoughts and information, even those that I have accepted as my truth, I say stop and allow myself to breathe. I forgive myself for believing the respective thought to be true. I realize that I have filtered the information through my mind according to my self-definition. I realize that the information I receive is based on the knowledge of self as accepted by self through the mind. I allow myself to direct myself within and as common sense.
I understand that this will be a very lengthy process. It is not possible to 'a-void death' because the death of identifications, self-definitions, perceptions, interpretations, pictures, memories, everything locking myself into the mind consciousness system is the void I must walk through to get to / become who I really am as Life. Though I realize I am already Here. Everything is already Here as me.
I will myself back to Life, one and equal, Here, until it is done.
See also Origin of Self on youtube and the transscript on the desteni forum.
And the desteni-i-process on http://desteniiprocess.com as 'life-saving' support for self-support.
