Again I’m looking at the reactions within me when a person gets all worked up and directs the emotions at me in and as verbal abuse.
This time the situation was a completely new one. We were going to jump start my daughter’s car because the battery was low or something. She had the car parked in her rented space in the court-yard of the apartment house. There was a small strip of lawn in front of the parked cars and thus no other reasonable way to get the two batteries close enough to hook them up, so H. drove the car directly onto the lawn to have it face J.’s car.
It turned out the car was able to be started without jump-starting it, we had the motor running and J. was unpacking some of her things because we were going to take the car with us to U. to be serviced. This was when a man suddenly appeared in the court-yard shouting at us to remove our car from the lawn immediately, that he was the one who was going to have to listen to complaints from somebody – no idea who - the janitor (?) and he was the one who would have to look at the damage made to the lawn and so on. He hadn’t introduced himself nor did we really know what his problem was. There was no damage in the lawn whatsoever and hardly a mark to be seen, only some bent blades of grass.
I calmly told him what we were doing and that there was no other reasonable way to get close enough. Still agitated he told me we were to push J.’s car back and come around to the paved part of the court-yard in front of the garages. He continued in a furious tone demanding we get off the lawn NOW. I pointed out that no damage was done and that we would leave as soon as we got the things out and that there was no reason to overreact. In saying this I reached out to his lower arm to calm him down. He moved backwards away from me still enraged, saying things and me calling out that there was no need to get so excited. Moving towards the door he shouted he wasn’t excited at all (lol) and we would see how quickly the parking space would be taken away from us.
I was stunned. I looked at the others and H. asked what that was all about. J. said that he was always like that, she didn’t know his name, but he wasn’t the janitor. Well, I was considering saying that this is how it is like to be subjected to others’ verbal abuse and emotions and not knowing where it came from, but I didn’t want to rock any boats, because the situation has been rather calm lately. I just said that this is how some people ‘function’, shrugged my shoulders and left towards my car that was parked on the street.
Sitting in the car then I realized that the whole situation had shaken me up more than I had realized. It was like having been subjected to a sudden intense blast or storm and managing to stand still within it, but then the realization and reflection of it made me tremble inside. It started in my solar plexus area or slightly below and moved upwards and I was almost about to give in and cry. I stopped myself though and told myself to breathe and be Here. This helped and I wondered how my structural resonance was still ‘set up’ in a way to attract such situations, still ‘set up’ or why it was ‘set up’ like that at all. I knew from looking into such situations that the element of being ‘wronged’ or ‘feeling wronged’ was there, on part of the other person, but also on my part. This element was present in this situation also – it was detectable in the person’s words. I can’t remember feeling wronged when he said it or at the time shortly before this outburst came about. Afterwards, yes, by thinking this was totally uncalled for, but how could it ‘cause’ or ‘call for’ something like this? So it had to have taken place sometime before.
So how did I lose myself here and what did I lose?
Somehow I programmed my body/me/my water with the information of ‘being wronged’ and have inadvertently fed this concept with experiences that reflected this state back at me. Also, as the source of my experiences, I have created situations wherein other people act out this self-perception of ‘being wronged’. Within this context there is of course also the polarity of ‘being right-ed’ – being told ‘you’re right’, ‘you’re doing that right’, ‘you’re right in feeling that way, I would feel that way too’, ‘I would do that too’, ‘you’re right and not to blame’ – all of which is good to hear when you believe in being wronged/having been wronged. And, by writing this now I realize that ‘feeling wronged’ after the event presents me with the solution: I have allowed myself to feel wronged by something. The fact that I believe something can make me feel wronged at all is the program I have written / the information that I have imprinted into my water as me.
I’ve lost myself by believing I could be wronged by other people-as-me. How can I ‘wrong’ myself? By judging myself as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. --- What did I lose? I lost self-respect.
Interesting to see that I automatically looked for an event wherein I felt wronged before the encountered event, instead of realizing that everything is here and ‘before’ and ‘after’ are not relevant in this connection.
