I was reading a text and suddenly realized that I was losing focus and slowing down. I noticed how I was looking at each individual word and how it was actually taking me time to absorb the meaning of the word. It seemed like seconds before the word and it’s meaning were brought together in my head. Then slowly the string of words in front of me and the lingering meaning of the individual words fused into a context of sorts. I was functioning in slow motion mode – one frame/word at a time.
I’ve had this before. This time, however, it seemed I was sensitized to the point of ‘reading speeds’ because of a conversation I had on training software for building one’s reading abilities with Cam yesterday. He had pointed out that the speed of recognizing a printed word in front of you depends on the emotional charge it has within and as you. So the less the emotional charge, the more you are one and equal with it and the absorption of the word and its meaning.
I stopped reading and pondered on this for a moment. For me what it meant was that I was actually trying to protect myself from words and what meaning they conveyed. In fact I was trying to slow down the transmission of meaning instead of seeing the meaning was what I was attaching to the word. The word per se is ‘innocent’. So I was giving my power away to the fear of words, instead of seeing that I had to investigate the meaning I had imposed onto the word and release this within and as me with sf.
Wondering where this need to protect myself from words had first been allowed within me, the memory of a playground scene came up when I was about 9. After a practice baseball game in the afternoon some girls and I were walking over the school grounds from the field to the school building and they began singing “We won the war and the Germans lost it”. I was the ‘German’ and they the ‘we’. I remember singing the line along with them about twice till I slowly grasped the meaning of it. I stopped singing and dropped behind feeling excluded. At the time I hadn’t even heard of ‘the war’ before.
So obviously in reading slowly I was giving myself time to ‘test’ or ‘probe’ as to whether the word was ‘friendly’ or not – would it ‘hurt’ me – what does it imply etc.
This is definitely not necessary.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe words can hurt me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within and as the recognition of the written word from the actual realization of its meaning by allowing a time delay as protective buffer.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I needed time to fortify myself against the realization of the meaning of the word.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I had separated myself from the actual meaning of words and my interpretation of them by taking them personally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take words personally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take the actually meaning of a word to mean something other by interpreting and taking this personally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project meaning into words.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as a time delay between the recognition of a written word or the absorption of a sounded word to project a meaning onto/into it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as the distinction between ‘benevolent’ and ‘hurtful’ words.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project ‘benevolence’ onto words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project ‘infliction of hurt/emotional pain’ onto words.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the way I interpret words in my mind.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to words.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as ‘superiority’ with respect to words when I use them forcefully to ‘protect’ myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as and within the use of words.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use words as a ‘dagger’ to get a point across in a hurtful way as and within the emotion of ‘revenge’ and ‘attack’ when I feel ‘cornered’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as a ‘war’ of words.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe a spoken word could separate me from what is here if I don’t allow it.
Words are innocent.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the innocence of words as and within me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project the fear of facing myself as separation onto words as the ‘aggressor’.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as a slow reader.
Sf w/r/t the actual scene of the memory:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when playing baseball, believing I’m not good at hitting the ball because I hadn’t had any practice ‘because it’s not a German sport’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have alienated myself from the simple act of hitting a ball with a bat by thinking I’m not good due to having accepted the idea this is an American sport and I’m German.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the justification of being German and not used to playing baseball and thus allowing this idea to limit me within and as self-enjoyment of simply hitting a ball.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted when trying to hit the ball within the belief that I didn’t have any practice with the game due to it not being a German game and thus place myself under pressure to succeed and at the same time open myself up to ‘failure’/’losing the match for the team’/’losing the war’.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project being seen as a failure in this game 'because I’m German'.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to distinguish between American and German games.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a game a matter of winning and losing.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘failing to prove myself as a successful and worthy part of the team’ and consequently be excluded.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I had already separated myself within and as the team by allowing and accepting the idea and perception of myself being a German playing an American game.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as different from other beings due to being a foreigner in the country, instead of seeing myself as one and equal and embracing the perceived differences as and within myself.
When and as I read a text I breathe. I do not allow ideas and perceptions within and as myself of words conveying something benevolent or hurtful. I realize the time delay to be a period wherein I am allowing to project meaning into the words. I stop projecting myself into words. Instead I allow myself to embrace the word equal and one with me.
When and as I realize a time delay between the recognition of the word as such and the meaning of it, I stop myself and breathe. I face myself within and as the meaning I have projected onto the word and release it with sf until I am clear within and as it. I embrace myself within and as the word. I embrace myself within and as the context and actual meaning of the word.
