Last night in bed reading an interview of a crossover experience I 'zoomed in on' the expression that was used: 'I want to share the experience of me when I crossed over' - something I had heard and read often, but suddenly this brought me back here. Also I had recently watched the film 'Shutter Island' again and afterwards listened to Sunette's analysis of it and its specificity to elements of all levels of the mind - basically saying that the film as such is a reflection of where we stand within and as our process, it being the reflection of our unconscious mind & in it the specific elements and roles of the characters having pertainance to where and who we 'are' at the moment. So within this I allowed myself to have another look at my experience of me within my life in and as the 'island' that I created myself as - in particular the emotion of anger that I recently participated in when talking with my husband. Suddenly I had access to the root of the anger within me, seeing that there is blame due to 'him not fulfilling' my desire of being seen for who I am - for taking his own perception based on desires, preconception, pictures, ideals etc. of the mind when interacting with me as a starting point. Anyway I blamed him for not reflecting back to me ME, who I seemed to have 'lost' way back, who I was looking for, instead of allowing myself Here, standing as and within me and thus encountering this reflection of me as me. So he of course reflected me as who I have allowed myself to become as and of the mind. - Which I actually blame myself for and am angry at within and as me.
I did the self-forgiveness in bed. Now I want to write out the self-corrective statements so I have them here to get back to, if necessary:
When and as I see myself getting mad at my husband, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is due to me being angry at me due to my giving my power away to him in my desire and then blame based on him not reflecting back to me and reciprocating who-I-really-am and instead participating in mind when perceiving me and communicating to me. I realize that I am giving my power away to someone ‘separate’/outside of me who I haven’t allowed myself to stand as, because I’m not allowing myself to be Here as and within me. I realize that I haven’t seen, realized and stood as who-I-really-am, as Life, breath and substance. I realize nobody can see me as who-I-really-am, if I don’t stand as who-I-really-am. I realize that everything around me reflects me within and as my participation in mind, as who I allow and accept myself to be. I do not allow myself to get mad and angry at my husband. I do not allow myself within and as the desire to be reflected/re-united/or fulfilled by something ‘external’ within and as a relationship I form towards someone or something. I realize that every relationship is actually based on separation and thus not real and of the mind. I do not allow myself within and as the emotion of blame when communicating and flares of anger at him, because I realize that I am angry at myself for not having allowed myself to trust myself as who I am in and as breath Here. I do not allow and accept myself within and as resignation and thus non-communication and self-righteousness. I allow and accept myself within and as self-trust and breath and the realization that all that I am is already Here as me as who I am in every moment of every breath.
