Multiply posts from Jan. 2011 - moving everything here

conversations in separation

Jan 5, '11 6:52 AM for barbara's network

I noticed when my husband says something to me, before I start to

respond I consider whether what he said reflects back something that I

haven't realized about me, about what I do, how I 'operate'. By doing

this I don't stand as him in a conversation, but automatically place him

as separate from me and allow mind to interpret and consequently direct

me within the choice of words. Because if I think 'it' is 'his point'

I'm addressing, 'his point' I want to reveal to him, I decide to place

myself as 'not having this point' and 'knowing him better than he does'

and thus separate from him and so also I separate myself within me by

not placing myself as equal and one. Then I speak and while speaking I

listen to my words and also reflect on whether what I'm saying might

hold words that I'm actually sounding out for myself to hear, which is

in a way 'good' for me to be aware in this way, but it prevents me from

expressing myself unconditionally, simply as who-I-am in that moment.

There is a continuous checking of the mind whether and in what way this

(what I'm addressing and how I say it) has something to do with me. When

in fact it is all me. The whole situation is me. The words are me. The

points I see are me. The relationship with my husband is me. His

resistance is my resistance, it's in 'my world', it's me. So when I see

a point to be addressed, it is not important whether it is 'his point'

or 'my point' - it is simply to be addressed and directed,

unconditionally. And so I can allow myself here in self-expression

without mind as an interpreter that rewinds and reverberates everything

within a feedback-loop while I speak.

It was cool to see that yesterday night. I started sf on that, but will

have to elaborate.

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sf on prior post on communication in separation

Jan 6, '11 11:36 AM for barbara's network

Taking the last post on communication sentence by sentence:

"I noticed when my husband says something to me, before I start to

respond I consider whether what he said reflects back something that I

haven't realized about me, about what I do, how I 'operate'."

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be Here

within and as self-expression unconditionally, and instead separate

myself within the idea of something being reflected back, something I’m

‘unaware of’ about myself, thus making me separate from what I hear.

So what I hear is what is Here as me and I direct it as me, not as a

statement of ‘you are doing this or that’ wherein I am placing myself as

the one that is aware (of what he is doing) and creating the polarity as

‘unaware’ which I allow mind to interpret while speaking in separation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself

as and within the polarity poles of ‘awareness’ when communicating with

my husband.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘switch’ into

the mind mode of ‘what is he reflecting back’ as a filter thru which I

hear him, instead of being Here unconditionally, simply hearing him as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate what

I hear according to ‘his points’ and ‘my points’, instead of being Here

within and as unconditional Listening to the Sounded out Points of what

is Here, and then direct what is Here accordingly.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize

that the reaction to a point that comes up in a communication is how I

see that something is being reflected back to me, thus making the mind

frame of actively listening to points being reflected back superfluous.

This allows me to be Here as myself within my experience of me without a

‘mind overlay’ that holds me back from communicating unconditionally.

I allow myself to be Here unconditionally when listening and

communicating which allows me to be aware of reactions within me.

When the thought arises that this is ‘his point’ when listening I stop

participation as I know this brings up the urge to point this out to him

and that within this I separate myself into aware/unaware,

superior/inferior and am not Here as the experience of me.

"By doing this I don't stand as him in a conversation, but automatically

place him as separate from me and allow mind to interpret and

consequently direct me within the choice of words."

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by

mind within the choice of words when communicating, due to allowing

myself to judge what I hear as ‘his points’ and listening within a frame

of mind of ‘observing’ me within the communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself

as the observer and analyzer in a conversation, instead of being Here

unconditionally and using sf when reactions come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to analyze the

conversation with regards to ‘what is reflected back’, filtering what I

hear with a filter based on self-definition and personality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to communicate on

the basis of personality and self-definitions of ‘having superceded this

point and thus defining it as ‘his point’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that a

point is ‘superceded’ when in fact it is still Here in my relationship.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize

that it’s standing one and equal to what is Here and not ‘superceding’

points and distinguishing between ‘his points’ and mine.

I stand one and equal to what is Here. I realize ‘his’ and ‘my’ points

is of mind. I direct myself within and as self-expression

unconditionally as and within being Here. I realize that concurrent

analyzation while communicating separates me from me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resort to

analyzation instead of trusting myself as-me-Here unconditionally within

and as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place

analyzation above myself, instead of being within and as self-direction within

and as what is Here-as-me as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust

myself unconditionally and instead observe myself within expression and

communication in separation.

"Because if I think 'it' is 'his point' I'm addressing, 'his point' I

want to reveal to him, I decide to place myself as 'not having this

point' and 'knowing him better than he does' and thus separate from him

and so also I separate myself within me by not placing myself as equal

and one"

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to reveal

to my husband what I believe he is not aware of, instead of seeing that

this is projection.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project onto

my husband that he isn’t realizing what ‘his point is’, instead of

seeing that I’m placing mind above what is Here, placing myself above

him and taking part in energy that I get from ‘knowing better’ that adds

to the self-defined personality picture of me working on ‘these points’

in contrast to him.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place mind

over what is Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place myself

over my husband within and as ‘knowing better’, instead of realizing

that the only ‘true knowledge’ can be found in self-honesty.

I allow myself to self-honestly listen to what is communicated and

direct it as me as Self-expression within and as breath, thus taking

care that I am not within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to add energy to

personality constructs and ideas of ‘I am more able to see what is going

on in the other as he himself is’ because ‘I look at these things’, as

this is coming from concepts of the mind, instead of the actuality of

simply being Here as Self-expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself

‘in contrast to’ the idea I have of my husband.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create ideas

about my husband, instead of realizing that is mind and not real.

"Then I speak and while speaking I listen to my words and also reflect

on whether what I'm saying might hold words that I'm actually sounding

out for myself to hear, which is in a way 'good' for me to be aware in

this way, but it prevents me from expressing myself unconditionally,

simply as who-I-am in that moment"

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘listen to my

words’ as if they were separate from myself, instead of speaking

directly from within me as me unconditionally, from a point within me

that encompasses all of me Here, which is when Here within and as breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I just

had to ‘get rid of’ ‘his points’ and everything would be ‘ok’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘get

rid of’, ‘tear apart’, ‘destroy’ ‘his points’ to ‘feel better’ and be

‘ok’ with him and our relationship.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to feel

better, taking this as an energetic impulse to ‘make him change or at

least realize’, instead of realizing that he is simply adding energy to

what is Here by participating in it and so am I by ‘wanting it gone’ and

thus ‘feel better’.

I realize that I’m adding energy to points that are here by ‘wanting

them gone’ by ‘making him realize’. I stop my participation, breathe, do

sf on any reactions, writing the points out to see the experience of me

within them, as them, more clearly. Then I can stand as the respective

points and direct them as me.

I realize that I can only direct a point effectively when there is no

energetic charge towards it within me and so it is to look at it in

total self-honesty first, sf and stand as it.

"There is a continuous checking of the mind whether and in what way this

(what I'm addressing and how I say it) has something to do with me."

I stop allowing mind to control what I say, I communicate within and as

breath and address any energetic reactions within sf.

I stop participating within and as the feeling of superiority that I

allow when checking myself within what I say and how I say it that is a

result of defining myself as ‘aware’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself

within and as the polarity of ‘superiority’ and ‘fear’ coming from not

trusting myself within and as self-expression. Within this, I forgive

myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the

believed superiority of ‘checking what I say and how I say it’ to avoid

the fear of actually seeing what is Here as me when I allow myself to

express myself unconditionally. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve

accepted and allowed myself to fear myself within and as reactions

coming up and wanting to control these by resorting to the ‘analyzing

and controlling features’ of mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to fear being

Here within and as communication, due to fearing reactions that show me

my Self.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to give my power

away to fear of reactions.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to give my power

away to fear of what is Here, which would consequently mean giving up

self-definitions and pictures, ideas of myself as being ‘above’ the

points I want to eradicate in the other by wanting him to ‘see’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rather have

the whole person ‘gone from my world’ than face the energy that is

presented within and as the points that are communicated.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I

have no reactions to a point when I want the point ‘gone’ by wanting him

to ‘see’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place

energetically charged points above me-as-life and my partner-as-life,

wanting to throw it all away, ‘eradicating’ him and everything that goes

with it, wanting to give up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe

what-is-Here could in any way be changed by someone else, or by giving

up, as Here is the experience of me – I am the experience of me-Here.

I realize that I can only change the experience of me by actually being

Here in self-honesty and thus equal and one to what is communicated.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize

that by judging him as unable to ‘see’ a point that I had defined as

‘his point’ I am diverting myself from experiencing myself within what

is here, from standing equal and one with it, taking self-responsibility

for this experience within and as myself.

When judgment comes up that ‘he isn’t able to see the point’, I allow

myself as and within the experience of me and remain Here by stopping

the judgment and breathing. This allows me to see my participation, to

see me. It ‘opens me up’ for me to see.

"When in fact it is all me. The whole situation is me. The words are me.

The points I see are me. The relationship with my husband is me. His

resistance is my resistance, it's in 'my world', it's me. So when I see

a point to be addressed, it is not important whether it is 'his point'

or 'my point' - it is simply to be addressed and directed,

unconditionally. And so I can allow myself here in self-expression

without mind as an interpreter that rewinds and reverberates everything

within a feedback-loop while I speak."

Yes.

Now the ‘walking it’ part!

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'spirituality' - a conversation with an acquaintance

Jan 15, '11 4:25 PM for barbara's network

I had a recent conversation with an acquaintance whom I went to for some

spiritual / energetic healing and shamanistic support some years ago.

She kept on talking of her new 'methods' of conversing with the 'blue

folk' and other people in the dimensional world and how she knows whom

she is talking to by the feeling quality she has within her body. I

noticed her retaining anger within herself when I said how she could be

sure of it not being her mind causing the feeling and why she was

placing her power into the hands of someone seemingly outside of

herself, the energy of whom she 'wanted to control' etc. And when I said

we were one and equal to 'them' and by saying that, when she was channelling

their energy, she was separating herself from what is Here, she said she

wasn't that conceited and arrogant as to believe she was on such a high

level as the 'blue folk'. Then I said we are one on the 'level of Life'

and not energy-wise and that this was critical to see, but she didn't

actually understand and said this would be like saying we are so evolved

and enlightened as if we were one with god. One of my last sentences to

her was that we were one with everything as life but we have separated

ourselves into mind - but that was such a 'counter perspective' to how

she had set up her experiences as dictated by the mind, so that was that.

Pfft...

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Using Desteni standpoints instead of writing it out

Jan 22, '11 7:47 AM for barbara's network

There was this instance when my daughter told me about a discussion on equal chances in her ethics class. She stated that equal chances in life were not provided in part also due to the fact that some people inherit a lot and others nothing at all. She said there that this should be changed and that her opinion had met with quite some disagreement in the class. And also the point of winning in a lottery, for instance, was unfair, coz one person got all that money at once for himself and others got nothing. (I added ‘beside it also building on the bad luck of all those other people who participated’, the starting point of wanting more than one’s fair share etc.) This point also met with no agreement at all because they said that everybody has the same chance of winning. Obviously no one except K. was able to see that the result of the lottery was one person getting a multiple of what he put into the system on the cost of everyone else, that the whole starting point of lotteries was off, because everybody

participates within the desire of wanting more than their fair

share and idea of being ‘lucky’ and ‘fortunate’ is connected with

money. The opinion of most students held its ground that the odds are known and thus it was based in equality. K. said it was

strange that no one was able to see her points.

Anyway, it was interesting for me to see my

experience within this. On the one hand it was revealing to hear

of the different perspectives w/r/t ‘equal chances’ and how

little the lottery and inheritance systems are challenged, on

the other hand I hardly noticed that I was reacting to this. I

had talked to K. about my perspective, but I still wasn’t able

to let go of secret mind activities of judging the standpoints

of the class. After about the third time I had caught myself

pondering on this, I realized that I should be writing this out

and placing it here in front of me to let it go, but then I

dismissed it by thinking it isn’t ‘worth it’.

Now I realize that I didn’t actually want to

see and experience Me within this and so dealt with it by

stating perspectives and, in fact, judging the students for

their inability to see the unfairness in these systems. I

allowed myself to believe the thought that the instance of what

was said in that class was not ‘worth ‘ writing and so I

manipulated myself into feeling ok with not going into this

further without realizing I was stating I was not worth being

seen within and as this. I also realized that I dealt with the

points by using an idea based on ‘Desteni standpoints’ of

equality, instead of standing Here within and as breath and

giving my perspective as Me Here, or else I would have been able to let go of the whole instance in one breath then and there.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to condemn opinions of others and place myself in a starting point of mind as and within a ‘Desteni standpoint’,

instead of facing myself within the reaction to the opinions as

and within breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to believe the thought of the matter not being

‘worth writing’, thus allowing thought to direct me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to separate myself into a ‘Desteni standpoint’ as

a construct of ideas within mind of how the presented

perspectives as retold by K. go conform with the D. message,

instead of allowing myself here within and as breath and thus

immediately see the reactions that had come.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to use ‘Desteni standpoints’ as a gauge against

which I measure in which way a perspective is ‘off’ w/r/t the

principle of equality and oneness, instead of realizing this is

based in mind and makes way for judgment and superiority

thinking.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to place myself above others by participating in

judgment and secretly condemning the opinions towards lotteries and inheritance and allowing myself to assess in which way and to which extent the opinions deviated from ‘D. standpoints’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to avoid facing myself within and as reactions

towards the arguments by focusing on the contents and comparing these against ‘the idea of equality’ thus placing value on a mind stance of looking at the opinions analytically, critically

seeing in which way they do not go conform with ‘D.

standpoints’, instead of standing Here as and within breath and

facing me within them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to avoid being self-directive and instead ‘being

content’ with a standpoint that has been accepted as ‘better’ /

‘fair’ that was in separation of me as mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to go into opposition to the opinions and place

‘D. standpoints’ as a polarity, instead of being Here without

judgment and directing the situation from the starting point of

breath, i.e. seeing the reaction, stopping, breathing, and

expressing what is Here as and within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to accept it to be sufficient to see ‘that this

is unfair’ and take a standpoint that is deemed ‘fairer’, not

seeing that I was feeding a polarity system by placing me above

the judged points.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to think it is sufficient to place myself within

and as a standpoint of mind instead of writing it out to

actually see what I’m facing and who-I-am within it, thus giving

me permission to change me Here as the point in actuality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to create myself within energy by using the

principle of equality as an idea and placing myself as and

within this idea to judge opinions as

‘wrong and unfair and not based in equality’ to be able to

‘observe’ me within adhering to what I accept as fair and

equality-based ‘standards of D.’, thus I

forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to be self-righteous,

instead of facing myself by standing within breath here and

writing it out and so allowing myself to actually realize what

is here to be able to see the ‘mind’s I’ in this.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and

allowed myself to place laziness above me instead of writing ME

out thus stating unconditionality and accountability in my

process of facing me.

I allow myself as self-expression.

I allow myself as and within breath.

I allow myself to be Here as and within

breath when communicating.

I unconditionally allow myself the time and

breath to write myself out.

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frustration with teaching

Jan 24, '11 5:04 AM for everyone

I'm frustrated within the situation of trying to get students to remember how to apply for instance the helping verb in questions or negations. Especially students in the so-called 'Hauptschule' seemingly have reduced their learning capacity to a minimum. It's already seen as a big effort to have to learn 8 - 10 new words a week! Everything seems to be too much to ask of them. I have to repeat it over and over and let them write it again and again. Other methods seem to be just for my entertainment, and theirs (?), but I can't say it's speeding anything up.

Why do I want to speed things up anyway? There is a lot of judgment causing this frustration. I want to be effective. I want them to apply what I tell them and what they need to understand for the next lesson and from the past lessons. I want them to be able to look past the 'rim of their plates'. I want...I want...

I guess that's where I have to start: What do they want? I have to clarify my starting point again. But then, can I curb my expectations and hold back my experience in life and accept the basis of 'what the student wants to achieve'? Or should I? Should I be 'content' only with what he wants and not push, push, push?

Indeed, what is my starting point? Yes, in part getting the money. But also giving them a chance to understand themselves, how they function w/r/t learning and studying, maybe also seeing facets of myself in them, and guiding an aspect of myself to the point where 'it' = I as a child, I as the one that has separated myself from the material, can help myself, that is, showing myself how to get from 'not understanding', 'not wanting to confront myself with s.th. that is too much', 'that is too complicated and difficult or boring' to the point of opening it up for me.

So, not-pushing and continuously applying would be to say it's not worth 'facing myself in this' and 'placing the material/the grammar/the vocabulary above me-as-the-student' and thus giving up on me in that respect.

So I continue to push...

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Zeitschleife unterdrückten Ärgers

Jan 30, '11 9:24 AM for everyone

In der Früh kommt es vor, dass ich auf Gedanken und Gefühle reagiere, die ein Gefühl von Ärger in mir hervorrufen, das ich kenne. Es fängt damit an, dass ich aufwache und die warme Bettdecke spüre und das eigentlich noch genieße. Fast gleichzeitig merke ich, dass es schon hell ist und ich mir erlaubt habe lange zu schlafen. Das an sich ist ja egal, aber ich mag den Zustand nicht, der sich dadurch in mir ausbreitet: eine Vagheit, ein Gefühlsbrei, eine Richtungslosigkeit, Traumfetzen, eine vage Auflehnung gegen alles, was ich als lästig und fordernd empfinde, Projektionen dieses Gefühls auf andere: dem Kater, der so krächzend miaut, meinem Mann, der in einer vergangenen Situation auf bestimmte Weise reagiert hat und ein Urteil darüber auf einmal hochkommt, eine generelle Abneigung. Dann taucht ein Satzfetzen oder Wort von meinem Vater in mir auf: ‚woaßt“, den er in einer Situation benutzt, in der er meint es mit einer Zumutung zu tun zu haben.

Wenn ich also so aufwache, brauche ich länger an den Punkt in mir zu kommen selbst-gerichtet zu sein, stopp zu sagen und zu atmen um wieder hier zu sein und nicht ferngesteuert von diesem Gefühls- und Gedankenbrei. Es erfordert schon mehr Willen auszusteigen aus diesem Zustand, wenn ich länger geschlafen hab.

In letzter Zeit kommen auch öfter alte Zustände in mir hoch, von denen ich gemeint habe, dass sie abgehakt waren, dass ich sie ‚transzendiert‘ habe, indem ich mir andere Verhaltensweisen aneignet hab und mich damit identifiziert habe – nämlich, dass ich über diese Zustände drüber hinweg bin. Da bin ich wohl auf Mind reingefallen und hab mir was vorgemacht, hab bloß vermieden Gefühle wahrzunehmen und sie dadurch unterdrückt, bin nicht eingestiegen, aber sie waren nicht ‚entlassen‘, nicht vergeben, und dadurch waren sie / sind sie noch ein Teil von mir. Nun sind sie gelegentlich wieder da.

Ich werde sie demnächst anschauen und sie niederschreiben, um sie mal in aller Deutlichkeit und Klarheit vor mir zu haben, um mich in und als dieser Zustand zu sehen und ‚aufzuräumen‘, Richtung reinzubringen.

Ein Thema ist auf jeden Fall schwelender Ärger. Erwartungen von Verhaltensweisen, die eine ‚Zumutung‘ darstellen, bzw. auch Verhaltensweisen von anderen, die ich als ‚Zumutung‘ beurteile. Das beinhaltet z.B. auch das Gefühl, das auf den Gedanken folgt ich müsse den anderen immer hinterherräumen, wenn ich was wegräume, das ich nicht hergeräumt/benutzt habe, und wenn ‚wieder einmal nur halbscharig aufgeräumt‘ wurde: ‚Klar, dass ich das wieder bin, die das sieht und wegräumt!‘ Das basiert schon mal auf der von mir akzeptierten ‚Grundwahrnehmung‘, auf die ich beim Aufräumen Bezug nehme: „Die anderen ‚leben‘ hier und im Hintergrund waltet die ‚tücht’ge Hausfrau‘“ - fast eine Hotelsituation – für die anderen. Durch diesen einmal etablierten Wahrnehmungsfilter sehe ich mich, beurteile ich mein Tun / so manche Bewegung in der Küche, im Bad, beim Aufheben von achtlos Fallen- und Liegengelassenem.

Eigentlich ist das ja auch Ärger darüber, dass ich mal so war, dass ich früher einfach alles Mögliche herumliegen hab lassen und dann von meinem Vater in Ärger darauf aufmerksam gemacht wurde. Weil es ihn gestört hat. Ich hätte es irgendwann schon aufgeräumt, weil es ja meins ist, weil mich das selbst schon mal gestört hätte, wenn ich wieder draufgestoßen wäre. Der Ärger ist deswegen da, weil er meint es muss jetzt sein, es muss sein, weil er sich jetzt dran stört, weil das nicht geht. Weil das eine ‚Zumutung‘ ist. Der Kreis schließt sich. Ich kann mich erinnern, dass ich ganz schön wütend war, aber ich hab’s runtergeschluckt.

Und jetzt der Ärger darüber, dass ich denke die anderen dürfen das, was mir damals nicht erlaubt war. Doch ab und zu lasse ich diesen Ärger hochkommen und geb ihm Ausdruck. Ich übergeb diesem Ärger in gewisser Weise die Herrschaft über mich darin wie ich mich ausdrücke, es schwingt beim Hinweis darauf, was ich als ‚Zumutung‘ mir gegenüber erachte (ich benutze dabei wohl die Worte, die mein Vater schon benutzt hat) dieser ganze damalige unterdrückte Ärger mit, plus immer wieder neu aufgeladene und unterdrückte ‚Auflagen‘/‘Schichten‘ dieser Emotion. Das muss doch an die Substanz gehen. Und das erlaub ich nicht mehr. Das ist die eigentliche Zumutung, die ich mir antue: Dass ich diesen Ärger schlucke, mich überhaupt in diesem Ärger erlaube, anstatt zu atmen und ihn mit Selbstvergebung zu entlassen und mir dadurch ermögliche anders mit dem, was hier ist, umzugehen.

Ok, ich merke gerade, dass ich mir sage, dass es nicht möglich sein wird aus dem ‚Hinterherräumen‘ rauszukommen. Darauf kommt es momentan auch nicht an. Es geht um die Erfahrung, die ich dabei hab. Was ich mir auch antue durch die Erfahrung in und als ich, wenn ich ‚hinterherräume‘, wer ich darin bin.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe an der Emotion von Ärger teilzunehmen als mein Vater in einem Wut-Zustand von ‚das ist eine Zumutung‘ gesagt oder angedeutet hat ich solle aufräumen, anstatt zu atmen und zu erkennen, dass ich das nicht bin und stopp zu sagen. Darin vergebe ich mir, dass ich erlaubt und akzeptiert habe den Ärger über seine Reaktion meinerseits als Zumutung mir gegenüber zu beurteilen und diese Emotion zu unterdrücken, anstatt zu erkennen, dass ich sie nur scheinbar von mir getrennt halte und dadurch nicht als sie stehe und mir darin Richtung gebe.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu erkennen, dass ich dem Ärger Macht über meine Erfahrung von mir Hier überlasse, wenn ich ihn beiseiteschiebe und ihn unterdrücke, anstatt mich in und als ihn zu konfrontieren und mir selbst-gerichtete Handlungsfähigkeit erlaube, und mich darin.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe Ängst vor diesen Zustand des Ärgers in mir zu haben, weil ich mir als ihn keine Richtung gegeben habe.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe die Angst vor diesem Ärger in mir zu unterdrücken und nicht zu erkennen. Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe darin den Ärger auf meinen Mann zu projizieren, wobei ich dann diesen Ärger reflektiert durch ihn erlebe, wie er gegen mich gerichtet ist, anstatt mich direkt eins-und-gleich wahrzunehmen.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu glauben ich müsse hinter anderen herräumen, anstatt zu erkennen, dass ich diesen Gedanken von meinem Vater übernommen habe und für mich als real akzeptiert habe indem ich an diesem Gedanken teilnehme.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu glauben, dass Unordnung eine Zumutung ist und dass sie gleich aufgeräumt werden muss, und dass ich die einzige bin, die das so sieht und handeln muss.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu erkennen, dass ich mich in einer Zeitschleife gefangen halte, indem ich mich in und als Gedanken lebe von ‚Immer muss ich aufräumen, weil ich die einzige bin, die das sieht. Das ist eine Zumutung.‘, wobei der Anfangspunkt und Endpunkt dieser Zeitschleife die Situation mit meinem Vater ist, in der ich an Ärger und dessen Unterdrückung teilgenommen habe.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu erkennen, dass ‚Unordnung‘ mir aufzeigt, dass ich nicht in jedem Moment für das, was ich mache, Verantwortung übernehmen will, sondern aufschiebe etwas gleich zu tun und auf einen energetischen Impuls warte, das Liegengebliebene zu erledigen.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe zu erkennen, dass mir mein Vater meine mangelnde Selbstverantwortung für meine Sachen vorgehalten hat und ich das nicht sehen wollte und stattdessen mit Wut auf ihn reagiert habe und diese sodann unterdrückt habe.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich erlaubt und akzeptiert habe nur immer in anderen mangelnde Selbstverantwortung zu erkennen und mit Wut und Ärger darauf zu reagieren und zu meinen ich sei dafür verantwortlich, anstatt meine Selbstverantwortung wahrzunehmen für das, was in jedem Augenblick Hier ist, als ich, und es nicht als ‚Unordnung‘ zusammenkommen zu lassen und mich in weiteren Zeitschleifen zu verlieren.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe mit Ärger darauf zu reagieren, wenn mir meine (Selbst-) Verantwortungslosigkeit vorgeführt wird. Darin vergebe ich mir, dass ich erlaubt und akzeptiert habe es persönlich zu nehmen, wenn mir reflektiert wird, dass ich nicht selbst-verantwortlich gehandelt habe und etwas tun sollte, anstatt zu sehen, was zu tun ist und zu handeln.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe den eigentlichen Auslöser der zeitlichen Gedankenschleife zu erkennen, nämlich die Tatsache, dass ich etwas, das mir von meinem Vater reflektiert wurde, persönlich genommen habe und es dadurch von mir gewiesen habe / es von mir getrennt gehalten habe, anstatt zu erkennen, das ich mich in dem Reflektierten wahrnehmen hätte können, mich selbst zu sehen; nämlich mich zu fragen, was ist da dran, wodurch beteilige ich mich an Energie und stelle sie über mich, und bin dadurch nicht Hier als ich selbst, als Atem.

Ich sage stopp zu Gedanken von ‚Immer muss ich aufräumen, weil ich die einzige bin, die das sieht. Das ist eine Zumutung. Woaßt…‘, weil ich weiß, dass ich ein Gedankenmuster nähre, das seinen Ursprung in etwas hat, das ich persönlich genommen habe anstatt mir zu erlauben mich zu sehen.

Ich erlaube mich nicht in der Emotion von Ärger, wenn’s um Aufräumen von Unordnung geht, von der ich glaube sie ist von anderen verursacht, denn er trennt mich von mir Hier und bindet mich an vergangene Erfahrungen. Ich sage stopp und atme. Wenn ich nicht im Atem handeln kann, verlasse ich den ‚Schauplatz‘ und schreibe auf was hier ist.

Ich erkenne, dass der Ärger sich von dem Punkt in mir nährt die Unordnung als Verantwortungslosigkeit des anderen zu beurteilen, die ich jetzt tragen soll und die mir zugemutet wird.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe mich in der Position des Opfers zu sehen, indem ich glaube ich muss für die Faulheit und Verantwortungslosigkeit anderer geradestehen, anstatt zu erkennen, dass ich das erledige was in jedem Augenblick Hier ist, wegräume was mir in meiner Handlungsfähigkeit im Weg ist.

Ich erlaube mich nicht in und als Urteil über und von Unordnung, weil ich weiß dass ich mich darin schon in mir trenne.

Ich erkenne, dass es keine Verantwortung des anderen gibt, sondern nur Selbst-Verantwortung.

Ich atme und handle selbst-gerichtet und selbstverantwortlich.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe die Notwendigkeit des Handelns davon abhängig zu machen, wer die Notwendigkeit verursacht hat.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich mir nicht erlaubt und akzeptiert habe Dinge als das wahrzunehmen, was sie sind und wo sie gerade sind, sondern Konnotationen an sie zu knüpfen und sie zu bewerten gemäß wer was mit ihnen gemacht hat („hat er wieder stehen lassen“) oder nicht, um dann einen Schluss daraus zu ziehen, der entscheidet ob ich es persönlich nehme und einen Widerstand aufbaue, mich ärgere, einen aburteilenden Gedanke gegenüber demjenigen erlaube, und dann aufräume oder die Dinge stehen lasse.

Ich vergebe mir, dass ich erlaubt und akzeptiert habe, dass ich eine subjektive Bewertung eines Sachverhalts über mich als selbst-direktives Verhalten gestellt habe und mich in meiner Erfahrung von mir eingeschränkt habe auf die Erfahrung von mir im Urteilen, Ärger, Frust, Vorurteil, Beschuldigung und innere Widerrede.

Ich stelle keinen Bezug her zu Dingen, sondern erlaube mich im Handeln Hier, als Atem.

Pasted from <http://soschautsaus.multiply.com/?&=&preview=&item_id=29&page_start=0>

Multiply posts from Dec. 2010 - moving everything here

sf on 'rough patches' in mc and communication in general

Dec 1, '10 6:11 PM for barbara's network

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power

away to the idea of 'control', specifically to the idea that the results

that I get can be or are being'checked'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power

away to a starting point of the polarity of right and wrong when

entertaining the idea that something I do is checked , instead of seeing

that a result might not be in alignment with substance, but show that a

certain specific point needs attention.

I realize there is no right and wrong only equality and oneness,- and

points that are still within the polarity of energy within me that

constitute the separation that I have allowed and accepted, will be

revealed and walked to equality and oneness as me-Here.

I stand one and equal with the results that I achieve, which is what is

Here as me atm as self-expression. Unclarity within the muscle feedback

shows me only that I am allowing mind-influence which is

'inconveniencing' communication. I can ask: "Am I allowing influence as

the mind? State point of influence (lists, dictionary…)"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that

others have better answers, are smarter, more intelligent, or have more

information thus rationalizing my belief that 'my answer isn't as good

as that of the others'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to base my

experiences with communication on a memory of 'my answer isn't as good

as that of others' that was established at the age of 9 in 4th grade.

I now release this memory as the starting point of communication as me,

along with 'my answer is not useful', 'it doesn't amount to anything',

it's not what the others want to hear' and realize that the answer I

receive within mc is simply what is Here - no mind interpretation desired.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with

nervousness in a situation where my mc results can be checked and might

turn out as 'not congruent with substance'. Within this, I forgive

myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access a

memory/feeling/experience of 'being tested as in an initiation ritual',

instead of allowing me Here within a one and equal communication with

substance-as-me.

I stop allowing memories or feeling experiences of the past to influence

self-intimate communication.

I allow mind absolutely no room here in the communication with

me-as-substance. No judgment of validity, no doubt, no comparison, no

idea of 'my answers not being as good as those of others'. I am taking

back the power of self-intimate communication with who-I-am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect

unclear mc with 'despair' and 'needing' the information to be clear

because it is 'vital for survival'.

Memory of early 1st grade school days. Nobody had realized that my

eye-sight was impaired and I couldn't read the info on the board from

where I was sitting. I felt the same despair and survival issues: "I

can't survive in this situation - I don't know what to do, the answer is

there and I can't read it, everybody else is somehow getting it. I felt

consumed by that pressure of 'needing' the information for homework or

to understand, because it will be tested and I had had no access to it.

I felt isolated.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear clarity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as bad

eye-sight.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to despair due to

not seeing and being able to read the information on the board and fear

for survival.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'not know what

to do', due to not 'getting the information' that I perceived everyone

else got.

Probably I had wanted to protect myself from a certain clarity by

allowing my eye-sight to diminish and thus a fear of clarity is Here and

at the same time a 'need' for clear info.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as the

polarity of 'fear of clarity' and 'a desperate need for clarity'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing

all aspects of myself in clarity and then desperately 'need' to see what

I have separated myself from.

I stop allowing fear and need and place myself as stable one and equal

to me as substance as who-I-am Here.

Fear of seeing me / facing me comes from fear of not being good enough,

so if I don't face me I won't be 'disappointed' and my belief won't be

true and wouldn't feel desperate.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the idea

of a standard of 'good enough' over myself and give in to fear of facing

myself thus allowing 'unclarity' in and as me resulting in diminished

eye-sight and unclear mc. Within this, I forgive myself that I've

accepted and allowed myself to simultaneously have created a perceived

need to get clear results within mc and placing this need above myself

to the point of making it a 'vital necessity' without which I despaired.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as

resistance of facing the points that I have separated myself from, which

is reflected by diminished eye-sight and 'rough patches' = unclear

responses in mc.

I allow myself to see myself within what I have separated myself which

is announced by resistances.

I delete all ideas of survival w/r/t communication.

I delete all ideas of 'being good enough'.

I stop comparison.

I am Here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play a role of

what I perceived of being good enough.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project onto

others what they would accept and like and then play the corresponding

role. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed

myself to have placed ideas and projections above me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have separated

myself into a role of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe a role

would be good enough and 'better' than who-I-am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe they

wouldn't like me if I didn't adopt a 'funny role' with 'in' expressions.

Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to

want to please and be liked.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe it's a

matter of surviving to be good enough and so I played a role because I

didn't trust myself enough.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take myself

'seriously' enough to move as me, to be me and actually be seen by the

other and thus see the other too, because then I wouldn't be focused on

playing a role.

I allow myself as self-expression, instead of within and as roles.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play a role

within mc as in playing it through as a method, getting it done for the

sake of it and getting 'hits' that reveal something as an energetic AHA

effect,instead of actually really wanting to learn what is 'beyond' the

resistances and seeing myself, walking myself, living myself. Within

this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be

consistent within 'pulling out the strings of information' to amalgamate

with substance.

I stop allowing myself as the idea of myself and I stop presenting

myself as this idea. I stop participation in energy when receiving

revealing words and come to an understanding of sorts.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to go

conform with others as a way to 'be good enough' as a way to 'survive'

in a group setting.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the

belief I needed to go conform to survive, thus creating myself as and

within self-compromise, starting at the age of 4.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into

self-doubt and despair when a point is contradictory and seems not valid.

I stop the emotions, breathe, clear my starting point and resistances

and retest, then continue and maybe go into detail by placing the

questions differently and toward the end of the session by asking for

relevance and validity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have given

survival issues priority over self-expression within self-trust through

wanting to go conform for fear of standing alone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created

myself in the polarity end of survival instead of self-expression as Life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have

placed myself with and as self-trust when muscle communicating and

instead accessed the survival mode of the mind with the starting point

of the idea of 'it is working' - as a need - to go conform and not 'drop

out' and thus sometimes just going through the moves withoutactually

being Here as self-intimate self-communication with substance via the

muscle at all times.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as mc

to accommodate an 'interpretation corridor' for mind w/r/t a yes/no and

i/c result. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed

myself to become frustrated and despair over unclear results and thus

allow doubt in my capabilities of 'standing clear' when it comes to

testing points that 'are revealing'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as mind to

influence mc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to despair over

resistance and mind influence instead of directing myself in a way that

has the starting point of Here-as-me, breath, self-trust, self-will to

actually see me clearly within all this.

I stop accepting mind as an intermediary between myself and who-I-am Here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let 'wanting

to belong' flow into mc due to an experience of 'wanting to belong'

together with wanting to be accepted and having adapted my 'personality'

to go conform; wanting to be able to do something special which 'adds

value to me' in my mind's eye (I) coming from this deficiency I

experienced when with my cousin and her friends to whom I wanted to

'belong'.

I stop allowing aspects of 'deficiency', 'value', 'personality',

'excelling at something' and 'belonging' pertaining to

self-communication, specifically mc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to access the

feeling of insecurity as stored in a memory of 'not knowing the

unwritten rules' and searching for structure in a set of rules w/r/t

behavior instead of directing myself in and as self-trust.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize

that allowing insecurities within the thought / feeling of not knowing

the unwritten rules renders mc unclear and within this not realizing

that there are no 'unwritten' rules for mc.

I allow no insecurities w/r/t mc as I realize that these lead to unclear

results.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being

revealed as 'unauthentic', 'unreal' and 'fake' because I was assuming a

role by wanting to excel.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within and as the

thought pattern of 'what will the others think?' and within this, I

forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider the

impression another might have of me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I

needed points of identification to 'chart' myself as life to feel

secure, instead of allowing breath in every moment as me within me to

direct me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek to belong.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be

seen on a certain level instead of who I actually am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the

'inconvenience' of 'needing' valid mc results to be comfortable and at

ease with mc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the

mind that this 'need' was real and, by accepting this, creating a block

and unclarity with mc, so as soon as the 'need' was believed the block

came as if to reinforce the state of 'needing'.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize

that I was creating the 'block' by reacting to a perceived 'need'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to construct an

'inconvenience' that stands in the way of mc in the form of needing

valid results and clarity in mc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'need' myself

to 'function' to be at ease, to 'need' me to be 'valid' for others.

Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to

create myself as 'unclear' in self-expression due to this perceived need.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt that mc

is working for me instead of seeing that I had allowed distraction and

self-doubt which manifested in unclear mc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rush to the

point of pressing the muscle down in an automatic way without

considering clearly which kind of 'feedback language' I'm applying (y/n

or i/c) due to not allowing time (being in breath) to clearly state the

point on hand as a question or a statement to be tested, which

interrupts 'the flow' because I have to rephrase and doing so allows

judgment and eventually doubt to sneak in.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'tune' into a

'melody' of saying the words I'm testing, i.e. how I emphasise specific

letters of the alphabet within a set or row. (= I would say a row of

letters and my voice would drop a bit on a letter or word and

simultaneously I would allow the muscle to 'tune' into this and show a

change on that letter or word.)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let myself be

influenced by the vocalization rhythm or melody when testing out a row

of points (letters or words) when testing, so that I get a 'change' on

the drop of my voice, instead of placing the words or letters to be

tested equally in the same 'pitch' not as part of something recited (as

memorized along with a tune).

When testing I 'treat' each and every word or letter as equal by voicing

each individually, not as part of a 'sing-song'/tune with a varying

voice that can 'trigger' a muscle response at the end of a row. I

understand that when my voice goes into a 'melody mode' when testing

that I slightly open up my mind in an expectation that the letter might

test out, as when asking a question and at the end of it the voice rises

a bit to indicate a question, which intends to trigger a response from

someone (at this point my muscle sometimes responds), as if it were a

signal: 'I've finished the sentence /row of words and now you (the

muscle) can respond'. Strange...

I stop allowing me as mind to 'suggest' a letter or word as valid by

allowing a muscle 'response' on the change of intonation, as an

automatic reaction when I am not in breath. I place myself as breath and

test again.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm

poorly adapted to my environment, due to giving in to a feeling of

'misfitting', being different which made the interaction with others

'forced' in a way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in

a feeling, believing it to be real.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to conclude that

because I was watching what I say that I 'didn't fit'.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize

that I could simply stop 'watching what I say' which is done in

separation of me, and trust myself in self-expression which would render

the belief of 'misfitting' invalid.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed 100% valid mc

results to be able to hold the belief and self-identification of being

poorly adapted to my environment which allowed me to draw back from

communicating and interacting with others, which in turn allowed me to

avoid challenging what I identified with and standing in my truth as

who-I-am or who I accepted and allowed myself to be for fear of seeing

this as 'not real' / 'not true'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power

away to the fear of not being real and thus not valid and thus hide in

the seclusion of mind-not-challenged and not communicated.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize

that valid results coming from me when muscle communicating would mean

this subconscious fear of not being real / valid would have no substance

/ wouldn't be true, consequently I could observe myself as 'fitting'and

face myself within and as the others as an integral part.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize

that the idea / belief of 'misfitting' was due to not trusting myself

within and as communication in the first place, because I had given my

power away to the observation of others' reactions (how it was taken) to

what I communicated, perceiving this to be real and taking it personally.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give my power

away to the perception of 'how others take what I say' and thus make

communication and self-expression conditional.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe others

could invalidate me by not seeing the validity of the point I'm wanting

to communicate.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel

invalidated by their reactions to what I'm communicating.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize

that feeling invalidated is a reaction on my part and comes from not

being 'real' within what I communicate, because it is 'of the mind'.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize

that when I stop communication as a reaction, due to having taken

something personally, and fearing reactions, there is something I'm only

professing to be and am not actually real within and as it.

I only communicate what is Here as and within me because that is real.

Wanting seclusion tells me I want to be within my mind. I trust myself

within communicating what is Here as and within me, because that is real

and valid and cannot be invalidated. Thus, I can ascertain that others'

reactions are 'theirs', because I have placed myself Here-as-me and I

can remain as and within breath.

I allow 'valid' mc as I allow myself to be 'valid', real, Here.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself 100% valid

mc results to not have to give 100% of me in an effort.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize

that 'not giving 100%' is not being Here 100%.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be Here 100%.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'chart' my

life as me as less than 100% real and valid.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prevent

validity and reality of myself by way of 'not being Here as me as real

as Life as communication and self-expression' spiraling into the

seclusion and separation of mind-as-me.

I am real / Here within every act and word of communication, be it with

others or myself in mc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have placed

the idea of 'misfitting' due to mis-communication before/above

self-expression and self-trust.

I place myselfHere-as-me = real. Here I 'hold' 100% 'validity'. I do not

accept and allow myself as 'misfitting' - this is describing me-as-mind,

as a mind state that doesn't fit Life. I face me-as-mind and direct

these mind points as me one and equal and allow myself to stand here

100%. I allow myself to face myself in communication.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use

'misfitting' as an excuse to not face me within communication.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use fear of

being misunderstood and having to face reactions (of others and my own)

as excuse for not facing me within communication.

I am one and equal to communication. I stop allowing unclear

communication as point of protection. I stop allowing limitation within

communication. I stop allowing placements of myself as mind as watching

what I say or do with the starting point of 'I don't fit in' because

'I'm different' or not 'as valid'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel

overwhelmed by the extent to which I have separated myself as me and the

others by placing me as 'unequal' and 'misfitting' and thus above me.

Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to

'play a role' to compensate for not being here as me.

I allow and accept myself here as me in communication. I am equal to the

information I've separated myself from by believing my answer isn't as

good as that of others. I allow and accept to integrate what I have

separated myself from within me.

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Leben contra Persönlichkeit/Bewusstsein

Dec 6, '10 6:01 AM for barbara's network

Persönlichkeit ist nicht real, hat nichts mit Leben zu tun, weil es sie nicht mehr gibt, wenn wir tot sind. Nichts von dem, mit dem wir uns

identifizieren, wird 'als uns' 'überleben', weil es jetzt schon nicht lebt bzw. Realität besitzt.

Eigentlich ist nichts von dem, was wir sind, richtig lebendig. Wir sind Maschinen, Systeme, Automaten, die sich auf etwas einmal Festgelegtem hin, sei es durch die DNS oder 'Erfahrungen', immer auf mehr oder weniger die selbe Art kreieren. Dadurch akzeptieren wir, dass uns das Leben aus unserem Körper

ausgesaugt ,wird', durch unser uns Einlassen auf die immerwährenden Kreisläufe der Verhaltensmuster, der Selbstkompromisse, als die wir uns 'leben', in der Trennung von dem was eigentlich wichtig ist, Hier, dem

Essentiellen, und wir lassen stattdessen Leid, Qual, Krieg, inneren Zwiespalt, Überlebenskampf etc. zu...

Dann, stirbt' er, unser Körper, von dem wir uns gedanklich getrennt haben -- und wir sterben mit ihm. Denn wir waren nicht real / sind so nicht real als Persönlichkeit, ,Mind Entities'. Der Körper kehrt zurück zu dem was er ist: Substanz.

Wir sind bloß das, was an uns echt real ist/war, was wir als uns - echt - ohne Identifikationen, Ideen, Konstrukten etc. gelebt haben, also alles das, wovor wir nicht angst haben es verlieren zu können weil wir es sind, weil wir 'als das' Hier sind.

Der Körper ist aus dem Leben der Erde, der Substanz, Ausdruck des Lebens, aus und als Substanz. Das Bewusstseinssystem - Mind,

Persönlichkeit, Gedanken, Gefühle, Emotionen - wurde ihm aufoktruyiert, durch unser Zulassen - von uns, dem Wesen, das als

,Motor' zum Antrieb des Bewusstseinssystems nötig ist.

Jetzt bleibt als einziger Weg die Verschmelzung mit dem Körper um wirklich Hier zu sein, lebendig zu sein -- Hier gibt es keine Gedanken der Identifikation, Schwingungspolaritäten, Energie, Zeit...

nur Atem und selbst-gerichtetes

Handeln, Handeln aus dem Selbst heraus, das Leben ist, als Eins, da es für alle(s) gleich ist, dem Hier-Sein, der Substanz heraus.

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self-manipulation

Dec 12, '10 5:52 PM for barbara's network

Self-manipulation takes place within the mind -- the mind-as-self

manipulates self within mind and it all ends up in self-compromise. Even

though I-as-mind fear to be manipulated, I manipulate myself to feel

better, and in that moment don't consider the polarity end that is thus

invited to be lived out in the next moment.

I manipulate myself to do some writing and feel better when I have done

so, and with this starting point I create the 'bad conscience feeling'

when I don't keep up with writing 'the way I had intended or pictured

myself doing'.

This has compounded, I created excuses within my mind, found A LOT to

do, allowed myself to do stuff that wouldn't have needed all that time I

committed to it, misled myself to believe I was working things out in

self-awareness within breath, contemplating and considering while doing

housework and sorting things out, instead of being Here within the

experience of me doing it, touching and moving. And then allow myself to

'work things out' within writing or speaking.

Again I place my location point Here in the physical where 'every level

of me' comes together, where all is Here - the dimensional, the inner

self and my body. This is me, my starting point.

Contemplation within mind goes in circles and the outcome is based on

fear and survival thinking -- dishonesty. I allow myself to be Here to

do one thing at a time within and as breath, to experience me as who I

actually am.

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shoulder pain

Dec 19, '10 4:09 AM for everyone

I have been experiencing extreme shoulder pain the last couple of days and looked up veno's structural resonance writings on the points.So it turns out that the points that my body is telling me to have a close look at are: survival skills

Veno distinguishes between those survival skills transferred from the mother (left shoulder point) and those from the father (right shoulder point). My right shoulder has started to hurt first, but after a day or two it switched over to the left shoulder mainly.

... "The points represent your 'strength' and 'vigour' which you 'inherited'/transferred and copied/duplicated specifically from your parents" - the transference takes place in the womb with the unconscious mcs as the platform which later is the basis for the copying stage thru observations during childhood which are seen as 'individualizations', 'personalizations'. In essence every human being is exactly the same as they consist of and as consciousness structural resonance systems..."The belief of having your own personality comes from you who personalized and individualized the way you designed, created, manifested and implemented your conscious and subconscious mind and the consciousness systems within you - that's where your apparent 'uniqueness' and 'individual personality' comes from!"

... survival skills are for instance that which you utilize within yourself to have/maintain control of yourself and your world within which you experience yourself ... your maintanance/control skills which provide you with the ability to maintain and control your world. To have you be able to place yourself effectively within the system as your world within which you 'experience' yourself as a consciousness structural resonance system, to place others effectively in your world so that everything within and of your world, including those within it - is placed to support and assist you in remaining a consciousness structural resonance system.

... survival of me as a consciousness structural resonance system within the system/my world within which I experience myself, which is only effective in my ability to place myself and to place others in my world, to maintain and control my world and those within it - which will assist and support me in remaining a consciousness structural resonance system and this is done through skills I acquired from my parents and ancestors to control and maintain my world through control instead of expressing myself freely and unconditionally and live.

The points in Veno's document for the female side (female expressive survival skills) are:

- having the ability to 'experience' emotions and feelings

- being prepared to start a family in 'loving' and 'appreciating' your family and taking care of them properly

- presenting the perfect lady-like presentation of yourself to be abel to 'capture' and 'attract' men for sex

- building as many relationship connections with others - securing the safety of being able to communicate continuously for no reason or purpose but to enhance consciousness within you

- school - education - university - degree - job - money = first priority

- desire a relationship

As the right shoulder has also been hurting and the pain actually started there, I will have to have a look at the 'father survival system' also (Veno: ... because her right shoulder point survival skill transference from her father is submissive, she'll with no doubt be in a relationship with men who resemble her father to complete her survival skill system in both her shoulder points):

- being a man: no feelings and emotions expressed

- ego, being strong

- sufficient money for family, education etc., desire of relationship

All of these points together "...traps you and cages you within yourself and within this world to remain a consciousness structural resonance system... and those which 'threaten' or could possibly 'influence' your existence as the structural resonance which defines 'who-you-are' within the system - you discard from your world. And will do anything and everything in your power to maintain and control yourself, your world and those within your world - to remain enslaved within the system as 'who-you-are' per defintion of your consciousness structural resonance system within and as you."

So these are the points I'll be looking at in the coming days - the 'cult' point also comes into this and problems with mc, trusting myself within it totally, unconditionally - because would mean I would be able to 'break out' and release the sort of control I've been holding on to since... for ever?!

More to come.

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